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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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So I have been dating this girl for a little over 7 months.

Resolved Question:

So I have been dating this girl for a little over 7 months. she is 18 and I am 23. For the first6 months that we were together things were great. We were head over heels in love with eachother. She graduated high school and in the following fall left for college. since then the communication has been slowly dwindling. I knew this would happen but now we are a little over a month into this long distance thing and I feel like the communication and the connection are all but gone. We txt every day but the conversations are pretty mundane every day stuff and theyre short. We set up Skype but we have only used it twice and now she shows no interest in it. all the I miss yous are gone and it just feels like the relationship is suffering badly. She hasn't said she wants a break or that she wants to break up. She hasn't said much of anything with regards XXXXX XXXXX relationship. she still says I love you to me but its much less frequent. I just feel so distant from her like I barely even know her as a friend anymore. I know shes busy with college and all that but still it feels like im losing her. My question is what should I do? should I talk to her about it and if so how can I approach it so that I don't rub her the wrong way? I don't want her to feel like im controlling her or that I am insecure but I want to know whats going on and why we have gotten so distant.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is concerning indeed, because of the dramatic changes she has presented since she relocated to attend college.

Customer:

Ya its not so much frustrating as heart breaking I knew these changes would happen but I didn't think they would be this drastic that's y im concerned

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She is a very young person just starting to live a more independent life, with more responsibilities and freedom. But not every person in her shoes would get this way under the same circumstances for sure, this only shows she has been changing and the relationship is suffering because of it, once you remain the same in the way you feel and expect things in the relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why you need to work on creating a truly open and close communication, otherwise it would be impossible, regardless the circumstances to build anything healthy and fulfilling. Obviously this could only work if she still happens to feel like working on it. Her behaviors do not show that, and that's why you need to talk about it, which does not mean pushing but being mature, assertive and proactive.

Customer:

Ya she is young but when we fell in love she seemed so sure of us. Shes very mature and intelligent for her age but again she is only 18. I guess my expectations are proving to be a little to high. but again idk whats going through her head she may just be busy with all her school and stuff that's. I know the only way to find out is to open up and talk with her about it. I just want to make sure I can talk to her and express my feelings in a way that wont make her feel pressured or accused. Im not the greatest with words

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being passive, avoiding to talk about your feelings, to address any concerns or issues that you may experience is never healthy but dysfunctional, promotes a codependent relationship, which never leads to real fulfillment, but increases the distance between you, the lack of knowledge and mutual understanding, making impossible for the relationship to develop and grow.

Customer:

Ya I got way to caught up in stepping back and letting her live the college life. I guess I got scared and when I get scared I ball up and kinda draw away from people. I was afraid if I brought it up she would see me as weak and codependant.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No matter how caring and assertive you may be, if she is not truly mature and assertive enough, she would always react in a negative way, being defensive, avoidant or justifying her behavior, and that's something you cannot and should not try to control, but you should take consistent actions as needed.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would be codependent avoiding to address these serious issue

Customer:

I see. Well ive been sitting here doing nothing and saying nothing so the only other option is to act. Ill need to plan it a little and prepare myself for a negative reaction cause she may well have one. Im just hoping I can avoid a negative reaction and hopefully fix the issue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree, you cannot afford avoiding addressing this issue, this way you would know if she is truly willing and wanting to continue working on your relationship or not. This is unavoidable,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Scary, but necessary, much better for you to face reality. If she is really honest and willing to work on your relationship because she wants it, perfect, if not, it would be good for you not to fuel further expectations and suffer later even more.

Customer:

Agreed. well Rafael I need to be going I have an early morning tomorrow. Thank you for your help I see what I have to do now just a matter of plucking up the words and courage to do it. Thank you for your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you. Thank you for your trust. Just be honest and gentle at the same time.

Customer:

Will do goodnight.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good night.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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