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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I am in a same partnership with a woman that I have been

Resolved Question:

I am in a same sex partnership with a woman that I have been with for approximately 9 months. My partner has been close friends with another woman for 5 years that she has had a fling with a few years ago.

I was a little uncomfortable with their friendship when we first started dating but tried to accept their friendship. My girlfriend and I ran into an issue when she stayed out drinking at this girl's birthday party till 3:30 in the morning while we were in a fight. I was very upset and deeply hurt by this. I expressed my feelings to her the next day and asked her to have boundaries with this relationship so that I can feel safe and secure. My girlfriend agreed to this but repeated the same behaviour two weeks later.

A friend of my girlfriend's was in town and they hadn't seen each other for a long time. My girlfriend went to hang out with her and this former fling of hers was there as well. She again stayed out till 3:30 a.m. which broke my trust and has been a sore point for us since then.

Ever since those two situations, I've had an extremely difficult time with her friendship with this former fling. I think part of it has to do with my discomfort with thinking of her being intimate with another woman. It's hard for me to think about and having this former fling around just reminds me of that fact.. It's kind of like a slap in the face. With these two recent incidents, all of those feelings have been exacerbated.. especially since it has made me feel like she won't respect how I feel about this friendship.

It's gotten to the point where I've asked my partner to stop being friends with her because of how upsetting it is for me. This caused a huge fight between us and we almost broke up.. she doesn't understand why this friendship bothers me or think that it's fair to ask that of her.

We have gotten to the point where she has agreed to let this friendship go.. However, before she does that, I want to examine whether I am being fair or if I have that right. I'm feeling very torn.. I do care about my partner and so I don't want to take something away from her that she cares about. At the same time, to have this friendship continue would be very hard for me. I don't know if I will overcome that feeling.. and I do feel that in the process, it would be upsetting for me when they spend time together or talk on the phone. And I don't feel that would be very good for our relationship.

I'm wondering if you can provide some advice on what I should do in this situation?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation you have been facing.

Customer:

Thank you Rafael

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see in your story that you have tried to cope as assertively as possible with this situation from the very beginning

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That you are consistent showing not only respect, but caring about your partner and her needs to have a personal life including friends, but have found incompatible for you to take good care of your relationship while she chooses not to be reciprocal, showing lack of respect, honesty and consistency in her actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These two episodes are very painful and frustrating for anybody in your shoes. She is not denying her behaviors, which is good, but at the same time she has relapses doing the same thing in a very short period of time and with the same person, which was not only a friend in her past, but one with who she shared a romantic-sexual relationship too. Thus your concerns and pain is nor unreasonable at all, but necessary and realistic, and setting and keeping cler and healthy boundaries and limits here is essential if what both of you want and expect is to take good care of your relationship, working on healing it and building a healthier and truly mutually fulfilling experience together.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not about you pushing her to do something against her will, but to come to terms with the fact that she really wants to work on developing an exclusive relationship / commitment with you or not. It seems she does want it, then she needs to take full responsibility for her own choices and actions and be fully consistent respecting what you share together for this relationship to heal and grow.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think your expectations are unacceptable , manipulative or abusive at all, but absolutely realistic and necessary. it is her who need to be totally truthful with herself and honest towards you in order to choose if she really wants and is willing to work on it or not. She should not then perpetuate this close friendship with this ex-partner,nor engage in any similar behavior with other people, but respect you and keep consistent actions as long as feeling comfortable and happy with you. In case her feelings change, she should address them and be honest with you, but not present any neglectful or abusive behavior betraying your trust, affection and commitment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes that absolutely makes sense. I do feel the best thing for the health of our relationship is to not have this person a part of our lives.. but I needed to be sure that I was being fair and healthy to my partner.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, and your concern is necessary and assertive, since it shows you do not want to manipulate or push her in any way, but respect her feelings, individuality and freedom of choosing what she wants to do about it. Now it depends on her what she wants to do, and it would not be through her words, but mostly through her actions in time, that she would show you if she is being truly honest, respectful, caring and responsible or not towards you and your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you, please keep this assertive approach, it seems you truly want to give her and your relationship another chance, but from now on, it should not be about promises but about real actions, and if you her actions do not follow her words, then please, reassess what you are willing to afford or not here, in order to take good care of yourself learning from your experience, since the first priority and need, right and responsibility you have, is to respect, love, support and take good care of yourself.

Customer:

Thank you for your guidance in this matter, it has been very helpful

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action, and feel free to contact me to follow up, since I am willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach