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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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I currently have a a GF that is very old fashioned family

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I currently have a a GF that is very old fashioned family girl. She is very young 10 yrs exactly, she is very beautiful but just very 19. I know that will change eventually. We don't have many things in common she is more conservative I'm more liberal . I feel like if I don't get back with her she I will never find someone as good as her . I don't feel happy at the moment with her and in not sure if it will ever get better. We are on a break but eventually I know she will confront me and ask if she want to continue or break it off ? The world will tell me I'm a fool for not marrying her and I'm scared I will be alone forever. Should I get back with her and look for happiness or look for someone that is more like me at the risk that I won't find her???

Jean :

Hello, I am available to assist you with your question. Welcome!

Jean :

It's understandable that you want to put some deep thought into this- that's wise- taking a close look, not wanting to miss a possible "golden" opportunity.

Jean :

You mention some significant things that make you doubt the future of this relationship: not having much in common, being on two opposite ends of the spectrum- her conservative, you liberal, not liking her family, etc. These are major things that likely will not change over time, and do not add up to a great prognosis for a successful relationship.

Jean :

Most important I hear you saying you are not happy.

Jean :

Do you worry you are looking only at the faults, and are sabotaging a possible good thing?

Jean :

It's impressive that you are taking the time and putting a lot of thought into this- smart. If you were to do a pros and cons list of this it sounds like it weigh much more heavily into the cons. Her being young and "beautiful" is the "superficial" stuff. If the world tells you- you are a "fool", it would be based on an idea, an image vs. the really important stuff like core values.

Jean :

If after a separation and you've had time to consider all of this, and you continue to feel the same way, more of an indication that you may need to move on. "I won't find her?"- the "her" you may be looking for, at this time, does not sound like this girl. The qualities you describe are not likely to change, and can greatly hinder a relationship.

Jean :

Hello

Jean :

It's interesting that often times the thing that attracts us most to a person can also be the thing that does not work in a relationship. What initially attracted you to her?

Jean :

May I ask how long you've been together?

Customer:

10 months

Jean :

Thank you for joining the chat

Customer:

What attracted me is that she was tall and gorgeous i could tell she was attracted to me so I pursued it.

Customer:

Slept with her on the first day I asked her to be my gf.

Customer:

Then came the child like actions which are nit many she is very mature for her age, thats whats kept me here but she is 19 ! Not much knowledge but she has the brightest potential. I just dont know if I want to wait/

Customer:

?

Jean :

Of course- that initial physical attraction can draw you in- but it's not enough after time. Things moved quickly- like you said- may have missed a step- getting to know each other before the intimacy- working backwards is tough. When the intimacy comes so quickly- the mystery is gone!! Getting to know one another- that foundation is important.

Customer:

this is true

Customer:

Is that reason enough to give up ? 1/4 the time i think of her I'm convinced im going back

Jean :

"brightest potential"- like you said how long does a person wait?? On many levels you do not sound too "into" this girl. A relationship- a long lasting healthy relationship needs something much deeper to be sustained over time. That age difference will not change.

Jean :

Of course you can go back- giving it the "best" try is okay.

Jean :

You do not want to have to look back and regret- or think you did not give it the best chance.

Customer:

Im selfish to try and see.

Customer:

Thank you for your words

Jean :

Ten months is still a "young relationship"- but if you do not have that "loving feeling" hmmm not so sure you will- but again may be worth a try- 3/4 of you is not so sure about going back... Right you do not want to lead her on- hurt her.

Customer:

There is a loving feeling

Jean :

It's good to process this as you have tonight- continue to do that- maybe do a written pros and cons list. A loving feeling is a good start:)

Customer:

I will do pros and cons. thank you.

Jean :

Spending more time with you may help you sort this out. You are welcome!!

Jean :

Best wishes to you- matters of the heart are complicated!!

Customer:

TRUE!

Jean :

Let me know if I can help again-

Jean :

You can refer back to this conversation for future reference.

Jean :

Anything else I can assist you with tonight?

Customer:

We stopped talking last friday and I've been a mess but recovered quickly and considering asking her about building a friendship that step we missed. I am thinking about waiting I am liking this time that I have to build myself back up agin.

Jean :

That sounds like a good next step- having a conversation with her about "courting", starting over, in a sense.

Jean :

Taking time to think is wise- taking a look at yourself in all of this. Enjoy getting to know her- see what comes from the time together.

Customer:

Courting sounds good to me.

Jean :

Good and "old fashioned" :)

Customer:

The relationship is young like you say, its worth a shot I think. Not to selfish in sense because i think I owe her that much to be sure, no? I don't want to live on and think that I could of tried to fix that missed step.

Jean :

Sounds like you have a good plan in mind- not selfish in the least, very obvious you are considering her feelings in all of this. Before you go off line, would you please take a second to rate my answer- the only way I can get credit for my time. Much appreciated!!

Customer:

Thank you , will do.

Jean :

I hope things turn out well

Jean :

You are welcome!!

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