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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, I have been seeing a man for 3 months now. Everything

Resolved Question:

Hello,

I have been seeing a man for 3 months now. Everything was going great, we saw each other when we could (typically every 2 or 3 weeks), as we are both very busy professionals with little kids and we are both trying to make it work that way. I saw him last 2 weeks ago and we had a great time but he complained to me that we weren't seeing each other enough. He also concluded the evening by telling me that he wanted me. So I made an effort to ask him the next day if he would like to get together again the next week (we always text everyday), and he said yes right away. We planned the date and the day of the date, in the morning, I got a text that he felt really bad but couldn't see me that day because a friend just showed up in town and was staying at his place. He asked if we could reschedule this weekend. I said I couldn't because my parents are in town. Then we rescheduled for next week. He has not been in touch with me since, and we are used to texting everyday. I think he is pulling away somehow. What do you think? Should I initiate texting again (he said his cellphone is broken, which seems odd to me in this day and age..) or just let it go and see what happens?

Thanks!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you are right, since his behavior changed from the moment you rescheduled the last time. If his mobile phone is broken how was he able to reply? And for how long has it been broken according to him? Doesn't he use it daily because of personal and work related needs?

Customer:

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat

Customer:

yes he does use his phone daily. The glass panel was broken last time I saw him but that never prevented him from communicating with me before

Customer:

he just really had a drastic chage of behavior and I can't figure it out

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

And how many days have been that his phone has been broken according to him?

Customer:

about 1.5 weeks, but he has stopped comunicating with me pretty much this past week only

Customer:

he mentioned the broken phone to me last weekend

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Everything seems to point at this recent situation where you could not meet his expectation for rescheduling the date when he wanted. What would be very immature since he was the one who initially and suddenly cancelled your date.

Customer:

right, and I did have a legitimate reason

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then is does not make sense, since he is a professional and busy person as you said, and not an old man, then it seems as an excuse, specially because he has also changed the way he used to share with you this much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

On the other hand his reaction seems childish and very impulsive,like retaliating because of you not being available when he wanted

Customer:

he has been complaining that we don't see each other enough, he'd like for me to spend a weekend with him and I can't, as I have a little kid and I am a single mom

Customer:

and he is a single dad too by the way

Customer:

any idea how I should handle that?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, you said before this incident happen he told you how much he wants you, and that could explain why he got so frustrated by this situation, but obviously he has poor coping and communication skills, for him to change this much this fast

Customer:

I agree...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe that the best approach is to be honest, direct, talking to him about this deep changes, sharing your concerns and feelings about them

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As long as you were respectful, taking full responsibility for your own feelings and not pushy, there would be nothing wrong about taking this initiative. While denying, avoiding or delaying addressing this obvious problem would be codependent and unhealthy, not helping but undermining the relationship even more.

Customer:

ok.. so not just ignore him until he communicates again?

Customer:

isn't his behavior a bad sign though?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, ignoring an issue does not resolve it, but fuels further avoidance , passive aggressiveness and dysfunction.

Customer:

as I said, I have very little time to waste...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely it is, that's why I said it seems very immature, impulsive and childish.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have just started this relationship, but he is already presenting unhealthy behaviors, that would not allow it to develops well at all, unless he significantly changes his ways.

Customer:

I agree. I am a very straightforward person, so behaviors like this always make me wonder if I did something wrong unintentionally

Customer:

I will talk to him about this face to face and see how he reacts to it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This seems obviously very concerning and frustrating, but also necessary for you to find out what core issues exist that are and could continue to affect this relationship, even more taking into account that you do not have time, and perhaps are not willing to waste time if the relationship is not truly mature.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sounds good, then from his actions and reactions, more than from his words you would better know how mature, assertive, honest and compatible he happens to be, and how well this relationship could or could not work.

Customer:

my attitude is that I need to know him better before I can commit more time. He doesn't need to understand that. and I am not sure that a weekend of full romantic intimacy in a nice place will bring me comfort that he is the right [person for me... but maybe I am too practical...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you that without taking the time to share and know each other better, it would be unrealistic and unhealthy to push any commitment. But I think he needs to understand it otherwise how could he respect you , your boundaries and fulfill your needs and expectations? Only if he feels the same and is willing to work with you under the same rules, this relationship could evolve and grow healthy and bringing real fulfillment, otherwise it would not work,, and for sure a nice weekend would not make thing instantly work, even more now that he is showing these very concerning behaviors.

Customer:

I agree. thank you for your help!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think being truthful with yourself and honest towards him is essential, as well as being this proactive and realistic, otherwise people could fool themselves and each other very easily, creating strong but codependent and dysfunctional relationship, that would be unable to bring real mutual happiness and fulfillment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach