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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5110
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I met up with a friend who I have known over ten years we went

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I met up with a friend who I have known over ten years we went out and kissed and then had sex once. The second time we met up and ended up in his place he didnt want to have sex because he said if we did then it would make us fwb. I did not want that so then we ended the night. We have been talking since then and all he talks about is he want sto see and to caress him -he said he loves the way i touch his skin. Now he wanted to come over to my apt and he did just to see me and to sleep next to me. All he did was sleep n then during my lunch as i worked from home he caressed me and started to foreplay then as i told him to stop i asked him why do that and he said we stop right so we would be fwb. I like him a bit but find it odd that he does this. Now he is going through his divorce proceeding and has been separated fro over a year. He also wants to go to the beach this weekend and spend time together. I really dont know but he saids he doesn't want to hurt me but i think its not healthy for me to play with a friend if actuality all we are is friends.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

I think your intuitive thoughts are very accurate: this is not a straightforward natural progression and it's not a good and healthy progression.

Customer:

Thank you. I am a bit sad because I feel as if I need to finish the friendship because it will never be the same

Customer:

Oh wow I know ur right

Dr. Mark :

Yes, that is sad. But we are both agreed, then, that this is not a good situation for you?

Customer:

As a man is this just a game for him. I mean why would he damage our friendship- I guess i should never have slept with him and hence i would not have this issue

Customer:

Does he just want to string me along like a puppet and how do i get out of this with my head up instead like feeling crappy as i do right now

Dr. Mark :

It's not a matter of him being a man, this is his own emotional lack of clarity.

Customer:

what do u mean

Dr. Mark :

He is torn between a lot of conflicting feelings. And he's acting impulsively every so often.

Dr. Mark :

But the upshot is that he's not really ready or prepared for a healthy relationship. And you are. And you need to focus on that, agreed?

Customer:

So how do i get out of this i mean what do i say

Dr. Mark :

You don't make up a long explanation, that's always a mistake. Then,

Customer:

so what do i say

Dr. Mark :

you make sure to be honest: I've thought about it and I need to step back. I would rather not go this weekend.

Dr. Mark :

If he asks what you mean that you need to step back, then

Dr. Mark :

be honest: this is not a healthy relationship for me and I'd like to move on.

Dr. Mark :

Then say goodbye and move on. What do you think?

Dr. Mark :

Can I paste in for you what I write for people when they are ready to move on?

Customer:

oh wow i guess-I guess i am sad cause i thought if i found common ground with someone i knew for such a long time it would have worked but reality is its not the right person for me. I mean i just went through a divorce a year ago but i dont want to be dating and jumping from bed to bed and i guess ur right i want something more stable and he can not be that for me;. and please do paste the info

Dr. Mark :

Wow, you are a very brave woman. I didn't know about your recent divorce, and

Customer:

you know not for nothing but i actually though i could have a friendship where i sleep with someone without having sex but i just cant honestly i just dont see it possible for me i was kidding myself and only would hurt myself in the end

Dr. Mark :

it is requiring a lot of self discipline and strength to realize that you are you and you HAVE to be you.

Dr. Mark :

This is important. And I'm glad you are not trying to pretend about yourself, because I have found in working in therapy with people that in the end you wind up hurting yourself, you know?

Dr. Mark :

Here's the material:

Dr. Mark :

Now for your life. Why do I say your life? Because you are not going to find Mr. Right by just looking for "a guy" who happens to look great and is good in bed and enjoys you on the side. You've got to treat finding Mr. Right as part of living YOUR life. You are clearly a woman with values. You are not looking simply for sexual gratification. You are looking for a human being who wants to share his life with you and who values who you are.


That's why we're going to focus on goals, strategies, and plans. I want you to take a sheet of paper or on the computer if you prefer and on that paper write your Healthy Relationship Goals. Examples: make 3 close friends in the next 3 months; or go on dates with interesting men at least 4 times in the next 3 months, etc. So you see they don't need to even be goals for just relationships with men, but can be social relationships. Because the more social you are, the more you build your ability to express yourself socially instead of just career wise, the more you will feel comfortable expressing yourself to Mr. Right on a date. You need to feel comfortable sharing your inner self with other people on lots of different levels: acquaintances, friends, confidantes, and dates.


Next, I need you to take another sheet or underneath the goals in the same sheet write Strategies for my Healthy Relationship Goals. For each of the Goals, I want you to write strategies. For example, if your goal is to go out 4 times in 3 months, strategies might be: I want to identify the type of interests men you'd be interested in would have. Then I want to ask yourself where would they go to fulfill those interests. For example, if an interesting man needs to be someone who is into fitness, then he would be a member of a fitness club. If he needs to like art, then he would be a member of the Art Museum and go to gallery openings. If he needs to be spiritually oriented, then he might need to be attending church or a meditation class.


Then, you need to write on a separate piece of paper or underneath each Goal and Strategy: Plans for how to succeed with your strategies. So to continue the example above, you might write: my plan is to go to the 6 most popular fitness studios and check them out to see what their membership looks like and what kind of activities are there. Or for art, I plan to join the Art Museum and to go to an art opening at a gallery at least twice per month and maybe 3 times. Or if you are interested in religion, checking out 3 congregations for active ones that have social events.


These are examples of strategies and plans. I'm trying to focus you on your life interests. What do you want to do to further your having a meaningful life? Remember, Mr. Right needs to fit into what's meaningful to you, so look for him in activities that bring out what's meaningful in your life. And look only at men who have a "clear title" they can show you...


Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

can i ask do i tell him thhis in person or by text

Customer:

i mean he still has some movies i left in his house i need to get them

Customer:

or i can cut my losses and forget about the movies n just move on without saying a word

Dr. Mark :

I think this would be more fair by voice phone then text. However, if you can't bring yourself to do that, you can't. You've brought yourself to strength realizing that this is not good for you nor does it represent who you are or what you really want in life. So, I don't take the all or nothing approach. If you can't bring yourself to call, then text. What do you think?

Dr. Mark :

As for the movies, they depend on their value to you. I do think at least a text, though, so you feel okay about leaving. And then if you want the movies, send some stamps along for him to mail them?

Customer:

ok can i be embarrassed to tell u i sent him a gift today as a friend and i know feel used and stupid i really feel like if i dont even want to talk to him

Dr. Mark :

No need to beat yourself up.

Dr. Mark :

You are doing fine. It is okay if he thinks you're the one acting impulsively here. You've had good realizations about yourself through our chatting and that's important. So it's okay if you leave with him having a present.

Customer:

but i meant i dont want to say nothing i just feel like not answering his texts and just leaving it like that

Customer:

will that look bad -cause right now i feel like a fool

Customer:

reading ur post and having a gut feeling i was just being used makes me sad and honestly embarrased of myself

Dr. Mark :

Can I tell you as someone who's older that you will not be making a fool of yourself by texting him that you are moving on? Because

Customer:

sorry but i feel silly right now and used-infact

Customer:

im 42 n im nieve'

Dr. Mark :

You're 42 and on your way to finding Mr. Right and now better equipped than you were before we talked!

Customer:

i m new to the dating scene and feel awkward all the guys i meet just want to be fwb-why

Customer:

what am i doing wrong

Dr. Mark :

You're not doing anything wrong. You're just expecting it to be a 100% success rate. Let me explain with an analogy:

Dr. Mark :

when you go to the supermarket

Dr. Mark :

you go to the canned vegetables aisle, and when you look at the cans, you expect to pick a winner with the first can that has the brand you like, right?

Dr. Mark :

But dating is like going to the fresh vegetables aisle: you have to be selective, you have to examine closely, and you have to be willing to say no and reject the ones that aren't right.

Customer:

in this past year sir i have date 5 guys and all of them wanted that fwb. I just fel like its hopeless being 42 n in the dating scene all i find is guys that want sex and no commitment or even a relationship

Dr. Mark :

I wish what you were saying was not true. But I've been working with couples long enough to know it is true:

Dr. Mark :

there are far, far more men who are not normal in the 40+ age group than women.

Customer:

sir i dont go out much so my circle of friends is pretty shallow as all i have were married friends and now being divorced i have maybee one and she doesnt go out at all. so i am down to no activities other than going to the supermarket and the gym-which i go daily to

Dr. Mark :

This is why I urge you to follow the goals, strategies and plans format I gave you, okay?

Customer:

oh n chuirch

Dr. Mark :

You might need to start visiting other churches as well

Customer:

sorry sir just sad i guess i just have to focus on work and not on any relationships. Guess its easier to ignore what i want until one day god puts it in my path

Dr. Mark :

Hold on, you are a believing person and He put a challenge in your path! The challenge?

Dr. Mark :

To be wise, to learn about yourself, to grow as a human being, and to persevere. How?

Dr. Mark :

By not becoming downhearted, beating yourself up, blaming yourself for men's bad behavior.

Dr. Mark :

So, remember: you've learned more about yourself today and you can move forward a little wiser. That's what life is about.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, I wish you the very best!


 


My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

Thank you for all ur assisstamce i wrote down all of ur recommendations!

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5110
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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