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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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ive been married to my wife for seven years, wea re a blended

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ive been married to my wife for seven years, wea re a blended family, we where raised very differently, I come from a stern family where my mother rarely showed affection and she comes from one where nonone is every really accountable and everything is always forgiven with out consiquences. FOr me, I was taught that it requires action to see results with out so much of that "it's ok, you'll do better next time" attitude she grew up with. I want to solve problems, not sweep them under a rug, her idea of kids bringing home bad report cards is a hug and a you can do better, Ive always grounded my kids and given them something to earn back when they have not performed well. Im always being criticized for trying to take over projects around the house when in my heart, I'm merely offering advice, Ive been accused of being controlling, when from my point of view I see her as some one who avoids responsibility. Ive always by default been in control of the fiances and when I've offered budget options for the family, the notion is rejected. I love her deeply, it is hard form me to say it because I was not raised in a household that ever showed affection, I know that at times I am distant, but my level of responsibility keeps me in a constant state of worry. I worry tha she wil angered if she cant spend money, I worry that out goal of buying a home will not be met with out her help. I have been like a father to her kids for ten years, and now she has moved out and against my advise, buying a house when we have only been apart a month, i tell her that I fear she will end up destitute. I have thought maybe she needs to spend this time learning what kind of stress all of this has puton me, but with a divorse in a few days, all though these things are tough, I don't want to see her go, I care so deeply it is all I think about, getting her back in my life.
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 12 months ago.
Hello. You are experiencing what a lot of couples do and although you have tried compromises, that ultimately is where the solution lies. I'm not sure at this time that you can get any of these things back if she has already moved out and a divorce is in progress. It may be too little, too late. At this point, your opinion to her is still important if she says you are not being supportive, but in a different way than if you were married. All of the issues you mention are obviously the reason for divorce, as you were not able to find common ground with your goals. This is both of your fault, not just hers or yours. One or both of you were not willing to bend on some things which is what got you where you are.
At this point, I would ask you what your goals are now that the divorce is in progress. Are you trying to stop the divorce and to reconcile? If so, you need to find out if this is her goal as well. Before you can proceed with any type of plan of action, you need to determine what you both want. I would suggest that you do drop your stance on her house buying, even if you are right and you support her in her actions, even if it leads to a lesson. Sometimes we need to swallow our own pride and do this, even though you are stern in your convictions. We all have offered support to someone who we don't agree with, just to be a friend to someone.
You also should tell her how you feel about her, no matter how difficult it is to do so. While your upbringing makes you who you are and you are hard wired to be that way, not expressing your love to her hurts her deeply and I guarantee you has caused more issues than probably anything else in your marriage. Tell her how you feel.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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