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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I need some spiritual guidance from a Christian counselor.

Resolved Question:

I need some spiritual guidance from a Christian counselor.


I have been living with my boyfriend Ray for 10 years. We have a 9 year old son J together. I recently found out Ray is not J’s biological father. We always suspected he wasn’t, but the DNA test has now confirmed it. Unfortunately, J’s biological father is a heroin addict who is in prison. He gets out soon, but he is always in and out of prison. I don’t see how J having a relationship with his biological father would be of any benefit to him. Ray is very close to J, and I do not want to break up their relationship, but there are significant problems with my relationship with Ray:
First of all, right now Ray is unemployed. He is a full time student and will be graduating soon, within a few months. Hopefully, after that he will be able to find a job. But for now the relationship is strained because he is broke and I am supporting him.
Second, he has a severe sexual problem. He has erectile dysfunction that physically prevents him from obtaining an erection, and he has some sort of sexual psychological problem where he has no interest at all in sex. This leaves me feeling frustrated and rejected! I have had multiple affairs over the years that didn’t go anywhere. I would love to just dump him and find somebody else and get married, but nobody else is interested in committing to me. So far Ray has been here for the long haul. He has taken care of J and me through sickness and in health. The relationship is lacking sex, but not friendship, companionship and a sense of family. I should also add that I have very few family members. Both my parents are deceased and my siblings are deceased. All I have left is my son and one uncle and some distant cousins. So I really don’t have any family support but Ray. Yet I feel so rejected and I don’t feel like a women. I feel inadequate to the point of crying. I don’t want to keep the relationship, but if I let him go, then I lose the only family I have left.
What should I do? I definitely DO NOT want to marry him under these conditions, yet how does God really feel about me living with a man I am not married to even though we are not fornicating, we are still living together unmarried. Should he get that privilege without be married to me? How do I dissolve this relationship in a fair way? He has taken care of me when I was sick and near death and had no other family members around. I have multiple disabilities. What if I need him? Is that a lack of faith depending on him, a man, instead of putting all my faith and all my trust in God. I got to trust that God will provide all my needs should I get sick again.


 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear sister,

I believe that I can help.

Your situation is very complicated but there are good paths to follow.

Don't bertate yourself about something that you cannot change. You've been given a precious gift of this child, and another precious gift of a man who loves you and loves your child, and who has stood by you in your hours of need and suffering.

It seems to me that God HAS been providing for you through the providence of this man, Ray, who has been your blessed angel thus far, and the answers to your prayers.

He is putting himself through school, he is a father to your child, and supports you in your disabilites.

He too has a disability which can be addressed with the proper professional support.

I understand how unfulfilled you are, sexually, but you are fulfilled in so many other ways by this man who is also esential in your child's life a well.

Do not give up your hope and your faith. Give thanks to God for bringing you this one in a million man.

Let me help to lead you to someone who can help Ray, and both of you to fix these sexual problems.

A sex therapist is a licensed mental health professional with ADDITIONAL training and national certification who would be the person best qualified to help you.

The best ones are members of AASECT. You can find such a therapist in your area by going to the following website and clicking on your state and finding one on the list.

http://www.aasect.org/directory.asp

This is not a conflict between trusting in God and trusting in Ray.

You are both meant to work this out. It would be wrong to not try all that you can to stand behind Ray as he stood behind you.

It is God's intention for you to be a faithful friend and not to abandon your friends in need.

What you cast upon the waters with your faith and trust in God, will come back to you ten-fold.

The sex therapist will make changes in your life and will also refer Ray for medical consultations. He may need hormone therapy (for low testosterone) and or erectile disorder (ED) medications so that he can obtain and maintain an erection.

The sex therapist will help him to understand your needs and how to fulfill them.

I wish you great fortune. Pray a great deal about this, find a therapist and go to see him with Ray.

I shall keep you in my prayers. May you find resolution to this problem. Amen.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks so much for your perspective. I had not thought about a sex therapist. I thought it was wrong to have sex since we weren't married anyway. I was thinking that God wanted me to focus on His purpose for my life and not fulfilling my sexual desires. That sounds lofty, something I'm having trouble doing, not noticing my sexual desires. It would be wrong for me to abandon Ray because my son would have gone into foster care during the time I was sick because I was in the hospital for three months. He brought our son to the hospital to visit me everyday for three months so I wouldn't go crazy from missing him and he potty trained him. I was really sick and almost died. He had to cook, clean, do laundry and even bring me a bedpan and dump it and clean me up. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom. So I can't just kick him out, but I am so miserable. I feel ugly like nobody wants me. Maybe I will see how much a sex therapist will cost. Price is an issue.

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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Counselor
7663 Satisfied Customers
35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.