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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Here is my issue, My ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago.

Resolved Question:

Here is my issue,
My ex and I broke up about 2 weeks ago. I was borrowing his phone and I got curious. He has a bad habit about getting online to these online dating/ sex sites and contacting people through them. I've known this about him for a while and I've been very understanding about it. But anyway, I was nosy and found an inappropriate text to one of his online girls. I have never went through his phone before. But I was honest with him when I confronted him. He said he was tired of a serious relationship and we split. We have split twice before but always got back together. Anyway so he told me that I was clingy and I needed to make friends of my own so I took the weekend to go out of town to visit some friends . While I was there, he contacted me and said how much he missed me that he had messed up and it was too late to fix it and that I was happy with out him. I played it cool for a while but then eventually I told him I missed him as well and we could talk more when I got back from out of tone which was the next day. I arrived back and tried to contact him as he asked and he was ignoring me and wouldn't let me know if he still wanted to talk. So in a desperate act I asked him to come outside of his house so we could speak. After all he is the one who had an idea. The conversation went horrible ending with him saying he will never let me know when he missed me again and other obscene remarks. He texted me when I was leaving saying he will never forget the way I acted. And I apologized thoroughly for it . He ended the conversation by saying he had to go but it wouldn't be the last time we spoke . I haven't contacted him since not had he contacted me. We have split up before and got back together . Is there still hope that he will come back to me? Is there anything I can do to improve the likely hood of him coming back? Or did I screw up too bad to have any hope for a future between us?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this painful and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please etll me for how long were you dating and for how long he has been into online dating and sex websites?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you tell me more about your situation answering previous questions for me to better understand it?

Customer: We have been together for 2 years . He has always struggled with the online world. He has been better for the past two months or so about it. I want him back so badly. Is there anything I can do to salvage it?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your story I think your chances to get back together are very high, since under similar circumstances you did get back. But my concern is exactly that no matter how dysfunctional the relationship could get you end feeling guilty, begging him and continuing the same circle over again.

Customer: Do you think he will contact me again? If so, when? And will he want me back? Is there anything I can do to help myself back into his arms again?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you described about his behaviors shows what seems to be sex and love addiction, to porn and the internet. It is very alarming how this break up happened because you confronted his behavior around his "online girls" and addiction, but at the end you ended up feeling guilty and begging him to come back, like if you were the one who was insensitive, disloyal and abusive instead of him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, I think he will, and taking into account your behavior, he would feel more confident and empowered to perpetuate his patterns and would get even worse. Sadly it seems your priority is to be back with him regardless of how much neglect, abuse, betrayal and manipulation get present in your relationship.

Customer: I'm not worried about that. I know what his issues are. I want to know if I messed up too bad for him to even want to come back to me by going to his house to talk. Will he contact me again? Or is he done with me for good?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do think he will contact you, and is using this time just to fuel your feelings of guilt and desperation even more, for him to have more power and control over you.

Customer: Do you think he will want a relationship with me again?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you want him back no matter what, keep doing the same thing, do not push him but please him, and he would be back for sure.

Customer: Is there anything I can do besides not contacting him?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, of course, as long as you keep doing what he wants you to do, he would not want to let you go.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Again if your goal is to do anything possible to have him back no matter what, just focus on pleasing him, not pushing him, giving him the unconditional freedom he wants and he would come back for sure.

Customer: I know there is no certain way for you to know , but how long do you thing i
Customer: I know there is no certain way for you to know but how long do you this
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

How long did it take for him to contact you in past episodes when you broke up?

Customer: do you think it will be until he contacts me again* sorry the buttons on my phone are hard to navigate
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think he would keep it this way in order to fuel your feelings of guilt, so to have more control over you, and would take a period of time similar like in past episodes, but there is no way to know for sure.

Customer: The first time about a week. The second time I insisted that we got back together which took about 2 days. It was a week when we split this time when he contacted me but the end results were not the same. We haven't spoke since Monday currently
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This time he already looked for you after a day you left to be with these friends.

Customer: Does that mean he will not try again?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once he calms down and see that you are still feeling the way you feel and wanting him to come back no matter what, he would come back to you I think.

Customer: I hope so. I am not letting him know how I feel. I haven't spoke to him in days.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think he will unless you go to him first and continue to ask him for another chance.

Customer: How long should I wait for him to contact me?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He has been fine with it for these past two years as long as you do not interfere with his life and other relationships.then I believe he would not let you go that easily. Choose the period of time you think would better work for him to know you want him back and are willing to please him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since you have chosen too get him back regardless the consequences you already know, then do what you know would please him the most, and that would increase your chances to have him back sooner.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would say that if after a week he has not contacted you, you would have to take the initiative and contact him and let him know how you feel and what you want and hope.

Customer: Do you think the odds are in favor for him to take me back even though he has said it is not what he wants?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes I do think so, the worse you feel about it, the better for him, since he would feel empowered and more in control, and he would not let you go that easily knowing that he has got more power int he relationship.

Customer: When he contacted me the first time he made a point to tell me he is not interested and hasn't been with any other girls then I replied by saying that wasn't my business and I wasn't going to pry in his private life. Then he told me to be honest about the men I was with while we were apart which were none and then he said he rather be hurt now than feel stupid later. Why do you think he said this?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Seems he fears you may have been with other men when you were not dating and wants confirmation that you would continue allowing him do have total freedom to do as he pleases, not interfering at all.

Customer: Are there any tactics I can use to get him back sooner? I'm scared he is happy without me and will move on.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think by you doing what I just said, namely not pushing him, respecting his boundaries, pleasing him and then showing him how much you want him back would be the best way for you to get him back. Pushing him to get back sooner than what he wants and plans would not help. Again , this is exclusively considering that your only goal is to have him back and not about how healthy or not it would be for you to do so.

Customer: Do you think he will ask for me back on his own?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think so as long as he thinks you would be willing to play the same role like in the past, not interfering with his private life and pleasing him as much as he wants.

Customer: Another thing I forgot was when we broke up a couple days after he called me several times and said that I was in his friends yard and to leave him alone. I was not in the yard however . He ended the conversation by sending me a message that said he could never speak to me again cause it upset him too much. But then that weekend he started to contact me while I was out of town. What made him change his mind that time if he was sure we would not speak again?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The concrete previous history you have, he knows what he can get from you, and I do not think he would willingly let you go that easily if he knows he could keep you the same or even with more power than before.

Customer: I just hope that he will come back. I wish someone could assure me of it. Or give me a time frame of how long I have to wait. I know that can't be done, but is there any advice on what I can do to make him miss me and want me ?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would not push him, do not wait more than a week to contact him in case he does not contact you before, and directly tell him how much you want and need him back, that you would respect his privacy and do your best for your relationship to work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once you do that, do not keep calling or messaging him but wait until he gets back to you.

Customer: I just feel hopeless. I feel like a
Customer: all is lost.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know how tough and painful it's been for you, but again, I can tell you with confidence that based on what you shared here, the chances you appear to have to get back in the relationship are very high as long as you take into account what I mentioned before. Please look for all the support you can get from close friends and family, for you to be able to better cope with this tough situation.

Customer: If I have further questions will this chat be available to me?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it will, you just need to make sure you direct your questions to me, in that way I will know an d will reply ASAP. I am here to support you.

Customer: How can I do that ?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

the same way as you posted this question today, but include my name in ti like saying: For Rafael or I want Rafael to answer it.

Customer: Are there any other things you need to know so you can give me the best advice possible?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am willing to follow up , in that way we would know how this situation evolves an d make adjustments in order to promote the best possible urtcomes.

Customer: Thank you so much. I will be back to this chat as things develop so I can get more advice. But you think that it is very likely that he will come back in his own if I continue not to contact him?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you do not push him, but show you care and want him back and are willing to do your best, XXXXX XXXXX believe he would come back. If he does not contact you in a wee time, take the initiative as previously explained, to promote the reconciliation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust and please do not forget to rate support before you leave the chat.

Customer: Ok thank you. I hope it works out as you have explained.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you and hope thins evolve as you want.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now.

Customer: I have another question.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, what's your other question?

Customer: He told me in the gear of the moment when we first broke up that he wouldn't come back to me again just because he was " comfortable" do you think he really meant that or do you think he was serious?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think he is a very manipulative person, with serious mental health and personality problems, including the addictions you mentioned. Thus anything coming from him would be distorted by all those serious issues, so continue to be manipulative, and it would not be healthy to trust him at all.

Customer: So do you still think there is a chance he will come back?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, as I explained before, many times people presenting these behavioral patterns and issues do as much as possible to perpetuate relationships, where they could keep fueling their ego and getting any form of benefit from the other person

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He hasn't called yet I'm getting nervous.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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