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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Please shed some light...

Customer Question

Hello, I have been with a man for about a year now, he is the first man I have ever met that I loved from the first time I heard his voice. He was calling to apply for a job at the place I worked and it ended up being a ten minute electric conversation where I put in a good word for him to be hired, when he came in for an interview and we met it was instant for both of us.

I was married at the time, unhappily. I left my husband for him and everything was like magic I had never been so happy. After about 6 months another side of him came out, it is the strangest thing, when we are happy we are so happy, when he is upset about something or tired he becomes very cold and leaves me wondering where I stand and if he loves me at all.

He is very possessive and gets an attitude whenever I want to do something social that cant include him because he is on the road, but on the other hand, says he needs his space and goes to his friends in a near by city when he can. It is like he wants to keep me under his thumb, but be as free as he wants to be. He wishes I wouldn't wear make up or dress in a way that I feel confident. I have a daughter and when he is with her he is very sweet her, but often asks questions like "Do you have Layla this weekend?" as if to suggest that I have to be without her for us to make plans.

We are young, I am 24 and he is 23. He is a truck driver and is on the road a lot, he got home yesterday afternoon and I went for lunch with him and his boss, I then asked him if he would come to my mothers house with me because it was my stepdads birthday and if he could make it I would love it if he came. He told me he would be there, and it would work out perfectly because he could leave from to go back to work. I called him when I got to my Moms to ask where he was, he was sleeping, I know it was because he was tired from being on the road,  had he said he wouldn't be able to make it because he wanted to catch up on some sleep that would have been fine. But when he tells me he is coming then my Mom asks where he is and I call him to find out he is asleep and didn't have the decency to tell he wasn't going to make it, it was embarrassing because this is not the first time he has done this and it is a fight every single time. My family means a lot to me and I just want him to be a part of it. When he does come he has a great time, but sometimes he says he just doesn't feel social, and "why do I have to date your family?" I don't expect him to always want to be there, or date my family, I just expect that when he says he is going to be somewhere, he is there. Being that I am a mother. There is a family dynamic that I know I need to provide for her.

Last night it became a large fight with him not having anything to say really except that I am being crazy and overreacting. I got fed up from him being so inconsiderate and gave him an ultimatum that either he followed through and came to my home or we would be over because I wont put up with him being so incondsiderate and not having the decency to let me know that he wouldn't be making it. He was very condescending and saying things like "Ahh WOMAN! Crazy creatures you all are"

He doesn't seem to see my side of things, and if he does, his pride wont allow him to admit it. He thinks that because I reacted to him essentially "ditching", that I expect him to spend all of his time with me. When that is not the case, it is just if he says he is going to be somewhere I expect him to follow through, or at least let me know if that changes. Leaving me to think that he just doesn't care to consider me at all.


 


When I confronted him about this all I got was a lot of rude comments and hung up on repeatedly. I know that he loves me because he tells me he does every single day. He says, "I have more of him that any other girl he has dated" and "If I didn't love you, I would have been out a long time ago". I know it is a hard situation for him considering I am still not totally divorced and have a child with my ex, but I walked away from all that for him and I am now getting all of that straightened out because I love him. I just know that if he asked me to be somewhere and I said I would be there, I would be. I am not sure what to think or do anymore.


 


 I asked him straight up last night, "Do you care about me? Do you want to be with me? He said, "Not if it is going to be like this" Referring to the arguing. But I don't understand why asking for him to have some decency and let me know that he isn't going to make it is too much to ask, especially since this isn't the first time we have fought about this and he knows it will upset me.


 


I just don't know how he could say I am over reacting, if it was the first time maybe I wouldn't get so upset. I asked him straight up to make up his mind, if he loves me, stop leaving me wondering where I stand, tell me that he loves me and wants to be with me if that's what he wants, and if not then say so, he said "ill let you know" I hung up the phone and walked back into work.

He then immediately called me back and said this, "How about this, I wanna be with you, but if that changes, and I decide that maybe it would be best for us to be apart, I will let you know" For me that just feels like our relationship is in his hands, I do everything for him.

Please shed some light.


 


I need an unbiased opinion.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

You have fallen in love with a man with some serious defects in character, a lot of them due to immaturity.

He is still very much an adolescent who thinks that because he is nicer to you then he has been to any other woman, that he is giviing enough.

He is also lacking self-confidence and wants to control the way you dress and your appearance.

He does not care about your feelings or about your motherhood. You are a woman and he is a boy and he acts like a boy and treats you as less than himself.

He may have somewhat of a narcissistic personality in that he wants to be in charge, wants to control the situation to his advantage, and to control you as well.

When he mistreats you, you are at fault and he is the victim.

He also does not seem to be capable of feeling empathy for you and does not care about your feelings or your relationship with your daughter or your parents.

It is all about him.

He DOES have to be in charge and he has let you know that there is a sword hanging over your head on a thread and it could snap anytime (known as the Sword of Damocles in ancient myth).

If you want to live by his "my way or the highway" rules, you might just let him hop into that 18-wheeler and get out of town if he cannot do better.

I want you to get the following book and see if it can help.

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Payson, Eleanor



Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC



I do not see a bright future ahead for you under the present circumstances.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Hello again Elliott,


 


This is a very troubling situation now.


 


A few days after your response with some added thinking on account of him being away, I did actually break it off with him.


 


But it ended up being a situation where he did listen to everything I had to say, I laid it all out there. He had some kind of rebuttal to everything I said as some way of justifying it.


 


It ended up being a very long conversation where for the first time in a while I actually felt like he cared, by the end of it we were still together, so call it a failed attempt.


 


My question for you now is this; There are a lot of things about him that drive me insane, and as you have yourself observed a lot to do with immaturity as well as insecurity.


 


But the things that make me love him are the qualities he has as a person, the way he thinks, just generally who he is. That is what I lacked with my ex, I couldn't just have intelligent conversations with him, As much as what I have mentioned about the things that trouble me to do with immaturity, in a lot of ways he is wise beyond his years.


 


He is the type that is committed, though he needs his space. He says all the time that he "doesn't think about the future". This is why both of his previous relationships ended, they both wanted something that he wasn't ready for, or even to begin talking about.


 


I just want some advice, do you think with time he will change? Do you think maybe he just needs to be given time to grow?

Or, do you think I am investing too much emotion, energy, and effort into someone that maybe doesn't deserve it?


 

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.