Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Can you answer the question(s)?
I am sorry to know your relationship is facing problems.
Could you please ell me more about your situation for me to know how to answer your question?
You only said that "things are shaky". Could you clarify what you mean and which are the core issues you experience?
ok there has been a disconnect in our communication and it has caused a rif with us, neither one wants to end things and neither of us knows really what to do next, should we try and work on things or should we end things?
By the way this is for getting answers from mental health professional, then there is no guessing here.
If both of you want to stay together and make it work, then you should work on it. If you do not know how, then couples counseling would be the best source of support for you to make necessary changes for your relationship to become healthy and fulfilling.
well we ended our last conversation which brought everything to the light by saying we still loved each other so I guess I'm just not sure if we will last or not.
Communication and coping are skills that we all need to develop, ans when as adults we find ourselves having a hard time building relationships, then each partner must take full responsibility for her/his own feelings, choices and actions, and look for way to offer something healthy and supportive.
When you say it "brought everything to the light", what you mean what was it that was there but unrecognized?
There is no way to know if a relationship will last or not, only time shows that, it depends on how well each of you work to build it, and find out in the process how compatible you happen to be, how comfortable and fulfilled you feel, and how willing you are to learn from each other and make necessary changes.
well things had been swept under a rug and built up over time and then through a seperate conversation with someone else he was floored by the information that he saw. he really didn't know how I felt and I didn't know how he felt.
ok so what if we both are willing to work on things and we are right back where we are now?
If you have already identified concrete issue undermining your relationship, then the only way to make it work is by taking concrete actions to change it. Denying or avoiding problems does not fix them, but makes them bigger, and sooner or later they would arise stronger.
You need to start by being totally honest and open with each other
i think that's what happened here. I guess I'm just at a lost as to where we are. do we still say that we are a couple since we haven't really broken-up?
Hiding things, repressing feelings, avoiding talking about your concerns, not being open about what you want and need will make impossible for you to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Then you need to do the opposite.
That depends on what both of you want. If one of you does not want to work on it, then it won;t work. Both need to want the same, and commit to work on it, taking full responsibility for the role each ply in the relationship, since it depends on both of you.
ok that I understand
You need to be totally open, honest and consistent in your action with everything you choose to do about it. Pushing each other does never work, each of you need to feel, want and be willing to work on it because you truly want it.
i think we have both admitted fault this time around. I think its just so much harder since its a long distance relationship
If you want it but he doesn't, or he does want it but does not work on making changes for it to become reality, then it would not work.
I see, that is a huge factor making things much more challenging, and that's why this %199 honesty and openness must be present otherwise you would not be fueling something healthy at all.
%100 I meant
i think we both want it but we are just afraid of messing things up. or as he put it, he thinks that he is bringing negativity to me and I have told him that he isn't. I'm just unsure if he is having some insecure feelings within himself that he needs to work on
Being this way you would know if you are truly compatible, want and need the same things, and have what it takes to make it work. It starts by understanding each other well, then it is all about consistent actions
A relationship depend on what each partner brings,then unresolved personal issues literally shape the relationship, and that's why each of you need to work on yourself alone to make necessary changes, while working on the relationship as good as you can, if that's what both want.
ok cool.... hopefully when we talk later on he would have had time to think about things... I mean I know what I want or at least I thought I knew.
Good. take the time to reflect on that, assess your core needs and expectations, invite and help him doing the same, then dialogue about it, how you could work as a team to make it work and what support you would need if necessary to make these changes
ok will do. thank you
You're very welcome. Take gentle care and consistent action.