How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question

Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1365
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
15718554
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Paige is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Husband and I are at a point of disagreement. The background

Resolved Question:

Husband and I are at a point of disagreement. The background is that we are currently receiving public assistance. This includes some cash assistance, carfare, food stamps, child care, rental assistance and medicaid. We are given the opportunity by the state to attend college (must be approved by the state) for two years and obtain a AA. Obviously this is to make us more employable. We are both enrolled and during that time all we have to worry about is making household payments. To me, this is a great opportunity that only comes around once. We are both in our 40s and only have high school diplomas which shuts a multitude of doors in our faces even though we have been working all our lives. This just happened in April and it was the result of job loss. I have a son who is disabled so I couldn't work until he was three and when I returned, the corporate world really changed. The only jobs I can get now are temp and if perm, the salary is quite low.

The problem is this. My husband got an offer for a job. At any other time, that would have been great but I am not happy about it because if he takes the job, we will lose everything we are receiving and I can no longer attend school. The problem is that he would not earn enough to make even a small dent in the debt load. I means we owe close to $90K!!! My thinking is that if we just follow through and focus on school for the next two years, he will have his BA and I will have an AA. This will open all the doors that were closed before and we can make more money. Between the two of us, at that point, we will be able to not only get out of the red but have savings. Not only that, we are racing against time. While others are looking to retire in a few years, we will just be getting out of debt if things go as I think they can and we are old folks, relatively speaking.

We have perfect school schedules. I go during the day and I'm allowed, even though receiving benefits, to work part time. He goes at night. I am there to care for my son who gets out of school at 1:30 pm (it's a special school). We will have to tighten our belts and live a monetarily disciplined life but so what!!! I think that is great. I am trying to communicate this to my husband but he thinks I'm wrong. I asked how much he thought this job would pay and he said about $55K with full benefits. I told him I was looking a the debt to income ratio and quite honestly that is chump change when you consider what we need to just get out of the red!

This job would require him to work full time. It's in another state and he would need a car. A friend has a car he can use but we can't afford insurance, gas and tolls and repairs if anything comes up. We have absolutely no money. We would not receive any help except transitional medicaid and maybe food stamps plus my son's SSI. He said he would have to go to school part-time. My question to him was when would he be with the family? We have a son to raise! He has been off and on in school for years and always took a job and then school was on the back burner. This is the only time he has every had the chance to just focus and get it done. Literally he has been trying to get his BA for 20 years! So the question is, am I wrong here? Help me to see something different or what am I missing. I have no intention of being on public assistance as a way of living. I just want to take advantage of this opportunity that will not come around again...
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 11 months ago.
Hello. I completely understand your situation and I personally know several people in the exact same position. While I do agree with you and your point of view, I also understand why your husband wants to take the job. Men tend to need to be the providers and also straight line thinkers. He is not thinking about everything that you are through to the logical conclusion that you are. He is thinking job=family provider with blinders on to anything other than these facts. He is probably looking at public assistance as being an embarrassing corner he is in and just wants to be off of it as soon as possible. Sometimes, there are other ways to the bigger goal and he is just not seeing it that way.
Your only option here is to keep speaking to him about your point of view and why you are thinking the way you are. Build him up so he knows that he is still the provider in the marriage and that you understand his point of view very well, but there will be a domino effect which will happen if he takes this job. Talk to him about the pros and cons and even write them down to show him. Ask him what he sees as pros and cons and just walk through all of it. I'm sure you have done this, but you just have to keep bringing it up in different ways until he is able to let down his guard and see your side of it. Ask him a lot of things so he feels a part of the decision. Ask him why do you feel this is the best thing for our family, what do you think will happen if you take this job ? etc..
I sympathize with your position and know you are not alone. It's a tough spot a lot of people are in given this economic situation we are all in.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1365
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency