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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, I need advice on this.I am a single man with no kids

Resolved Question:

Hello,
I need advice on this.I am a single man with no kids dating a woman who is yet to be divorced and has two kids.She is in the process of divorcing to be precise.I have dated her for almost a year plus now.I need to know how to deal with her in the sense that she spites me or talks anyhow at times.I love her very much but at times the way she talks really pisses me off and one other thing,she lies and i have caught up with her on it a few times and that really discourages me,this said woman in question,i have also engaged her because i sincerely XXXXX XXXXX her.I get confused and scared at times.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this very concerning and frustrating situation.

Customer:

hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, thank you for joining the chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here about the way he verbally mistreats you and her lack of honesty, are both very serious issues.

Customer:

hello raf

Customer:

i am a man

Customer:

I am writing about my girlfriend...

Customer:

Well,i have caught up with her lies before and called her a perpetual liar,but the issue here is,how do i deal with her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have been dating for around a year and for you to be this concerned and scared about these behaviors is truly concerning, since it shows the relationship is missing core ingredients to develop well.

Customer:

She made a comment today which was spiteful to me

Customer:

I would not lie,i hit her once 6months ago and i promised myself never to...she acted like a traitor and that was why i did so..but please

Customer:

I just need advice on how to deal with her because i truly do love her

Customer:

She sincerely XXXXX XXXXX know how to talk..

Customer:

and the issue here is,i do not spite her or say anything to make her feel bad

Customer:

I must say

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it is truly serious. Does she lie to other people too , do you know?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you do not trigger her bad temper and she continues to be verbally and emotionally abusive, then it'd be clear she has serious issues undermining her ability to share and be in the relatiosnhip

Customer:

Well,i would not know about that...

Customer:

Well,I need to know how to deal with her that anytime she insults me indirectly i do not take it personal

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have been respectful, patient and supportive but she continues to be dishonest and abusive,then you could not expect this relationship to work

Customer:

well,not as if she is dishonest as such..but her lies are irrelevant...and she does not know how to talk.She talks anyhow

Customer:

And she seems controlling..i must say

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person, even more somebody close to you abuses you whether verbally, emotionally or physically, you need to immediately confront such behavior, set boundaries and make it clear it is unacceptable; otherwise you would be enabling further abuse and dishonesty.

Customer:

well,regarding her abuse..she says things she feels they are not hurtful but to me they are hurtful

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then she does not seem to be a mature person, nor assertive, and unless she works on herself in order to develop these skills and end any form of abusive behaviors, I do not see how you could feel comfortable and happy in the relationship, no matter how well you try to cope with it.

Customer:

Okay,tell me how do i cope with the way she talks..i am a very sensitive man

Customer:

I must say,i am very sensitive

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you give me an example, like what words or things she use to tell you that hurt you the most?

Customer:

she does not have a particular word..she just says things anyhow out of her mouth not thinking of how the other party will feel.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As I said before, you need to confront her hurtful behaviors as soon as they appear, letting her know how you feel and that it is unacceptable for her to lie or to verbally offed you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said you do not know if she is this very same way towards other people or only with you, right?

Customer:

yes...

Customer:

She herself has said that her family says she does not know how to talk and unfortunately i am a very sensitive man

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once you confront her behavior, you ask her in an assertive way to please change her ways, not to lie and not to talk that way since it is hurtful. Then you would say that if she continues doing it, you would prefer to leave for a while until she reflects on her actions, work on making changes so you could take better care of yourself too. And you would take like 30 minutes or more then come back and see if she really worked on what happened and is willing to respect and treat you well.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then perhaps she is this way with most people or with everybody, but it would not only be about not knowing how to talk, but about lack of sensitivity, not being careful nor empathic to recognize how hurtful her words could be. Also the lack of honesty is unacceptable. She would need to work on herself with professional support in order to make significant improvements otherwise do not see how this could work. Now I imagine she would not be willing to get help, would she?

Customer:

She said i should take her the way she is,just imagine

Customer:

Well,she went to see some shrink.,obviously on her own issues i guess

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For a healthy and fulfliling relationship to be built, both partners must be respectful, understanding, affectionate and supportive, otherwise it would become a dysfunctional relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The problem with such approach is that the person could justify any behavior, even the most abusive and dysfunctional ones very easily. Healthy and constructive love requires mutual respect, and never any form of abuse or mistreatment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Both need to take responsibility for your own words, feelings and actions, if not it would not work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Also, you need to be compatible at core levels, and you are sharing here how she does not care about the way she talks nor about her lack of honesty, while you are a very sensitive man, then how could you build a healthy and fulfilling relationship if you are this very different?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious to me, based on your story that she needs consistent and effective psychotherapy in order to work on herself, on these core personal issues undermining her ability to develop healthy relationships, otherwise it would be unrealistic to expect that your relationship would be fine in the future if it is not working after the first year of dating.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes..well,maybe i should just try my best to overlook what she says or just walk away from her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to reassess what you truly need and expect from a relationship, and be totally truthful with yourself, and see if she is really capable and willing to meet these core needs and expectations or not, then make a decision based on that honest evaluation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she truly happens to care about you and your relationship, then she would work on making necessary changes, but she does not seem to be willing at all to do that, but expects you to accept her the way she is, being dishonest and uncaring about the way she treats you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you need to take some time to carefully reflect on what you are really willing to afford in this relationship now and in the long run, otherwise you would just get more frustrated and depressed because of it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me if you have any more questions sine I am here to support you as possible,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do also suggest you to consider getting individual counseling in order to get the best possible support to effectively cope with this challenging situation, to take good care of yourself and assess what you really want and can do in the present about this relationship.

Customer:

Ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you.

Customer:

Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach