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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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My boyfriend broke up with me on Wednesday which was three

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My boyfriend broke up with me on Wednesday which was three days ago and I have never been more heartbroken and depressed in my life.. We would have been together for 1 year and 3 months yesterday... I met him in April of 2012 and when we started to date in June our relationship has pretty much been a two hour long distance relationship since at that time he was starting college and I was starting my senior year of high school... I have to say that the first 3 or 4 months of the relationship he was the greatest guy in the earth because I felt loved and very secure, but as time went on I felt as if he started to forget about me so our relationship turned into an on and off type of thing . We've broken up about 4 or 5 times but even though we were broken up we still talked to each other everyday so it was kind of a known fact that we couldn't be without each other ...... But since our recent break up it's been different. I tried talking to him but he just won't talk to me and I felt that since he broke up with me and I tried fighting for him already then he can talk to me if he truly loves me.. but he hasn't and it's just hurting me more and more.. He told me that he just needed some space for a bit which is why he broke it off and also because we've been fighting a lot lately.. but what I don't get is why he would need space when he never calls to talk to me, we never video chat, we hardly see each other because we're two hours away, since I now go to a community college at home and he's still at his university, and most of all he hardly ever texts me anymore so it's like we never talk. So what space?! Is he just using that as an excuse to break up with me? Did he completely lose feelings? Is there someone else? What do I do? ):

Another thing ... Since he's been off to college and we've had a long distance relationship the entire time he kinda felt as if he didn't have to put in much effort anymore so that's the main thing we fought about ... He's honestly turned into a completely jerk and doesn't really treat me the way I'm supposed to be treated. I do all these nice things for him but he doesn't do anything for me, literally nothing. It's like I'm happy with him but then I'm not and I wanna get back with him because I love him oh so much and the reason why I'm still holding onto him is because I have some kind of hope that he'll change back to the way he used to be when we first started dating ... And even though it's long distance, when we're together everything is perfectly fine but when we're apart everything falls downhill ... I want him back but is he just something that I want and don't need anymore or is he someone I should continue fighting for? ):
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 11 months ago.

Jean :

Hello, I will be assisting you with your question. Welcome!

Jean :

Are you interested in a live chat?

Jean :

I'm sorry for your sadness and breakup of your relationship

Jean :

You've known each other and been together long enough for this to really hurt. This sort of loss can feel like a "death", in a sense- the grief.

Jean :

This may have started when he left for college- the long distance relationship is difficult.

Customer:

Yeah. I've tried to keep myself busy to keep my mind off of him but I can't... mainly because he hasn't talked to me at all. I wanna talk to him but since he said he wanted space I don't wanna be a bother and push him away even more ): I don't know what to do.

Jean :

It sounds like this has thrown you off- surprised by the breakup?

Jean :

Once you type, hit reply and I will get your comments

Jean :

It shows you typing, but I'm not getting your response

Customer:

I'm actually really surprised with the break up ... Especially because a couple days before he told me he wouldn't leave me and we'd work on fixing things but then out of no where he just broke it off

Jean :

That can make this even more difficult when you are confused, struggle to make sense out of this.

Jean :

It must be hard for you right now- did you say you just started college?

Customer:

Yes. I started my first year at a community college in august and he goes to a university which is two hours away.

Jean :

It does sound like he drifted away, especially when he went off to college. His behavior is communicating something- and whatever that is- it hurts you.

Jean :

He is being insensitive not being more direct with you- "space", or is he wanting to go in a different direction?

Jean :

His behavior sounds like he is breaking away from you.

Jean :

Rather than treat you poorly, to push you away, you deserve more of an explanation. You must have lots of questions.

Customer:

Well when he broke up with me it was through a text and pretty much he said I give so much and he's not ready to give that much to a person right now and he wants to be on his own, just doing him and he wants the stress and anxiety to go.

Jean :

We should not have to "fight for" or force a relationship. Sounds like the relationship became more one sided, you doing the "giving".

Jean :

I'm sorry, this is really painful.

Jean :

Sadly, relationships can drastically change, without much of a warning.

Jean :

Is he contacting you at all?

Customer:

Well he broke up with me on wednesday and I couldn't sleep at all so I sent him a long text and he replied the next morning but that conversation only lasted a couple minutes and I havent talked to him since... I told him I didn't wanna completely lose him and he said I wont but I said I already did and he didn't reply

Customer:

I kinda feel as if he lost feelings ... ):

Customer:

But I just don't know how because in my opinion I've been treating him good, I've just been upset over the fact that he doesn't put in effort like he should...

Jean :

It is something you want, but do not need to be hurt by someone who is not giving you what you deserve- to be treated like a "queen" :) Coward- doing it via a text!! That stinks! I'm sorry it does sound like he's lost some of those feelings. The least you could of done was talk to you in person.

Jean :

When a relationship becomes more one sided- one person giving, but not receiving, it becomes a pursue, and he tends to run. The more you give, the more he pulls away.

Jean :

Putting in effort in a relationship tells us the person is wanting a relationship to continue- for sure! It's also disrespectful that he did not talk to you in person.

Customer:

Well I was supposed to go up and see him for the weekend yesterday for our 1 year and 3 month anniversary but since we broke up we havnt had the chance to see each other... I think he wanted to break it off as soon as possible

Customer:

I don't know if I should text him to try and fix things or just move on ? but it's hard to just drop someone that I've created so much memories with and someone I've been with for so long ... Another reason why I'm confused as to why he would just lose feelings because we've been through a lot and we've been together for so long

Jean :

It sounds like initially he did put in more effort, but that has since changed since he left for college. Do you worry he's seeing someone else, met someone new? Ouch, so actually he would have had the opportunity to do this in person. Over a year, that is really painful to consider the end to your relationship.

Jean :

Sadly, unplanned-feelings can change.

Jean :

It's hard to make sense out of this, I'm sure, especially when you consider what you have shared, and the time together.

Jean :

You may want to ask him if there is a chance, or should you move on? At this point do you have anything more to lose? Finding out where he stands, clearly stands, can help you to work towards moving on. It hurts so much, of course!!

Customer:

Yeah, I've been wanting to ask him if he's found someone else or if he's just lost feelings but since he wanted space I feel like I'd be bothering him ): or

Jean :

As much as this hurts, and as strongly as you feel, and that strong pull to get him back, it may be time to "move on"- not easy- it is like someone dying. The sadness, confusion, anger. the why, what if? All of that is normal to losing someone. It does sound like he wants "space", doesn't sound like he intends to reunite- again I am sorry for that.

Jean :

Another thought would be to not contact him at all for a couple weeks or so, and than text or call and see what he sounds like then.

Customer:

I'm just hoping he'd talk to me within the next few days... Before the break up he told me he'd be coming home for the weekend on the 27th so I don't know if he's still gonna do that and if he does I don't know if he'll even wanna talk or see me

Jean :

Him not pursuing you or contacting you equals not putting in the effort. In order for a relationship to have a chance it has to be more equal- each putting in the time and effort. How are you doing with this right now?

Jean :

It must be hard to think of anything else- like homework!!

Customer:

It's all so depressing and really stressful. It hurts a lot, A LOT and I can't help but just be an emotional bum wherever I go and all I wanna do is just cry

Customer:

and him acting like he doesn't care at all doesn't make me feel any better

Jean :

The only true healing of something like this is time- it does ease up, hurts less over time. Maybe getting out with friends more, meeting some new people. It's okay, you are entitled to feel and act like an "emotional bum"- it hurts your whole self!!

Jean :

Yes, it hurts even more knowing he's being sort of "heart less".

Jean :

You will be really occupied with this- trying to make sense out of something that makes zero sense- can make you feel "crazy".

Customer:

Well ... another thing... sounds pretty bad but ever since I met him I kinda pushed all my friends away. He didn't like my best friend so my friendship with her kinda drifted away ... so he was like my best friend/boyfriend/everything and now that he's gone I have no one. literally no one

Customer:

kinda the reason why I came on to this website because I have no one else to go to

Jean :

Yes, you must feel very alone:( You also may feel empty, and a bit numb too- dazed out.

Jean :

I'm glad you came here- you need support right now-

Jean :

This may mean calling some old friends and trying to reconnect- will feel uncomfortable at first.

Customer:

Well the only true friend I had other than him was my best friend but now that we're not friends anymore we kinda grew to not like each other anymore so I can't go to her.. and everyone else are just acquaintances

Jean :

No one you can think of real close- may have to be brave and venture out, initiate more relationships. You may see more opportunities if you are "looking", vs. such a focus on him.

Jean :

For now you feel sad, hurt, confused.... so many emotions- that's normal and okay- not the best feelings but it's natural to what is happening right now.

Jean :

Would it feel supportive to spend more time with your family? Sometimes family get comfort even if they do not know all the details.

Customer:

Well my dad doesn't really understand the whole thing of me being heartbroken and all he says is to just forget it... doesn't really help and my closest family members are off to college which are hours away

Jean :

Journal writing can help process and sort out all these feelings and thoughts. Screaming and thrashing can feel good too :)

Jean :

A dart board with his picture on it!! Humor can help a bit too.

Customer:

I think just having our old relationship would help a whole lot too ... haha . I miss him a lot but I don't even know what to do. I know he's no good but I just want him back

Jean :

He's really hurt you, and has not had the dignity to talk to you more about this- sort of keeps you hanging without enough information.

Jean :

Of course you want him back, can feel like desperation, because every part of you wants to be with him.

Customer:

Exactly

Jean :

You do not want to have to feel like this- it's natural to want relief, and right now that's him!!

Customer:

I feel like if he just answered all my questions that I have then I would feel so much better ... but again I'm afraid that I'm gonna be a bother since he said he wants space .

Jean :

The more he pulls away, the more you want to be with him- that's how these things work- and that's what hurts so very much. The least he can do is answer questions- but I know what you mean- may be better not to "bother him"- but then you are left feeling very bothered- and he's off with his "space"- not seeming to feel sad.

Customer:

If he doesn't talk to me should I just wait for the weekend that he comes home to try to talk to him?

Jean :

This does not make sense, that's why it is hard to "make sense of". Yes, I think that's a good idea- allow him to contact you, and if you do not hear from him- try to talk to him when he's home.

Jean :

That time may feel like an eternity- so much of you wants to talk to him, see him, be with him...

Customer:

Yeah ... I got so used to talking to him every single day for the past year and three months and now that we're not talking my day just goes by so much slower ):

Jean :

You have to be really strong- pull out your inner "warrior", be brave, realize it is not the end of the world, and no matter what happens there are good things ahead for you.

Jean :

That sense of loss, loneliness, again that's loss and grief-

Jean :

What you are feeling is normal for what is happening- and not knowing...

Jean :

Left alone to figure this out by yourself, when he's half of this- feel abandoned!!

Customer:

As bad and as selfish as this sounds I really hope he does feel somewhat sad and hurt like I am ... ):

Customer:

I feel like he hasnt thought everything through and he made a wrong choice when all he had to do was put in effort

Jean :

Yes, I can understand you want him to feel some of what you feel- angry too! It's not bad or selfish- it's natural to feel that way. Whatever you feel is not right or wrong- it just is.

Jean :

He may need that "space" to realize he does miss you.

Jean :

You not contacting him may get him "thinking" and wondering.

Customer:

That's what I'm hoping

Jean :

The best right now may be to not contact him as blazing difficult as that is!

Jean :

I do hope things work out the way you hope. None of us can predict the future- it's wait and see.

Jean :

I do need to run, I'm really glad you posted. Would you be so kind to rate my answer so I can get credit- much appreciated!! Let me know if I can help again. You can ask for me specifically "for Jean" with your question .

Customer:

ok thanks !

Jean :

You are welcome- take care!!

Expert:  Jean replied 11 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Jean replied 11 months ago.
Please continue to ask questions, until you are satisfied, verses giving me a poor rating. That reflects negatively on me. If you are unhappy with the service, you may consider talking to customer service for a refund. I truly was only trying to help you, and offer you the best service. If you read through the thread we spent a lot of time chatting, and I did my best to answer your questions. Please continue to ask questions, and or change the poor service to something more favorable.

Thank you,
Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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