How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been married for 17years. These 17 years, i worked

Resolved Question:

I have been married for 17years.
These 17 years, i worked hard and provide for everything for my son and husband. But my husband take things for granted and never contribute a single cent to the household expenses.He only give his son daily pocket expenses and during school holiday he give his son nothing. He is a property agent and i do not know what are his daily activities likes except coming home to sleep. How much he earn and what he do i have no idea.
He will not communicate with me when i encourage him to do so and keep on taking things for granted.
He never play the role of a husband.We sleep in separate room for more than 10 years already. From what i know, whatever money in has in his pocket he gamble them away and once i caught him stealing, i threw a fit and throw him out of the house for 2 years but later i forgave him and accepted him back cause i do not want my son to go to school as a single parent kid.That happened 10 years ago.
But all these years when he's back he still behave the same till this day.
Now i am in my 60 as i gave birth to my son at the age of 44.
Now i am not working and these days he will go out early and come back only when i go into my own room to sleep. And now my son has grown up and also behave like his dad ignoring my feeling. They will not tell me whether thy coming back for dinner and at times when i finished cooking, they tell me that they are going out and not eating.
I feel very frustrated, lost and lonely and these problems have been existing for almost a year.
Both of them take me for granted and neglected my feeling. He loves his own immediate family members more than his wife and kid.
He continue to hurt me again and again that i find intolerable and now contemplating divorce since i am in a loveless marriage. I find that when there is a communication breakdown, the marriage cannot proceed further.
I prayed and even get pastors to talk to him but he refused.
He prefer to live a carefree life with no string attached.
Appreciate your advice as i am at my wit end.


He has neglected my feeling and now my son has
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 9 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I ma very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly sad and frustrating reality

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

One that you have been undergoing for so long

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily everything you have described in your story shows how this marriage was dysfunctional from the very beginning, once it was not based on mutual respect, caring, understanding, affection and support; but a relationship where your husband has been literally using, abusing and neglecting you and your son, who was a helpless victim of this much dysfunction which literally distorted his personality and ways of experiencing life.

Customer:

what should i do?

Customer:

I have a husband but yet doesn't play the role .

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very sad, but many times women in your shoes perpetuate destructive marriages because of having real love, concern and caring about their children, thinking they need to sacrifice for them to be fine, but reality shows that what happens is exactly the opposite, that children become the helpless victims from their parents' dysfunctional marital relationship, and their lives get deeply distorted by that, no matter how good intentions the other parent may have had. I do think you need to start respecting and taking good care of yourself, just as you needed and deserves to 17 years ago when found yourself into this painful situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If your husband in unable and unwilling to respect, understand, love and support you but abuses and neglects you at multiple levels, then I do not see how this situation could improve at all, it could only get worse with time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If what you want it to start building and enjoying a healthy and fulfilling life, you would need to face reality and get far away from him, and focus on your rehabilitation process and to make necessary changes for you to play healthier role in your son's life for him to have chances to rehabilitate himself, but that would depend on him and on the influence his father continues to play in his life.

Customer:

would u recommend that i file for separation first. i am holding back for quite some time as my son is sitting for his final year GCE O level and i do not want to distort his study but yet on the other hand is driving me crazy. i have problems sleeping and the inner hurt is affecting my health. Btw, during this one year while not working, i feel worst than working life. I caught my son stealing again and again and yet as a father, he does not know how to educate him and add the burden onto me to discipline him.. Not only i have to continue paying all the bills with no income but from saving, i still have to go through all these emotional stress.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would need to truly focus on your rehabilitation process with necessary professional individual psychotherapy, and ideally help from a support group too, in order to promote your best chances for rehabilitation. Codependency is a core issue-addiction that has been undermining your life for this long , playing a core role in this painful reality, and must be addressed with necessary support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can imagine your situation but only you know how painful it feels, most people in your shoes get severely depressed and develop anxiety disorders too, it's just overwhelming,and nobody needs nor deserve any of that at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, do not delay taking consistent assertive actions with necessary counseling and legal support, since what you report is already very serious and concerning also in your son's life, and he would not get better unless you start taking good care of yourself and end any form of enabling. Now there is nothing that would guaranty that your son would rehabilitate and grow from it, since he is already old enough and has a father who is also deeply into his dysfunctional and abusive life shaping the life of your son the same way.

Customer:

You are right. I am seeing the ugliness of my husband in my son now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you can get professional psychological support and sound legal advice, working on separation and hoping your son could at least have a better outcome academically, it would be reasonable and assertive, but please do take consistent actions and do not delay any longer this self-destructive and unhealthy reality.

Customer:

I have told myself that i will do that after my son O level exam. I just have to tolerate for a 2 months but is driving me crazy

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have literally enabled serious and chronic forms of abuse, from verbal, to emotional and financial. Please stop doing that, self-sabotaging and fueling more dysfunction and abuse-neglect. take good care of your savings since you will need them, do not waste it at all, since it would go against you , but even more important, your mental and emotional health and well-being coudl deteriorate even more and you do not want to afford bigger consequences.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Get immediate psychotherapy then and join a support group for codependency right away, so you would not keep waiting and delaying the start of your rehabilitation process even more.

Customer:

the last round when we were separated for 2 years, i went through very rough patch juggling between survival and bringing up my son. i am a staunt christian and i believe that my God will pull me through. The problem that is weighing me is also my marriage vow.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Get all the support you could get from healthy and caring, people around you, from family member to friends, since your support system needs to play an active role in this process. If you do not have a good support system, then part of your rehabilitation plan should be to work on building one.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

God gives us all total freedom to make our own choices, and God does never sentence/forces us to suffer, to perpetuate something destructive and painful under any circumstance, even more when it only creates and promote further destruction and suffering, otherwise God would not be God, but a very human like sadistic, selfish and mean being-god.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, you need to work on maturing your faith, your understanding of it, of yourself and life, reassessing and working on your core value and belief systems for them to be truly healthy, leading to a healthy and fulfilling life, and not to something this destructive, abusive and painful.

Customer:

thank you Rafael for your advice. That's why this morning i was searching the internet seeking help and this is the first time i am online voicing out my frustration. i have spoken to friends and bro and sis in christ but utimately i know the decision lies with me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I am glad to know this has been helpful. Please carefully reflect on it and then take consistent action to actually change your reality, taking full responsibility for it, since that would assure your healing and healthy life, and you playing a healthy role in your son's life too. Feel free to contact me here and if you want to consider confidential professional counseling online, I am willing to support you with it through s new program just created to support people online. Just let me no in case you want to try it and I will guide you on how to benefit from it with my support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the link in case you want to review it: https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164

Customer:

ok. Thank you so much. i feel better after voicing out . Is good to chat to a 3rd party who does not know both of us and give me all the answer i am thinking about. Sometimes friends and relative dare not to commit just in case of being partial.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network).

Right, I understand you and it makes perfect sense, but we all need to be assertive and try to support our loved ones, eradicating any codependency or other distortions that could only , reinforce, enable or promote and perpetuate damage and pain.

Customer:

ok. I understand. thank you so much and i am penning off now. should i need further advice i will connect with you again. Have a good day ahead. God bless.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you and have a good day too!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not forget to rate support before leaving the chat. Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency