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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Although my husband know in his head, you should discipline

Resolved Question:

Although my husband know in his head, you should discipline our teenagers, when push comes to shove, he won't. we have been to a counselor and he says he agrees, but yet he won't do it. The family met with our youth pastor, and he says, if they love our family, they will do what is best for the family. he won't need to set guidelines. I'm at the end of my rope....what do I do??
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very serious and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I want to reply to you because what your pastor advised is very serious and unacceptable , since it literally enables further neglect and chaos in your family.

Customer:

sorry..the pastor is not the "guy" that is what my husband said after meeting with the youth pastor. I know he needs to set guidelines, but he wont'....

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your children depend on both of you, and if your husband chooses not to play a responsible and healthy parental role, it would be hopeless and unrealistic to expect that your children would spontaneously become wise and respectful, once these skills depend on parent's direct modeling and how well they raise them moment by moment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, thank you for clarifying.

Customer:

unfortunately, we have two boys that are well beyond their years. they are more than I could have hoped for as far as wonderful children. the youngest boy, has the same personality as my daughter. "I know everything, I don't need to follow the rules, and my parents are dumb. " luckily the God has got a hold of they youngest one, and is slowly changing him. I think what scares me the most, is this difficulty we have had for several years with my daugther is always going to split our marriage. He kept saying once she goes to college things will be better. Well she went to college, and things are a touch better, but he still has his head in the sand about what she does.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Parents' personal and marital issues, including those related to parental style must be addressed and resolved if anything healthy and positive is expected to be provided to children. Your children are old enough to know what is acceptable and what is not, then they must take full responsibility for their actions, but if you and your husband as a team, do not set sound rules, discipline, and provide healthy affection and support, it would not work.

Customer:

ie...he said he would not pay for her college if she lived with her boyfriend. He went with her when she went to college, he has no job, no car, no place to live, and was not enrolled in college. He is still there, and my husband believes she is living in the dorms..

Customer:

so, what should I do if my husband refuses?? i guess my choices are to leave him or tolerate it for the rest of my life huh??

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you mean here is if you should tolerate and continue to financially and materially support your daughter and her boyfriend while your husband refuses to?

Customer:

no..just the opposite. He supports he...I don't think we should. He told her before college..."you will live in the dorms, and we will not pay for your college if you live with your boyfriend"...I guarantee you thye are living together, and she is not living in the dorms. yet, he refuses to address it. He thinks it is more important that she goes to college.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have the right and need to choose what you think and feel is the healthiest and best option for you as an individual, spouse and mother. If after you assess the pros and cons of your concrete reality you see that the dysfunction and damage would be greater for you and your children in case yo continue facing this dysfunctional reality, and your husband refuses to work on making necessary changes to heal you marital relationship and the family, then it would not be non-sense to consider separation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then he is obviously doing the worst in this scenario, literally enabling their behaviors.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very serious, since it shows how dishonest and immature, manipulative and dysfunctional your husband could be, enabling the same patterns in your daughter and in her unhealthy boyfriend.

Customer:

I guess I know that....my beliefs say the only reason I can seperate is because of faithfulness. I've told him, if she was a drug addict, he would be on the corner buying it, and justifying it. I went to aa once, it appears I needed a slap to go back!! I don't see seperation or divorce, so I'm going to have to learn how to deal with his enabling, and that is probablyt the best place.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then stick to individual psychotherapy and join a support group for codependency.

Customer:

yes I agree...I have yet to meet someone who doesn't dislike him. and that includes people that never say anything bad about people. thanks for you help. i will back at an aa meeting!!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That would be the best way to get necessary support to more effectively cope with this very serious situation and take better care of yourself.

Customer:

thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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