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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Me(34) and my boyfriend(41) have been dating for 6 months,

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Me(34) and my boyfriend(41) have been dating for 6 months, slightly long distance, 3 hours away. We met on a 7 day cruise in March, very cordial man. He was on the cruise with his brother and I wondered why he was not with a lady friend/wife. He says that he was actually celebrating a divorce. He married a woman from and island, his home town, but after 1.5yrs of him visiting her she never moved to the states so he divorced her. After getting back home, we started dating. I've been hurt, he's been hurt, but we both gained each others trust. I've never had a relationship so loving in my life.. never once spoke badly about me, always cared for me and my needs, went out and had great times, took many pictures together, he always held my hand, hugs, kisses, the whole 9. He could never understand why a "beautiful & sweet" girl like me was single. We'd talk about our future together, family, career, etc. His goal within a year was to move to Florida, but in the meantime I would need to move to San Antonio from Houston before Florida. He pulled back on our relationship around July because he says that he did not think I would move away with him because my family is here. I reassured him that I would, that I knew his plans from the beginning. He says he was scared that he would get hurt again like his previous situation. I understood. Everything has gone great, still visiting each other.. he went away twice out of the state and country and we updated one another with pictures, voice messages, texts, etc. And keep in mind, most of this was initiated by him.. nothing was forced.. a normal relationship. He'd tell me how much he missed me, and all of the above. All the way up to September 6th he was texting me asking me "baby how is your day going" "kisses", etc. That was always the type of communication he had with me, so you can see how loving he was. My lease is ending up in September so even if I did not move now, I was hoping he'd propose I move with him again. On Sept 7th, he texted asking how my day was going.. I hinted to him that I was headed to his city to find a place to live. He asked me what did I mean, and asked was I joking. Since English is not his first language, I figured he didnt understand so I told him again. After that he said nothing to me until Sept 10th. On this day he sent me a long text ending our relationship, stating that he was probably moving to Florida soon and he needed to evaluate some things that I wouldnt be ready for. I didnt understand and he wouldnt call so I wrote out an email to him 2 days later and sent a video questioning his actions and displaying how sad I was. I'm thinking, he's scared again. He responded back to me on Sept 24th stating that he let me go because someone else came along that cared for him more(that did from the get go) and I never once even made him a cup of coffee and didnt display my care for him. Out of this whole time, we're staying in hotels, his apt twice, vacation home and this is in his city. I always expressed how I wanted to care for him, cook for him etc. I even sent him a care package when he had some cosmetic surgery in June. He told me how important I made him feel. We have loads of texts(I still have them) where I expressed all of this and him expressing himself as well. What happened? Where did this woman come from all of a sudden that agreed to spend the rest of her life with him? Moving to Florida.. He couldnt have met her within a month and she agreed to all of this and I know this wasnt going on while we were dating heavily.. I'm thinking he knew her before me and he just up and made a decision between me and her. He says it was a hard choice for him to make, but she showed him more. He knows I cared for him! But I couldnt display enough like I wanted because of the distance. I need to understand. Everyone I've talked to are so clueless because they know how close him & I were. And I'm assuming "this woman" is true? His mom moved in the from islands with him in March, so I know that. All I'm left with is memories of a great relationship and so much confusion.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 11 months ago.
Hello. I'm sorry he is doing this to you. I agree with your assumption that he probably knew this woman longer than he says and it may very well have come down to a choice. I think that all of the bad things he is saying about you and to you are not necessarily true and that he is just saying these things to make himself feel better and pretending he made the right choice. I don't think that you did not show him enough caring and I think that these are just excuses. If he does feel bad for letting you go, he may also say these things to get you mad at him and make it easier for you to be able to walk away as well.
In any case, he sounds like he has a lot of insecurities from his past and is dealing with it in a way which is not healthy. This is not something you or anyone else would be able to change with him. I would bet that this woman he is with may be good enough for him until another comes along as well. Not that this helps you in your current situation, but you have to look at what you are faced with right now and what your choices are. You have no choice but to move on. Even though he did what he did and you have little to no closure about it because of how he went about doing this to you, you need to allow time to help you heal and understand that it was not you, it was him and his own dysfunction which caused this to happen. You are probably better off now that he has shown his true colors in how he is able to treat someone with such care and then throw them away. Not a good trait to have! I know these are just words and do not help your healing from it. You will go through all of the stages that people go through after a break up like this, confusion, sadness, depression, anger, etc. and it's all ok to feel all of these things and normal. Allow yourself to go through it. When you get to anger, you are close to being able to let him go, as you let these feelings help you move forward.
Please do not beat yourself up over this, as I said this is his dysfunction and there is nothing you did wrong other than to be there for him.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
He always made sure I was ok. But at the same time I kept reassuring him I'd be there for him so it wasn't a one sided relationship. I was insecure myself at the beginning but he made sure that my insecurities were lifted. I had a feeling he may had been insecure/scared because he would tell me from time to time he didn't think I cared about him or I wouldn't move and the fact that he got lipo done. We were both caring people and I thought we could help one another in this area. I guess I wasn't enough. Unfortunately his hurt has probably led him to this. And I keep getting hurt also. I just hope this doesn't lead to me losing hope on everyone as he did.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 11 months ago.
I'm sure you might feel like you have no hope for anyone at first and this is normal. You may not and that would be great, but if you do, it's perfectly natural to do so. I hope that you take positives away from this situation as much as you can.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
One last thing. Do you think he'll ever try and talk to me again? Or once this type of person is done, they're done?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 11 months ago.
It depends on this other woman and how truthful the situation is about her moving with him. I think the most likely scenario is that he is done and you probably won't hear from him again, but I have seen situations where the new person ends up leaving and he would be in chaos and may fall back on calling you. So, it is possible, but not likely. It just depends on his new girlfriend and how she treats him.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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