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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Does he genuinely really like me?

Customer Question

So I met this guy a month ago through mutual friends. We’re both in different colleges (I’m a freshman in college and he’s an exchange student) but since we’ve met, we’ve been hanging out a lot with our friends as a group (average of 3-5x a week). We’ve gone out alone once but that’s cause everyone bailed on us. However when do hang out in a group we pretty much stick to each other all the time.


 


Our “relationship” is weird cause we’re not even casually dating (let alone official) nor are we “just friends” or even friends with benefits. We are really really close though. We’ve kissed, cuddled, made out, held hands in public (and in front of our friends), etc. but never had sex. Everyone thinks we're together even though we're not. I’ve spent a few nights with him when we didn’t even do anything (we didn’t even kiss) but talked and cuddled until one of us fell asleep. Our conversations are really deep and we talk about everything. We text pretty regularly when we don’t see each other. However we were at a house party once and someone asked us if we were together and he was so quick and sure to say "no" (while having his arm around me).


 


I didn’t know he saw me as more than a friend until he held my hand one night. He has never flirted with me verbally or said anything sweet, he just shows affection through his actions. The thing is, he’s only here until Christmas, in which after that he’ll be moving back to his home state (which is on the other side of the country). He has mentioned a few times that he really misses home.


 


He broke up with his long-term girlfriend right before he left to my college (he still remains best friends with her. I know this not because he told me because he didn't mention anything about his ex, but through Facebook and his roommate/best friend who is also my good friend) but we didn't meet each other until almost halfway through the semester. I’m afraid I might just be a rebound (although he’s not using me for sex, he could be using me for company). I know we don’t have a future together (which sucks cause I’ve never liked anyone as much as I like him) but I just need your opinion. At least if I know he genuinely likes me I’ll make the most of the time we do have together and if he doesn’t then I could put an end to this before I get too emotionally attached to him without him even feeling the same way.


 


He wants to go on a month-long holiday with his best friend after Christmas before going back to his home state (instead of staying in this state and spending more time with me) and had a choice to prolong his exchange but declined… He has also never asked me out on a date (even casually… We only occasionally hang out alone together but only after hanging out with a group of friends). Although some of the signs he’s showing might suggest he’s genuinely into me, a couple of them prove otherwise, which is why I’m so confused right now :/


 


It’s even more complicated because guys have been asking me out on dates and I haven’t gone on any partly because this guy and I are pretty exclusive – he’s not seeing anyone else nor does he like anyone else (his roommate/best friend verified that. Just to be clear I’m good friends with his roommate too) – plus, I’m not really that into them, at least not to the extent that I’m into this guy. I figured I have a short time with him and want to make the most out of the time we have together, yet the guys that have been asking me out on dates are not on exchange and if he doesn’t feel the same way about me (even temporarily) I feel like I’m pushing away ‘potentials’…


 


Does he genuinely really like me or is he just seeking temporary company (not necessarily MY company but just company in general) because he doesn't have his girlfriend by his side and is homesick? He obviously has SOME level of interest but I'm afraid I like him waaaaay more than he likes me (although I do keep it cool). Your help will be much appreciated!

Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with your situation.

I found your note to be very refreshing and touching because it seems so much like a real budding romance as was more common in the past. It is respectful, kind, warm, innocent, and genuine.

I believe that he cares for you as much as you care for him. He may come from far away but you have an opportunity for a good long-term relationship with him.

He may not yet realise how special you are to him as you are just beginning to see it yourself.

As a neutral outsider, I see this relationship holding a great deal of potential for a lasting relationship of the highest order.

For now you have a short time remaining with him, at least on this go-round. Make the most out of it. The "potentials" will always be around, but this is special. See it through and then see what happens in the future.

Love can move mountains and this one is worth holding onto.

Keep your faith and that in itself will add to the bond that you have already created - and are still building.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, says the old saying. This bird is worth holding onto and as you can tell I am being very encouraging to you, because this sounds like the kind of love story I don't hear so often.

