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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Ok. So I have been seeing this woman I met who is 10 years

Resolved Question:

Ok. So I have been seeing this woman I met who is 10 years older then me in February Of this year. At the time we first met she had a boyfriend and frequently discussed how she wanted to break up with him. She told me she liked me and was attracted to me but has never been with a girl. But she could possibly see a relationship with us. After they broke up around April or may We were still talking about a possibly relationship. She met a guy who she told me was her friend but later found out when I met him and asked how they met he wasn't not aloud to answer the question. When I confronted her she told me she met him online and didn't wanna tell me bc she didn't want to upset me. I told her I was not ok with her talking to other people and if that's what she wanted to do I need to leave. She stopped talking to him but I never trusted her so I would go thru her phone on occasion and months later I found out she's been talking to other people this whole time. When I found out I told her I was done and that she needed to figure out what she wanted. A day later she came back and told me she did not want to be with a girl it's to scary complicated and confusing. And scared how it may affect her children. She told me she had feelings from a older flame who I knew about but did not know they were talking until she told me they were. We took some time to separate about two weeks and over that time she meet a single dad that she was attracted to but he was dull and not interesting. She also told me her and her old flame had sex but he is the same person he was before. We have a fight the one weekend and she didn't not talk or respond to me for three days and the first message I receive from her was a naked photo saying she was drunk and bored. We have never had sex due to me not wanting to risk getting hurt or used btw. She was telling me how much she missed me and my energy and talking about how much time we spent together and things that reminded her of me. And apparently it's been pointed out by the single dad how much she talks about me.she then comes to my job the next day for a work meeting where she hates the food there and made up some excuse why she couldn't go anywhere else. We barely talked bc I didn't wanna serve her. The next day she invites me over and we talk and told me she was glad I was there. And we kiss, talk about if we wanna have sex which we both do but aren't ready and asked me to stay the night she also told me she could be honest now.She was talking like she wanted me back but then the next day she was saying she didn't want a relationship. She only seems to contact me when she wants something and for the last two weeks has been hardly acknowledging me and has be unresponsive to my text. She works full time and says she has no time to talk about deep stuff but when she does have time she avoids conversations. She doesn't even reply to basic conversations anymore. She told me she cares about me but doesn't show it then she will she she doesn't feel the same way I do. so I'm basically confused to what's going on and what to do. I don't want to be taken advantage anymore but don't understand what she wants either . Idk if she's confused and really scared or just really playing me and keeping me along for the ride. I care about her and don't want to leave but I don't know what to do in this situation anymore bc I can't trust her after what she did. Just need some answers .
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat

Customer: Thank u for listening
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Everything you have described here shows a person who seems to be very emotionally unstable , insecure, not honest towards you, and as you said, who seems to use you and the relationship in order to feel better without really respecting,neither being caring about your feelings

Customer: She is unstable. idk what to do
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You were very honest and direct, patient and empathic, respecting her boundaries and being supportive, while she did not offer the same

Customer: Everything is about her
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

First you need to take good care of yourself by setting healthy boundaries, inr oder for you not to allow this person to disrespect , use or abuse you, since being this dishonest is unacceptable and hiurtful

Customer: Is it possible she could be confused and scared about being with a girl?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Very selfish and uncaring of how her actions with her lack of honesty and accountability hurt you, even more when you offer your affection, understanding and trust

Customer: Or is she just plain using me? She says she's not ready for sex or a relationship but want to have sex.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She told you that, and that could make perfect sense and uses to be a real challenge for most people in her shoes, but that would never and should never justify the pattern of dishonesty and manipulation she has been showing here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She has not been depressed and isolating herself out of fear and confusion but actively engaging in sharing and even having sex with this man , besides of her not being a teenager but an adult woman who knows what she's doing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say that everything points at her being selfish here and using you, to the point of being abusive too since not being honest and having these other romantic and sexual relaitonship while fueling expectations in you

Customer: So I should leave the situation even tho she may be scared n confused
Customer: And if she doesn't make an effort to change
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think so, since your first need, right and responsibility is to take good care of yourself, and not to expose yourself to being used , abused or neglected by anybody under any circumstance. I do not believe she is this vulnerable person she says she is, otherwise she would not be actively engaging in these other relationships while being dishonest towards you. I do not think she is naive and scared but very immature and manipulative.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She uses words and feelings to create this image and climate of insecurity and confusion, while her actions shows she is not even honest nor respectful, beside of showing inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for her choices and actions about you

Customer: What's the best way to end this. I've been used and abused several times idk how to handle it or end it
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When it becomes obvious that the other person is not a healthy presence in your life, it would not be wise to keep pushing yourself to make something work when there are not the necessary ingredients for a healthy and fulfilling relationship to be built. This is why in this case I believe it's much better just to move away from this person without allowing her to use or manipulate you any more. You could just send her a message letting her know that you have decided to take good care of yourself and chose not to keep in touch with her. Telling her not to contact you any more, for her to respect your decision. Then everything would be about you taking consistent action.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sticking to it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would erase contact numbers-id, phone , FB and at any other social networking, block email address / numbers and do commit not to self-sabotage.

Customer: When I did that she came to my job and was trying to get me back with naked pictures and saying how much she missed me. I'm just scared if I walk away ill never know if things will change
Customer: I guess I'm just not ready
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please read about codependency, take notes, and implement every good insight you get from it. In case you find it too tough or overwhelming, then please consider individual psychotherapy or counseling as the best sources of professional support for you to work on yourself, on making positive and necessary changes, to heal and grow from painful experiences, even more from situations where abuse and neglect have been so present.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe she will do the same, and try her best to perpetuate things, to get you back

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

and this is why you need to make a real commitment with yourself not to expose to her manipulation-abuse any longer, this is why you need to actively work on yourself, on eradicating the codependency and getting all the healthy support you could get from assertive people in your life and ideally from psychotherapy/counseling.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Joining a support group for codependency could be one of the best ways to work on yourself, to reduce your chances for relapse, to rehabilitate from codependency and to complement the benefits of individual therapy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Just work on becoming very mindful about your core needs, expectations, so of your actions allowing you to build the reality that you long for and deserve, and to effectively cope setting boundaries and limits as necessary, for you not to expose to similar scenarios where you could be used, abused or manipulated by people.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Yes very much so
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good

Customer: Thank u for ur advice and support
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer: I will thanks
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perfect! Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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