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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Need help abusive wife will she change, should I forgive her,

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Need help abusive wife will she change, should I forgive her, or should I just move on? FIFTH TIME WE SEPARATE?

I need some more advice. need some advise with my marriage. I been with my wife for 5 years 2 of them where bf and gf and the other 3 being married . during all those 3 years of marriage every big fight we had she will give me the ring back and said that's it and then will run and go back with her parents. however before leaving me and going with her parents she will cursed at me, call me names, insulted me, even slap me and scratching me like my arm and neck. she even cursed and insulted my parents one time we where having breakfast. every time she leaves the fist 2 to 4 days will not talk to me or if she does will just be to insult me. after those days she will try to talk to me and beg me to take her back sometimes she will give me gifts or even get down on her knees and start crying saying she will change and never do that again and that is when she convinces me to take her back.she changes but just for 2 or 3 months and then goes back to her old habits. But being this the 4th time she does that in 3 years I am wondering if i should take her back or just move on. I am 24 she is 23 with no children and I think I am not a bad husband I just graduated with a bachelors degree to have a better life with her, I dont drink, dont smoke or i dont even go out with friends and leave her alone because she would get mad at me and start fighting. And we have tried counseling all those 7 times and we end up going for a month or so and she stops going

WHAT SHOULD I DO

PLEASE HELP I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE
Additional Details
Now she keeps texting me and emailing me saying she is sorry and that she will change. she does look like she is telling the truth but the thing is that she has done this 6 times 7 with this one so i dont believe her anymore however sometimes i do feel like responding her and just talk to her even sometimes when she cries and comes up to me saying all this sweet stuff about the past I want to hug her and kiss her and say everything is going to be ok but I dont know if she will change is this normal to feel this way wanting to talk to her again and discuss about this problem or should i just forget about her and move on?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very serious situation

Customer:

I know its ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me what reasons has she had to justify leaving like that? Have you beenabusive towards her, neglectful at all for all these years?

Customer:

well at the beggining of the relationship I was the one who gave everything for her like literally give her everything never insult her or make her feel bad

Customer:

however she would insult me, name calling me, even giving me the ring couple of times before marring her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you have described here is very serious since it shows how neglectful, abusive and manipulative she has been for all this long, and I do n see how anybody in her shoes could justify such unacceptable behaviors

Customer:

but she always regrets what she does and after 3 or 4 days she tries to talk to me and cries and tells me that she is sorry

Customer:

in the three years of marriage

Customer:

she has left me 5 times

Customer:

and in those 5 times she has insulted me really really bad but what it got me to feel like this

Customer:

questioning my self that if i should just move on and get a divorce is because

Customer:

the past two fights she started being physical abusive she scratch me on my arm leaving a scar on my arm

Customer:

and this last time she scratch my neck, slaped me, and step on the side of my thigh with her knee leaving a big bruise

Customer:

while i was laying down in the bed

Customer:

we have tried counseling all those times but she just goes for a month and stops saying we are good and then 3 months later she goes back to her old ways

Customer:

so I dont really know what to do if forgive her or just get a divorce before we have any kids

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to hear that. I do believe your wife has serious mental health and personality disorders, since tehre is nothing in your behaviors, according to what you describe here, that could justify any one of her behaviors, which are clearly abusive, neglectful and manipulative

Customer:

because all those times i have told her what i expect from her after i take her back and she does all that but only for a acouple of months

Customer:

so what do you think i should really do

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How do you feel now after these years abotu her, after being abused and neglected, manipulated this much, do you still feel you love her and that you life together is worthy at all?

Customer:

well thats the thing for some time now i feel like its better for both of us to separate but then I tell her that and she starts text bombing, and being all sweet and saying all this stuff about the good times and startgin to cry in front of me and makes me confuse and then is when i decide to take her back

Customer:

is that just a manipulative thing she is doing?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily everything you describe here shows it is very serious manipulation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My suggestions is this. If you truly feel and want to give her another chance, it should be the last one. I would make her sign a contract where she clearly acknowledges and takes full responsibility for the chronic abuse, neglect and manipulation she has perpetrated all these years.

Customer:

now I wanted to ask you with your expertise in this subject do you think she will change being this the fifth time she does this even going to therapy

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In this contract she would agree to commit to regular individual and group psychotherapy for at least for one full year -12 months.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That she commits to end evey form of abusive and neglectful behavior and work on herself with consistent professional support, and if she happens not to fully comply with this agreement, then you would have no option but to separate and follow divorce. That there will be no other chance for her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think she will not change at all unless she comes to terms with the fact that this time you are being truly serious and will not allow any form of abuse or neglect, and that as soon as she stops psychotherapy or presents such unacceptable behavior, you would not wait for it to get worse, but that you would immediately leave in order to take good care of yourself and life. Obviously, please make sure you do not have any children during this time, since that would be the worst anybody in your shoes could make taing into account the serious mental health issues and abuse your wife presents.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You should only give her this last chance if you feel you want it and are willing to afford the stress and demand it would present.

Customer:

is because to tell you the truth I love her very much but since 3 weeks ago that when the last fight happend when she did all that physical and verbal abuse I been feeling kind of tired of the situation

Customer:

like if i dont believe on her and the only thing that holds me back is because i feel bad for her and sometimes the fear of being alone and not finding some else in the future

Customer:

is this normal

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She would have to sign this contract, you would have your attorney prepare this document, in order for this to be a formal agreement where she commits to comply with long term rehabilitation and end every form of abuse, and that in case she does not fully comply, she would fully take responsibility for it and would not limit the separation and divorce proceedings at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you choose to give her this last opportunity, which I do not see she deserve, you would need to start by filing a police report for domestic violence, and doing everything the right way from now on, otherwise it would not work, and your passivity would end enabling further abuse and neglect.

Customer:

thats the thing I really feel she does not deserve another chance

Customer:

like i said the really thing that is holding me back is me feeling bad for her and the fear of being alone and not finding someone else in the future

Customer:

is this normal to feel this way

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would have your attorney have all the separation and divorce paper work ready, as well as the signed agreement, that way he would have the full legal power to proceed with the separation-divorce process inc case she does not comply with your agreement.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is normal reaction for anybody in your shoes, but after this long, it is not normal, but shows you have developed a mental health problem too, rooted on codependency, which is a serious addiction, fueling destructive and abusive relationships like this one.

Customer:

she tries to give me gifts then she says she feels really bad and starts saying I never loved her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you get individual psychotherapy to work on yourself to rehabilitate from this disorder and take good care of your life. If you feel she does nto deserve a last chance, then the other option if you want to behold it, would be to separate right away for at least one year, and only in case, after a whole year you see she has really changed because of regular psychological treatment and concrete life chances, and if you feel at that time yu want to try once more, but not because of fear of being alone but mostly because you truly feel you love her and that she is the best woman for you, then you would give her another chance. But you are telling me right now, that you do not feel any love for her anymore but that it is your fear of loneliness what keeps you there, if that's the case, I would suggest you to separate and start working on rebuilding your life without further delay.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but her behavior shows pure manipulation from a very distorted personality, and to take that as real and healthy love would be self-sabotage and enable further abuse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please join a support group for codependency besides of individual therapy, other wise your chances to get involved with another person presenting similar abuse, neglect and manipulation issues is very high, and you do not want to afford that at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do you?

Customer:

no i dont

Customer:

someone toldme that whay she was doing was called hoovering is that true

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please choose to start respecting yourself, supporting and taking good care of yourself and life since this is your first and most important right, need and responsibility, and you have been seriously neglecting yourself and exposing to all the chronic abuse for this long because you did not take full responsibility to truly love and respect yourself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Everything you described about her behavior confirms that, it shows how serious the abuse could get through her manipulative patterns, ans how easily you could allow her to manipulate, use and abuse you for all this long.

Customer:

yeah

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please start taking consistent action to take good care of yourself and let her do the same, get individual and if possible group psychotherapy for you to work on yourself, and once group therapy ends, keep individual counseling and join a support group for codependency, and that would ensure you would rehabilitate and take good care of your life without perpetuating the same dysfunctional patterns, that way you would not allow nor enable anybody to use or abuse you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will be here to support you as needed, then please take consistent action and feel free to contact me to follow up. Get all the support you can from "healthy" family members and close friends, since it is necessary for you not to self-sabotage and expose tp further abuse over again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

yes it does

Customer:

thank you very much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. You're welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take good care and consistent action.

Customer:

I did kinda knew what i had to do is just that i was feeling bad if I did took that decision

Customer:

of divorce

Customer:

thank you

Customer:

i will

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. I support you. Bye

Customer:

bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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