I shall keep you both in my prayers for success.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Thank you for your kind words, Elliott :) I have never felt this way towards anyone before and every guy I meet - no matter how good-looking or nice - don't seem to be more or even equally as amazing as he is. However I doubt we will work as we live so far from each other (he lives on the other coast, plus we're both in college and he works part-time).


 


Why do you think he wants to go on a one-month holiday before he goes back to his home instead of spending time with me if he really likes me? He has also never asked me to hang out with him alone... We always just hang out in a group. Why is this so? And what do you feel about the fact that he only recently broke up with his ex-girlfriend of 2 years?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Dianne,

He may be very wary of starting a new serious relationship because he as hurt the last time.

Do not underestimate the power of love.

Perhaps you can ask him if he wants to hang out with you or go on a trip with you during his last month. You have nothing to lose.

If he says yes then you might have a wonderful trip in store. If he says no then you might get some closure with him on his departure.

If you don't talk to him about this now, then you may always regret it. You don't know what is in his heart of hearts and you should find out now, as soon as possible. It seems too important and valuable of a relationship to just wonder.

He may avoid being alone with you because he is afraid that he is depserately in love with you and is afraid. I believe you need to initiate something.

I shall continue to keep you in my prayers for success and happiness.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Hi Elliott, you were right! I just found out from his roommate/best friend that he really does like me and is just shy. I don't see him as shy at all but my friends have been giving me signs that he is shy around me which seem to be pretty obvious now.


 


First of all, he's really talkative and loud when he's with other girls. Not to say that he's not talkative with me but he's really chill and never does anything outlandish when he's with me, but I notice that he's more loud when talking to other people. Secondly, he always seems to need alcohol before making any move on me - be it holding my hand, unexpectedly kissing me, etc. but when he's cold sober he seems really distant (not sure if this is a sign of disinterest or not). He still talks a lot but is not flirtatious in any way. Even when he's drunk he's not sexual or flirty but he seems to be more confident in being more intimate and affectionate with me.


 


What I do want to know is why hasn't he asked me out yet? Obviously I'm not expecting a relationship but I'd like to spend more time with him alone - just the two of us. Nothing serious, just really casual. Also, he makes a lot of effort to see me sometimes but other times he doesn't. It's like he's either all or nothing. You'd think he'd make it up for the times that he doesn't see me to take me out alone, but nope. Then again we do go out as a group quite a lot although because we just had a mid-semester break last week and we haven't seen each other in a whole week. We stopped texting a few days ago too. He is so strange and I can't seem to read him at all! What do you think - is he really into me as his roommate/best friend says he is? If he is, why is he hot and cold?


 


I don't want to ask him out because obviously he'll say yes and I'll feel like he'll only say it because otherwise it'll be awkward when we do meet up again. Maybe he really does like me but doesn't want to go out with me alone because he doesn't like me enough to want to do that?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
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Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Dear Elliott,


 


What I don't understand is why he's so shy when we're already so close, affectionate and intimate with each other?


 


I don't wanna ask him out purely because I know for a fact that he'll say yes, otherwise it'll be super awkward between us the next time we see each other because we literally share the same circle of friends. I feel like he'll say yes out of obligation. I also don't wanna ask him out because I feel like there's a reason he still hasn't (and probably won't ever) ask me out and that's because he needs space for himself, his work and his time apart from me - plus maybe he's just into the occasional making out/cuddling session and doesn't want to hang out with me on a regular basis.


 


Also, we'll definitely be seeing each other again on Friday for a house party and I'm not quite sure how to "behave." Do I act really excited to see him, do I act totally casual and nonchalant, should I text him beforehand... What should I do? The fact that we're neither just friends nor dating/in a relationship makes it so hard for me to determine how to act because I don't know how much he's into me let alone what I am/mean to him.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
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