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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I would like a counselor practiced in relationships.Things

Resolved Question:

I would like a counselor practiced in relationships. My main question deals with why the girl I met with today left in such haste without so much as a "Good bye".  Here is some background. Things seemed to be going with a girl I was dating recently. But she abruptly via text told me she was no longer interested in the relationship. I concluded that she found out that I was married, but going thru a divorce. I did not disclose this initially although I had planned to. I met with her today at a Starbucks to apologize which she accepted and said she appreciated. She then stated that I was difficult to figure out and that was the reason she broke off the relationship. This I understood. I told her that I have always been a private person and that I got the notion that she life was an open book. (It was evident in the short time we dated that her view of the world was very black and white, close to austere however my world is full of gray which suits me.) We had a nice conversation for an hour in which she stated she was pleasantly surprised by it. She then said she had to get back to work and then promptly got up and walked out with some haste without so much as a "Good bye". What's going on with that? I thought at least a handshake would have been appropriate!  I guess I'm looking for some closure.  Maybe a text to her just letting her know that I appreciated her time today.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

From what you described, it sounds like she either feels that her exits from relationships and conversations do not need any lead in and she ends them all abruptly, or she is unsure of how to end things so instead of addressing it she just leaves.

Sometimes people are not taught when they are young how to end a conversation or how to even say goodbye to someone. So they either copy what their parents/caregivers did, or they just adapt an abrupt attitude and until someone tells them differently they continue to use that method.

She could also be upset with you, even if she says she understands your explanations for not telling her about your marriage/divorce. Sometimes people will say they are not upset but show their true feelings through their behavior.

If you feel the relationship will continue, you may want to ask her about her abrupt behavior when you see her. Her reaction/explanation will give you more information about why she acts as she does. And if she is evasive about explaining why, it is likely she is not being upfront with you. But if she seems confused or is able to explain why, then you will know it probably has nothing to do with her feelings for you.

I hope this has helped you,

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your help! I would just like to bring some closure on this matter. Her preferred method of conversation is via text. Maybe a text just thanking her for her time today?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
You are welcome! That sounds good. One text saying thank you works.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'm still bothered by the meeting that I outlined in my first message. My goal for the meeting was 1) apologize and 2) bring closure for me on this very short relationship. I don't have closure due in part to how the meeting ended.


 


Four things stick in my mind. First, when she first sat down she commented that she didn't think their were any loose ends (although the only real communication was her break off text.). Second, she went on at some length that she likes to (but others do not) correct people because they're wrong. I get the notion that she feels she has an eminently superior intellect. And third, she made mention in a very smug way that she was glad she had the meeting. And finally, before walking out she said somewhat derisively that she can't make her schedule (as I can). It was after this she got up from the table quickly and marched out of the cafe.


 


The manner of the meeting was unsatisfying for me and it is still a bother as I'm sure it is no longer for her. I'd just like to get beyond this matter and I'd much rather not contact she to do it.


 


Thanks for your help!

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Can you clarify your question? It sounds like you were unhappy with the meeting you had with her but what can I help you with specifically?

Thanks,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I don't have closure over this relatively short relationship. It still naws at me in the back of my mind.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
It may help you to write out your feelings in the form of a letter to her. This is not to send, but to allow you to express what you feel and may be pinpoint exactly why you feel unhappy about how your relationship ended. Writing often allows you to think through your feelings and helps to clear your mind of what might be bothering you. It could be that the way she treated you bothered you or just that her attitude was different than yours. Finding out why you feel as you do can help.

You could also practice letting go. It helps when you feel bad to remind yourself that you did your best to deal with the relationship and her reaction is not something you can control. Take a deep breath and say "It's ok" or something similar.

If you find after working on this for a few weeks that you still cannot let go, you might want to try short term therapy. It could be that the ending of the relationship triggered an unresolved issue for you and that you need to work through it. Your doctor may be able to help you find a good therapist in your area.

Kate






I am happy to help with any additional questions. However, please don't forget to rate my answer as OK or higher so I am credited for my work. Thanks so much!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your advice. Your comments around just saying "it's ok" was particularly helpful.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
You're welcome! And thank you ahead of time for your positive rating. I appreciate it!

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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