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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello, My name isXXXXX am sending you this because I am

Resolved Question:

Hello,
My name isXXXXX am sending you this because I am in pain and I want to help myself heal and become the happy person I was before all this started with me. It hasn't been long in fact, but I lost my focus, I am eating all day long, can't smile or laugh from the bottom of my heart as I used to do. I need an action plan not a pep talk please.
In brief, I was betrayed and fooled and deceived by a man who pretended to be in love with me. I know maybe you heard this a lot. But let me first give you a background that will help you assess my situation and give me the best advise you have.
I am a Muslim lady and I am 34 years old. I work as HR Coordinator in a bid oil and gas company and I am studying my MBA part time sponsored by my company. This guy also works in the same company and he is also studying with me in this MBA and this is how we met. We met in June 2013 when we started studying, we at first were only friends and had fun together and I enjoyed our relation as it was. But later he started moving it to next levels, he expressed his love. He bombarded me with his feelings and I loved how he loved me. He in fact made me fly in the sky with his love. He explained that he was married and had 3 kids and that he was having problems with his wife and might come to an end. little by little i started having feelings for him and felt I am falling in love, he was my day and night. I was his day and night, if we didn't talk on the phone we texted all day long on whatsapp. then he proposed to me and said that he wants to marry me. this was towards the end of Aug. He actually proposed 4 times, he started asking me how many kids I want, Where I want to go to the honeymoon...etc. Then he told me that he told his wife that he wants divorce. His mom objected and troubles started happening in the family. It was then that I felt that he started pulling away. of course i had no proof that this was all true except his words. one day he told me that he got transferred to Yanbu, a city that is very far away from where we live and he started asking me questions on what are we going to do? I told him that if he is going to be commuting then there is no problem. He started talking like this is taking this as an excuse. He kept telling me everyday that he is trying with his mom to accept our marriage, then he said that he decided to bypass her and move forward and come meet my parents. He told me to talk to my parents. I asked him when shall i do that? He said anytime u want. So when i talked to my parents, they said let him come we meet him and we take it from there. My dad suggested the next Friday. When i told him this over whatsapp, he only sent me happy faces, then did not reply to the suggested date. I waited two days but he never replied, i came up with an excuse to my parents till i figure out what's wrong with him. I called him and he had no good reason. All what he said was that his transfer mixed up things for him and that he still wants me and that he was surprised with assigning a date from our side and it was a big step in the muddle of a crisis that he is having!! He means of course the transfer.
I had a big fight with him, that he shouldn't have asked me to involve my family if this was his position, he said that i shouldn't be upset cuz now i did the right thing, i told my family. So even my family should not be upset. In our traditions it is not acceptable that a girl knows a man before marriage.
Anyway since then he continued to pull away, at the same time continued telling me from time to time that he still feels the same towards me and he doesn't want this to be the end.
I believed him and started acting as usual, i check on him, get him his favourite candy but he ignored that and kept pulling away and not contact me for a whole day. Then he went to Yanbu, i wished all the best, XXXXX XXXXX this was the end esprcially that he told me that his wife was back to thier house!
When he was in Yanbu, he started trying to have contact with me again. My interpretation was that he was bored in Yanbu alone and wants someone to keep him company. In this case who is better than me cuz he knows i loved him. I did not answer him and when we met the week after in class, he acted like he is upset and did not talk to me at all. His friend told me that these r games that they pull on women. His friend also told me that he is sure that he will never come to meet my parents and he was lying and carried it to the extreme which he shouldn't. He told me if u want just don't tslk to him and see what would he do. Or u can confront him and see what would he say.
I couldn't wait, so i confronted him , or at least tried on whatsapp. He kept beating around the bush and never answered a single question. He insisted we talk on the phone. When we talked on the phone, at first, we greeted each other and cut some jokes, then when we started talking about serious stuff, he hung up the phone! I waited and called. To continue
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your instincts were correct. It seems from your description that this man was trying to have a relationship with you that was one sided. That is, he was in it for the thrill and distraction. In other words, he was in the relationship for himself and not for you like he should have been. He mislead you and lied to you. It is no wonder you feel as you do.

It was good that you asked him direct questions. His evasiveness told you a lot about him. He seemed to feel that he could tell you anything he wanted and did not consider your feelings. That kind of behavior says he could be Narcissistic or another type of personality disorder. If so, he is going to lack insight and put himself first in any relationship.

In order to help him to understand that you are happy without him and that you have moved on, you need to take a few steps. One, try to stop connecting with him. If he cannot communicate with you in order to manipulate you, then he has no way to get what he wants, which is to have you love and admire him while he treats you badly. If you end the relationship, that stops his ability to hurt you. Second, start to develop your life outside of this relationship. Do what you can to make new friends and be open to new relationships. The best way to help someone understand that you have moved on is to actually stop the relationship and move forward. If he sees that you no longer buy into his lies and deception, that will send a strong message to him that he can no longer manipulate you and that you feel you are better off without him.

If he would try to contact you, end the conversation immediately. Hang up or delete his message. It may be difficult because this man made you feel like you were in a perfect relationship. But keep in mind, it was all built on his deception and misleading. If you can help yourself to remember that, you can move on.

If you find that you are still struggling to break away, try short term therapy. You can use the support to help you find ways to cope with your feelings and to work through the end of the relationship. Also, try focusing on how much better you will feel once you are in a new relationship with someone who respects you and treats you well. That can help you move on as well.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you, Mays. If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate






May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Hello Kate,
Thanks a lot for ur answer, it is very helpful. My only concern now is how I behave around him in class and the study group ? I don't want to show negative feelings or bitter feelings. I want to act mornal.. How can I achieve this level, i want to be able to see him and laugh from the bottom of my heart, not have my heart hurt.

Appreciate ur help.
Mays
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
You're welcome, Mays! I am happy to help.

When you are around him in study group and class, try to treat him like you would treat anyone else, except do not talk to him in private. If he tries to talk to you alone, tell him that you prefer to be with others and leave.

Psychologically, it can be hard to shut your feelings off for someone, especially when they were strong. It helps a lot if you remind yourself of some key points:

He was in the relationship for himself, so you don't owe him anything other than the courtesy that you would extend to anyone else.

Take a deep breath when you are around him and focus on someone else. You may still be aware of him, but this will pass in time.

Write down all the things he did that you felt were unfair to you. This is not to remain bitter or upset, but to help you let go of any reminding romantic feelings you have for him and why you want to stay away from him.

Take along something that helps distract you, such as something tactile you can keep in your pocket. When you feel your emotions welling up when you are near him, touch this object. A marble, small stuffed animal or even a piece of soft cloth can help you.

When you feel overwhelmed, try talking to someone else. Distract yourself. You can even leave the room until you can calm your thoughts.

Keep in mind, what you feel will pass, especially if you focus on the future and developing new relationships.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
Thank you so much for the positive rating and very generous bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you,
Kate
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Hello kate,


Please don't thank me, you cannot imagine how helpful your advices are. you are helping me find my way to healing.


My feelings are swinging between the desire to revenge and see him suffer just like he made me suffer and between raising above these feelings. Do you have an advice on how can I shift my thinking from him to only think about myself and my healing regardless of his presence or what he did.


Cannot help the sad feeling and the anger! His friend is checking on me while he uses me.


Appreciate your time and effort.


Regards,


Mays

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
Mays,

You are very welcome! And thank you for your kind words :)

If you want to work on shifting your thinking from him to yourself, there are two ways to do that. First, you can take action to shift your focus. Do anything you can think of to help yourself feel better. Treat yourself to something special every day. This can be food, spa treatments, time out with friends, etc. Whatever you think makes you feel special. If you find you are thinking of him, distract yourself. You can even make a list of things you can do instead, anything action oriented.

The second thing you can do is change your thinking. Try positive affirmations about who you are. "I am special because...." kind of statements. Also, keep that list we talked about handy regarding the reasons why you feel hurt by him. Remind yourself how you do not deserve that kind of treatment. Read books and other resources about empowerment and positive thinking. Self esteem resources can also help you. Anything that raises your self worth and separates you from his treatment of you.

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Hello Kate,


Thank you so much.


I think I made a mistake today. I will tell you and help me assess this and correct it if possible.


Today we received an email as a group to nominate one of us to have a meeting with the director regarding feedback for our MBA program. Anyway, I am the one who is representing our group. The members of the team sent me their comments except him. But when I arrived home, I received a text msg on whatsapp from him saying that he wants to talk to me on the phone in order to give me his concerns regarding the meeting. I replied to him that he can sent it to me on the email or contact me on my office number tomorrow. He replied that he doesn't have time to write cuz he is very busy at work, but he will call me on my office number tomorrow. after that I felt that he again is doing what he wants. I let him do that. I think I made a mistake by giving him the chance to call me on the office. But my idea was since this was work related only, this might be my chance to train myself to deal with him for work only. But I honestly don't feel like talking to him especially after what he did the last time we talked when he hung up once we started talkking about serious stuff and gave a lame excuse.


What do you think? I am thinking that if he calls, I will not answer his phone then tell him I was busy and ask him to email me his comments just like the others.


I feel I am really stupid and that he keeps manipulating me. Although I was sure I was doing the right thing when I replied to him, but then I regretted big time.


please let me know if I am correct or not.


 


Regards,


Maysar

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Or you can start a new question page since this is a new/different question than your original one. Let me know what works for you. Thanks!

Kate
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Of course Kate, we will consider it new, I will re submit as a new question, no worries at all and will rate the previous one if I still have the option to rate.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
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