I need some spiritual guidance from a Christian counselor.
I have been living with my boyfriend Ray for 10 years. We have a 9 year old son J together. I recently found out Ray is not J’s biological father. We always suspected he wasn’t, but the DNA test has now confirmed it. Unfortunately, J’s biological father is a heroin addict who is in prison. He gets out soon, but he is always in and out of prison. I don’t see how J having a relationship with his biological father would be of any benefit to him. Ray is very close to J, and I do not want to break up their relationship, but there are significant problems with my relationship with Ray:First of all, right now Ray is unemployed. He is a full time student and will be graduating soon, within a few months. Hopefully, after that he will be able to find a job. But for now the relationship is strained because he is broke and I am supporting him. Second, he has a severe sexual problem. He has erectile dysfunction that physically prevents him from obtaining an erection, and he has some sort of sexual psychological problem where he has no interest at all in sex. This leaves me feeling frustrated and rejected! I have had multiple affairs over the years that didn’t go anywhere. I would love to just dump him and find somebody else and get married, but nobody else is interested in committing to me. So far Ray has been here for the long haul. He has taken care of J and me through sickness and in health. The relationship is lacking sex, but not friendship, companionship and a sense of family. I should also add that I have very few family members. Both my parents are deceased and my siblings are deceased. All I have left is my son and one uncle and some distant cousins. So I really don’t have any family support but Ray. Yet I feel so rejected and I don’t feel like a women. I feel inadequate to the point of crying. I don’t want to keep the relationship, but if I let him go, then I lose the only family I have left. What should I do? I definitely DO NOT want to marry him under these conditions, yet how does God really feel about me living with a man I am not married to even though we are not fornicating, we are still living together unmarried. Should he get that privilege without be married to me? How do I dissolve this relationship in a fair way? He has taken care of me when I was sick and near death and had no other family members around. I have multiple disabilities. What if I need him? Is that a lack of faith depending on him, a man, instead of putting all my faith and all my trust in God. I got to trust that God will provide all my needs should I get sick again.
Thanks so much for your perspective. I had not thought about a sex therapist. I thought it was wrong to have sex since we weren't married anyway. I was thinking that God wanted me to focus on His purpose for my life and not fulfilling my sexual desires. That sounds lofty, something I'm having trouble doing, not noticing my sexual desires. It would be wrong for me to abandon Ray because my son would have gone into foster care during the time I was sick because I was in the hospital for three months. He brought our son to the hospital to visit me everyday for three months so I wouldn't go crazy from missing him and he potty trained him. I was really sick and almost died. He had to cook, clean, do laundry and even bring me a bedpan and dump it and clean me up. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom. So I can't just kick him out, but I am so miserable. I feel ugly like nobody wants me. Maybe I will see how much a sex therapist will cost. Price is an issue.