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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My husband and I are living apart but are rebuilding. He cheated

Customer Question

My husband and I are living apart but are rebuilding. He cheated on and left me for our neighbors wife last yr. Three months ago, we were at his house drinking with his roommate. We were butting heads the wholeday over petty little things. That next week i was back home (i stay w/him only on wkwknds) he says his roommate told on me and said that I tried to mess around w/him. Mind you, I was pretty inebriated and have a very limited memory of that night but I do know I woke up next to my husband and I'm pretty sure I would remember doing something like that but either way I can't prove what I did or didn't do. We didn't talk for almost 3 wks until he finally gave in and came back around. So you would think water under the bridge right? Well this past wed night we texted goodnight as usual but I wake up to a text he sent after I went to bed saying his roommate gave his version of events from that night and it wasn't good. With no memory Ijust copped to whatever he was saying i did so naturally he freaked out on his room is and left his house. Next day I told him I didn't know anything for sure so then he gets mad cuz of freaking out on his roomie for possibly no reason. He tricked me by saying I fooled around just to see if I would admit anything. He wants the truth but I don't know what to tell him. Believe me I would own up to whatever at this point cuz I have nothing to lose. I didn't see him at all this past wknd nor did I talk to him. I want to fix it but don't know what to do. Don't understand why this is coming back up anyway. T
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

It seems that both of you have a somewhat casual approach to marriage and relationships.

He didn't just cheat on you with a neighbors wife, but walked out on you. This shows disregard for you and for his neighbor. You never said what happened to them.

He has a roomate, and I suppose some kind of friend who is not above flirting with you - or more. You don't recall if there was more. Rather than get mad at the roomate, he gets mad at you for something you may or may not have done.

If you want to fix this then you both have to show each other attention and fidelity, and focus 100% on restoring you marriage, if that is really what you want to do.

If you BOTH don't agree to put a complete effort into having a committed and exclusive relationship with each other, the you will not be able to fix it.

It is coming up because the roomate is provoking it and because your husband is allowing it instead of telling him to shut up and mind his own business and stay out of his personal life.

The kind of evenings when you drink to the point that you don't know what you have done is certainly not a way of rebuilding. You husband encourages this as well. He must have a very close relationship with this roomate and be very fond of him.

Instead of being in a position where you have to apologize for something that you may or may not have done, try staying a bit more sober so that you don't lose your inhibitions and your memory.

If you are serious, you two might consider moving back in together..

I wish you great blessings and success in making this work. You have to work at it and set personal limits on your behavior. If you do, you will succceed.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 9 months ago.

Elliot,


I'm still not sure what to tell him being that he wants the truth. In a way I don't think I owe him anything after what he put me through. The pref relationship he had w/ neighbor only lasted six months b/c she had mental issues and was very manipulative. She used social media to rub their relationship in my face although she had my husband. Apparently she was very insecure about me and that was one reason it failed. He won't take not remembering as an answer even though I've forgiven him for everything. I'm sorry I'm all over the place but I didn't give him nearly as hard of a time as he's giving me right now when he screwed up. He can be a tad narcissistic if you haven't noticed already. Help...

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 9 months ago.
Dear XXXXXX,

You have heard the old expression, "You can't get blood out of a stone."

You have already given him the truth which is you have no recollection of anything other than waking up next to him. Where was HE when all of this allegedly happened?

He may very well be a narcissist. Narcissists often victimize another person (as he did to you in an extreme way) an then accuse their victim (you) of being the perpetrator and bad person and portray THEMSELVES as the victim.

They also do not possess the ability to feel the pain and suffering of others; they have no empathy and don't care about hurting others if they can control the others.

He did this to the neighbor's wife and blames her. He perhaps destroyed the lives of both his neighbors, by doing what he should not have. He doesn't take responsibility.

If he is a narcissist then he won't change and you willl do well to get out from beneath his controlling book on your neck.

Here' a book to help you decide:

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Payson, Eleanor

 

I wish you great success.

 

Narcissist usuallyo don't change.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott

 

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