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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. After a couple

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My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. After a couple months he told me he loved me. after a little time things have been rocky with us, but I fell in love with him. Now he says he doesn't love me, but he cares about me a lot, and that I just need to give it time, you can't force love. And I know you can't force it, but do you think I am wasting my time? I mean don't you think you either love someone or you don't?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Love in real life is far away from ideal love, but we could say that there are different types of love, or ingredients that make the experience of love something better or something dysfunctional.

Customer:

he told me he wishes there was a word between care and love. When i asked him if he loved me he said he didn't know. Do you think I am waisting my time?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some people do feel this intense passion right from the beginning and feel more or less affection. Then time would show how well these emotions and feelings mature. Passion could vanish or persist, even when affection happens to be present or not. people could feel a lot of love in their own ways but since being dysfunctional, the experience of love would not be something truly fulfilling nor constructive.

Customer:

do you think I should give it time or move on?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your situation is concerning since he started by feeling more affection -love/passion- towards you but after a year he is telling you he does not love but care about you. Thus the romantic feelings,intimacy and experience of fulfillment in the relationship have not deepen but get weaker for him.

Customer:

what do you think I should do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You should do what you feel you are able to do and want to afford. Different people in your shoes would choose different ways depending on their personalities, core values, needs and expectations. Some people are willing and feel fine being patient and waiting to see what happnes, while others just do not feel they could handle that.Then you need to be totally truthful with yourself about what you can and want to afford here.

Customer:

well I found out yesterday that i am pregnant... so I dont know what to do...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But the fact that your relationship has become "rocky" and he is telling you these things, means this is not working as you expected and I believe giving yourselves time to reflect on what each of you need and expect from this relationship is essential. He appears to be willing to continue even when stating he does not love you. On the other hand most people in your shoes would feel it is not worthy and does not make sense to push a relationship when your boyfriends acknowledges there is no more love but mostly caring.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this tough situation.. What has he told you about it and how you feel now that you know you are pregnant but your relationship is the way it is?

Customer:

he said he is here for me, that he wants it, and that he wants to put his heart in it, and that he will be in it 100%. We do live together already, and he always talks about our future but he confuses me with telling me that he doesn't love me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Having a baby is a huge responsibility and independently on the relationship issues or crisis you are facing right now, you need to openly talk how you would take good care of this baby and what each of you want and are willing to do about your relationship to be as good parents as you could be, and if you truly want to work on the relationship to see if it leads you to build a real fulfilling life together and as a family.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, and you are right, it's very conflicting to hear that, even more now in your current situation. What do you truly want and are willing to do now taking into account the whole situation?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he is telling you that he is this committed to work on the relationship and on taking good care of your child, then it could be worthy to see in time how consistent he happens to be and how well it truly works or not for both of you.

Customer:

I want him to love me, and I want to be a family. I have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship. He is good to my son.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A child does deeply impact and changes relationships, and only those who have what it takes to make it work remain together and know how to learn, cope and heal from the problems, challenges and circumstances situations like this bring.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX me feel better.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your wish is absolutely valid, but as you said, there is no way to push or make other person to experience love if he does not feel it already, or works on himself and in the relationship to develop and promote it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think it would be truly much more serious if your partner tells you that he loves you so much, but then does not take any responsibility in the relationship, with or without a baby, neglects or abuses you. Actions are what ultimately show you more than words about a person's nature, caring feelings, accountability and efforts.

Customer:

that is a good point. all of his actions have been positive towards me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do believe that an adult, healthy and authentic -not pushed- love is necessary for building healthy and fulfilling relationships, that it is concerning that he does not feel this passion and romantic love towards you anymore , but if you work on it as much as you can as responsible and supportive adults because both of you want to do it, then you would be taking your chances to find out if it truly works for you or not. Only time will tell. Just keep being % 100 truthful with yourselves and honest towards each other.

Customer:

Okay, thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please consider couples counseling as an ideal source of professional support to work on supporting each other and your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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