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RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husbanded owns our beauty salon. We never agree on many

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My husbanded owns our beauty salon. We never agree on many subjects. He owns the business I have been working with him for 26 years. We had a meeting today. He was talking about different subjects and we were discussing them. One of the problems we have is that one of the girls that works for us does anything she wants,she comes in late all the time. He has told her ,she still does anything she wants. There are nine of us that have had a problem with her. They all come to me because he does nothing about. For instance the shampoo girl will be doing one of her customers. She will come over in front of the customer and tell them they are doing it wrong. That is a small example. So today while we were talking some nonsense I said listen there has been a lot of animosity going on.oh by the way everyone was there but her all of a sudden she had a mamogram this morning. The meeting has been posted for months. I said to my husband in front of everyone. If there are any future problems I willl come to you with thAt person and try to straighten it out. We'll he turned around in front of everyone and said why did you bring that up now and if there is a problem you people come to me and I will straighten it out if I think it is important. First of all any time people have any problems he never fixes it. They are all tired of it. There is no problem that isn't important if it involves an implode. I may not be the owner but I am his wife and should be respected.he never listens to me it is always his way. I am done he made a fool of me in front of the shop. One of the girls who works there and is like a daughter to me just called and said I don't like the way he talked to you. I don't know the outcome but can you give me a answer on how to handle this

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this serious and very frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here, as frustrating as it may sound, does not seem to have an easy solution at all, since everything that happens with your business depends on both of you, and if he owns the salon but has been reluctant all these many years to effectively address daily work problems, to the point of creating this climate of frustration, I do not see how anything could significantly improve if he is unable and unwilling to even acknowledge the obvious dysfunction, and perpetuates his abusive approach towards you, not holding any real accountability for his words, hurting feelings, neglect and passivity about chronic issues there, like the one with this incompetent and abusive employee.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There is no way to cope with it but for you to first assess what you really are willing to afford or not here, being %100 realistic, and coming to terms with the fact that no matter how hard you try, if he continues to be unwilling to respect, understand and support you, the situation would be hopeless and only get worse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once you asses your core needs and expectations about your business, you would have to talk to him and make it clear what you think and feel, need and expect from him, setting clear boundaries and limits around what is acceptable an what is not. In that way he would know that you are being serious about it and that in case he continues to disregard these boundaries and the basic respect you deserve, you would have to take actions in order to take better care of yourself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Again, I am afraid that you have not many options here, but to directly and assertively confront his abusive and unacceptable behaviors, and invite him to commit to work on making changes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

if he is unable to work on them by himself then he would need to get professional psychological support to work on himself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you are online but have not joined the chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I hoe you could read my input and join the chat if possible.

Customer: Thank you you answered in the only way possible. Sometimes when you go through situations you think quits you that has the problem. Thank you agaain
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Marriage counseling would be necessary too, since it is obvious you need to work on your communication and trust. A profesional could facilitate and support his process. But, he would also need to be willing to take responsibility for the role he has been playing all this long, and for the abusive behaviors. for therapy to be beneficial.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You{re very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer: Thank you so much again
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take good care and consistent action and feel free to contact me since I am here to support you.

RealSupport and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He will come home today and I can be he will say I had no right to bring that up. How do I answer thaT and tell him I didn't like the way he spoke to me. I don't want to fight
Unhappily I think that no matter how assertively you address this situation, as long as he chooses to be this disrespectful, unreasonable and non supportive, he would continue to react in very negative ways. Thus you would have to decide what and how much you are willing to afford here, since if he does not change, you would have to keep taking the abuse or consider other options valid for you to take better care of yourself.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
You put that very tactfully . It made me smile
You have two main options here:

1- To be codependent, tolerating this enabling the abuse.
2- To confront his behaviors, set boundaries and be willing to stick to them regardless his reaction.

If you want to get improvements without "upsetting him", it will never happen, because he has serious issues that would not disappear , even less when triggered by anybody who does not choose to please him or remain passive.

Individual counseling or psychotherapy would help you better cope with it, but again, unless you were willing to face reality and afford bigger consequences, nothing would improve between you.

I would suggest, if you want to stay there, to try not to take any of his abusive words-behaviors, reminding yourself that they only show his own personal dysfunctions and nothing about you, so let him fuel and suffer his own illusion, while you would focus on taking good care of yourself as possible, working with the girls at the saloon, getting their trust and making things work as good as possible regardless of his ego and issues.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Here is another problem. I am 62 I now work three days a week. Up to12 hours a day. The other days I take care of a93 year old father and my husband . I do cooking six days a week and washing and cleaning. I watch my granddaughter once a week. I have arthritis in my hands wich give me a problem. I think my husband has grow up ADHD. He never stops. Works five days a week 14 hours a day. He is 64 plays golf on Sundays works in the garden. In other words never relaxes. He says he will get lazy if he does relax. I told him the other day after work I was tired he said I need a doctor. So tell me what's the answer
You are very different for sure. At this point i do not see how you could match your life styles and personalities when it seems you have always or for long term been this different.

You would need to start doing things and making changes to adjust them to your needs. It's not easy but necessary> i do thin you need to have your physical health monitored and and with adequate medical support, an psychotherapy would help you coping better with obvious limitations and challenges, and to gradually make changes leading to a more relaxed and healthier life, as possible, setting your priorities very clearly.
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