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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Let me start this story from the beginning. I had been dating

Resolved Question:

Let me start this story from the beginning. I had been dating this guy on and off for 6 months. He was 52 and I am 33. When we first got together everything was great within two weeks he was telling me he loved me. Well after a while he would come to my house eat we'd have sex and then he'd fall asleep and leave out early the next morning to go to work (he is a business owner). So one morning I told him that these actions are making me feel like nothing more "then someone to have sex with" he broke up with me. Then he called me a week later and told me he over reacted and we got back together. Well after a while I asked him one day "how he felt about me? Was he happy in this relationship?" He broke up with me agin. At this point I went into a deep depression and decided to go to a local psychiatric service clinic. There I was put on Prozac for depression and referred out for therapy. Once my ex found out about this he got back together with me but said "I would of never gotten back with you if you hadn't of started therapy". He would always ask me if i went to therapy and what we talked about and if i had taken my medicine. So about 3 weeks ago I ended up having to reschedule a therapy appointment from Tuesday to Wednesday due to work. Well when my then boyfriend asked me on Tuesday if I went to therapy I said yes. I know it was horrible that I lied and believe you me I feel horrible about it. So I get a text from my boyfriend that night saying "I know you lied about therapy today I drove up to your work and saw you outside smoking! I have suspected you've been lying about therapy for a while. You said your therapist was named Holli but there's no Holli on the office website. Lies are unacceptable dont contact me again!" I quickly admitted to lying about going to the appointment and apologized but informed him I wasn't lying about my therapist and didn't know why she wasn't on the website. I even offered to show him my appointment slips but he was determined i had made my therapist up and wouldnt listen to me at all! He wouldn't answer my calls or my text. The next day when I when to go see my therapist I asked why she wasn't on the website. She explained she wasn't an employee of APS (my drs office) that she was helping to take on some cases because they had so many therapist quit at one time. Since she is not paid by APS she isn't listed in the website. Which made sense to me and my therapy has now been transferred to a therapist directly employed by APS since they could finally get me in. Of course my ex won't speak to me and has gone as far to block my number so I can't explain this to him. I am completely heartbroken over this. I don't understand why I wasn't given a chance to explain? I don't understand how you can love me one minute and then hate me the next? Then He has called a mutual friend of our and bad mouthed me. Telling her you can't believe a word I say and that I'm crazy. Was lying wrong yes but that is the only time I have ever lied to him!!! I'm so lost!! My friends and family tell me I am missing the bigger picture that he had no right to ask me about therapy! I feel just awful like the worse person ever for my lie. He hates me now and I'll never hear from him again! I said I was so very sorry! Please help me!
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer: Great
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Customer: Me too :-(
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is very sad and frustarting, since it shows this person has not be playing a healthy role in your life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Form the very beginning his actions, attitudes, reactions and words showed a lot of immaturity, lack of respect, and then very neglectful and abusive behaviors

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Reality is that this person seems like he never truly loved nor cared about you but used you, in very selfish and hurtful ways.

Customer: yes but I did lie and now he hates me. I keep thinking maybe if I didn't lie we would still be together but I had gotten sick of the questions concerning my therapy. But I just feel terrible because I lied once. I mean even criminals have a chance to explain themselves
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Otherwise he would never have done the things he did

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You did lie one time and something that was not relevant but hid abusive patterns have been very serious and for you not to see that is very concerning since shows how easily you could expose yourself to be used, abused and neglected.

Customer: Yes I believe he did use me and now I'm stuck picking up the piece while he's having a good time and already dating again. I just don't understand why I deserve all this
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You don't

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But you did not know how to choose and cope with it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have been very naive and vulnerable

Customer: Yes that's what my family and friend have said maybe I should work on listening and accepting
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you have serious self-esteem issues and possibly suffer of codependency too, which led to the depression after the abuse you underwent by him

Customer: Yes I have and what hurts the worse is knowing that he doesn't care at all. Since my heart doesn't work that way I guess I don't understand how someone could hurt someone so deeply without any concern. Yes I am working with my therapist on self esteem and codependency
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think this overwhelmingly painful experience as tough as it is is much better than you getting used, abused and neglected by this distorted person even longer, since that would have brought much more suffering and wound in your life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Because he is a very dysfunctional, destructive and abusive person.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You just happened to become his victim, but now you could heal and grow from this wiser and stronger for you not to expose nothing like this again in your life.

Customer: So true thank you for helping me see things more clearly. I guess I just needed to hear that I didn't deserve all this. I know one day I will move past this. It will be a painful process but one I can grow from I'm sure. As hard as that is to see right now.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please commit to your individual therapy and join a support group for codependency in case you were not already participating in one, and get all your family and healthy friends' support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet you will, you are already working on it, just stick to it, being unconditionally gentle, understanding, patient, supportive and loving with yourself, specially when facing painful times.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust>please feel free to contact me as necessary since I am here willing to support you.

Customer: I will! I am reading the book codependency no more per my therapist request. At least by not hearing from my ex I can finally close this book! And I'll just have to accept he hates me! Thank you so much! The service you provide is wonderful!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perfect, that's an excellent book.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very happy to know that. Thank you for trusting me this much.

Customer: Thank you for being here!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle care and consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks! Bye for now :o)

Customer: Bye
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Please do not forget to rate the session before leaving the chat. Thanks).

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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