Kate, I feel like it is often and may be a pattern. He wont even give me hug when leaving when I do see him after stopping by the house sometimes. he talks and shares with me but has obvious limits. I do not ask for a hug or give him one myself nor do I pry with many questions. I talked about what he wants to talk about. I can sense that he doesn't want to give a hug so I never pressure that. my other son is more open and always give me a hug before he leaves.
that's what it feels like to me that he is afraid of becoming en eshed again but I wasn't sure because I always thought that was just my projection or my fear. Do we really need to reset boundaries or is he just staying at a comfortable level that works for him at this time in his life and I so far have just been respecting his limits. both of my sons have a personal side that they don't share with me which is normal but with him in particular maybe he's being overly cautious or learned to be protective and anxious even when that threat is no longer there.
he is clearly uncomfortable in the house which might have a lot to do with the past but I honestly I'm also uncomfortable around him
how do I address this with him. Should I just tell him im aware he is uncomfortable in the house and that I wish for him to feel a sense of safety around me? so far the only response he has received from me is respecting jis
boundaries but I'm being hurt because I could tell that he's not being completely authentic was how he behaves. well maybe authentic is not the right word. What I mean is there is some tension.
okay I can bring it up in that manner next time I see him. However I wonder if I freaked him out today by asking if he wanted me to meet him at Dr. nohens office to exchange documents because he didn't have enough time to stop home. I even told him I could make rice with the chicken I already have prepared if he stops by the house. Yet he told me he had no time and I am aware of his tight schedule. this is the first time I asked him if I could offer him some food because last time he didn't even have enough time to eat. I don't usually do this but me reaching out might trigger a fear response in him which might be responsible for his short answers and not so appreciative of my offer. I let it go because I'm always thinking about boundaries in the back of my mind.
thank you for telling me that the offer to give him food was normal. Normal is the type of relationship I would like to create with him. Yet boundaries will continue to be respected. For some reason, it was helpful when you told me that it was normal because mostly, is the family dynamic is dysfunctional
Since we both want a relationship, then a new normal should eventually be attainable.
Thank you once again and have a good week until I speak to you next time