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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi, I was reckless with a troubled girl. I met her on a dating

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Hi,
I was reckless with a troubled girl. I met her on a dating site, and we immediately hit it off. She warned me early on that she tended toward casual dating, and that eventually I would either come to see her as a project to be fixed, or be scared away by her craziness. I didn't pay any attention to the second part; I get along with troubled people. As for the first, this was close on the heels of my last breakup, so casual was good.
Soon enough, we were somehow inseparable. I always found myself in her bed, or she in mine, and we'd spend entire days together. There were times when we'd both just get quiet and stare into each other's eyes for minutes at a time. We were saying "I love you" by about a week in. She wrote me a love song, and asked if I wanted to "go steady". I said it was too soon to be asking that question.
I started dating someone on the side. I wasn't particularly interested in this other girl, I'd just been in a relationship and wanted to explore all my options. But this created a lot of tension; she had already introduced me to her coworkers, her mother, her friends, and she paraded me around as though we'd been lovers for much longer.
She said (understandably) that she wasn't going to wait around for me to decide I wanted a relationship, and started dating, too. More tension. I got jealous, she got jealous, and she didn't like that I brought that out in her. She told me she wanted to take a step back, and I found myself freaking out. I had just been thinking the opposite, that we needed to stop seeing other people, and just try things out for real. I blew up on her a bit.
She went home crying, called her mom (who, from that moment forward, despised me for hurting her daughter), and we were broken up. The next day I explained WHY I freaked out, and she didn't seem to understand. She said that I was too cruel (I was not) for what I was feeling - I felt like she was giving it an expiration date right then, so of course I was cold and distant.
That's about when she decided (rather preemptively) that it would never work; I had too much power to hurt her, and we butted heads too much. It's interesting that I took the opposite lesson from it. I felt like if we'd both found someone that we got THAT worked up about, it must be worth something, if only we could trudge through the arguments. But she never again gave it a real chance.
We decided to be friends. That led to dating again. Soon, she was again asking if I'd go exclusive, even after saying that she never saw it working long-term because her mother disliked me (and they are very close), and we fought too much. So I said no, I wouldn't be exclusive, and she said that we should go back to being friends, then.
Even though I told her I needed some time (I'd really grown attached), she texted me or posted something to my facebook just about daily. One day I told her that it was too difficult not to see her in a romantic way, and she seemed genuinely sorry. Later, we got in an argument over text over something stupid, and she said that if we were going to keep tearing each other apart, she'd rather drift apart entirely. I mentioned that she contacted me much more than I contacted her, suggested that we take a few weeks, and she didn't respond.
That night and into the next day I texted, called, just trying to gauge what she was feeling, and how we could talk through it. I was as polite, sincere and non-aggressive as I've ever been, but she never responded. So, I deleted her posts from my facebook (at which point she defriended me), and I gave it three weeks - no contact whatsoever. But she was always on my mind.
At that point, I finally decided to visit her workplace (she works right down the street from me). She wasn't there but her car was, so I figured she was at the Kroger across the lot. I walked there, saw her and her mom, and she waved to me. I said hi, boldly walked up and asked if we could talk sometime, and coldly said "maybe, but not this weekend".
Outside the store, she saw my car in her workplace lot. Her mom approached me, with a false sort of niceness, and asked if I'd moved (I'd just moved to a nearby city), whether it was to be closer to work (it was not) - drilling me to see if I was stalking her daughter. The girl kept a distance, and I left.
I texted, saying I hoped she'd grant me a conversation, and she exploded, angry that I ran into her on purpose, telling me never to contact her again. I asked what I did to deserve this, and no response. So I called and called, she picked up finally and threatened a restraining order. I left a voicemail, a few texts, and dropped it.
The next day, the police called me regarding a harassment complaint that she filed. I can't contact her, nor she me. She blocked me on facebook.
It seems a disproportionate response. I just wanted to reconcile; to TALK. Why does it matter that I sought her out on purpose? Granted, she has PTSD and a horrific past with men, but is it that, or just the pain? =(
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

You have been pushed away by a poor suffering woman and her protective mom, who is guarding her daughter who is emotionally fragile.

I have suffered a similar fate some time in the past with a woman, also severely abused by one man, and diagnosed with PTSD. She also had elements of Borderline Personality Disorder, as your friend seems to - fear of abandonment, reckless behavior, volatile temper when afraid of abandonment.

People who have been traumatized develop PTSD or BPD and sometimes Dissociation including memory lapses or multiple personalities.

She may always have the abandonment issues and relationships with these people are characterized as "walking on eggshells".

You did push her abandonment button several times, and sometimes abandonment is imagined or exaggerated.

These people can be sad and lost and people such as you (and I as a therapist) want to help them. You must be 100% with people who feel abandoned, and perhaps you could have helped, but by now she may have emotionally moved on.

She has a lot of pain and needs a lot support. If you ever get back with her you will have to give 100% - all the time and may still have a rocky road.

I would like you to read this book to get more knowledge (= power)..

She ha
Product Details

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder... by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

She has lived this scenario before, I believe, and she will move on.

 

Never say never, but this may be too difficult to solve, even if you get your foot in the door.

 

I shall keep you and her in my prayers and will be happy to continue working with you on this question. Please get back to me as needed.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

 

 

 

 

 

Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Letting her completely out of my life isn't a savory option, but having a harassment complaint against me, what can I do? Being arrested isn't desirable either. I'd risk it if I thought I had a shot at regaining her trust, though... Maybe that's not the best attitude, but it's true.

I've told my mom the whole story and she said that I MUST wait it out, but she won't find her way back on her own, will she? Is there ANY conceivable way that I could disarm myself and reach out gently to try and regain her trust, or is my every attempt doomed for disaster? And why the switch from "maybe" to "never contact me again"?

I fear that as time goes on, she becomes more certain of my villainy. The only ideas I have are to reach out to her friend (who is a very nice, upright person), or leave an apology under her windshield wiper.

I AM walking on eggshells... Thank you for a thoughtful response.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 10 months ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Take your mom's advice. She could also reach out and send a note if that was legal and not awkward for her.

When you are deeply in love it is so hard to let go. If you had not made your original abandonment errors, you would probably in he same boat anyhow.

You can try, but it is an uphill battle that you may never win. Get Randi Kreger's book and read it. Forewarned is forearmed.

I wish you great success in life. If you do not succeed, your pain will lessen and then it will vanish and then something wonderful and a lot more certain will come along.

God bless.

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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