Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I a very sorry to know about your situation.
Hello I am looking for an answer but I don't see one at this point.
Based on your story I believe you are a caring and responsible person, but just happened to have a hard time coping with the demands this situation presented. It would be a deficiency in your character if you happened to be dishonest or manipulative, but you are the opposite, you care about this person, but also know that you do nto feel you could cope with the demands a relationship under these circumstances present.
For love to be real doe snot mean it has to deny reality and the limitations we all as human beings experience. Many times people try to do that and end self-sabotaging and hurting much more the other person.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX right.
If by being truthful with yourself and honest towards her, you see you can and want to work on it, then go for it but being consistent with yourself, your feelings, needs and expectations.
However, I am afraid I have jeopardised my ability to provide her with further emotional support, by not being able to provide it on this occasion
(If I get disconnected please be patient, my notebook battery is getting out of power)
I do apologize for that.
I think part of my problem is that I cannot really committ to a complete marriage-type of relationship after knowing her such a short time and under such extraordinary circumstances. But I do want to be able to offer her emotional support while she is sick.
That makes perfect sense, is responsible, mature and realistic.
I think for me the issue is to work out how to really be consistent, so that I don't make her feel let down again. Do you have any suggestions about that?
I think it would be irresponsible and even insensitive to commit to something serious this soon.
Be honest direct and empathic at the same time
I feel I should really make more of an effort to be there for her, now that I realise how strongly it can affect her if I'm not fully there for her
Take responsiblity for your own feelings and actions, while showing you care and want to support her as much as possible
but not in a codependent way. Self-sabotaging cannot help anybody to offer healthy and fulfilling love
What do you mean by "take responsibility for your own feelings and actions?" Do you mean don't attribute the cause to her or her behaviour?
It sounds healthy and proactive, just do not allow it to get distorted with a codependent approach, where you end ding something you do not feel like doing
Being honest about what you feel and want to offer, without feeling bad about it, not getting committed into something you do not want because of being afraid to hurt her feelings
But, and this is the general question I am grappling with right now,
in many comitted relationships, such husband / wife, or parent / child, one really does have to do things one doesn't feel like doing, when another person is depending on one. In that sitauation, is it normal to twinge of unwillingness sometimes, before getting on with what needs to be done? Or don't those kind of feelings every come up in healthy family situation?
And if that's the case, when does that unconditional willingness to help emerge. In romantic stories it seems to be there right from the start of the relationship, even before marriage.
But I think you'd agree that often life puts us in a situation where we need to go outside our own comfort zone in order to help others? and society expects that: for example when a parent has to take special care of a child?
I see, so you are saying it does not mean we don't love them , just that we are imperfect. That is comforting, because I feel that probably describes my situation when I didn't support my friend.
You mean it is not possible to tell at this stage whether I love her enough to be a good husband?
yes, we met in the spring this year
Thank you very much. I appreciate your comments. I think we should stop here. I will do the rating now. Once again thank you.