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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have a brother in law that has been very underhanded and

Resolved Question:

I have a brother in law that has been very underhanded and disrespectful of me, my entire marriage to his brother, and to his brother his entire life.

Years ago, when my husband and I got married, there was an issue of who was going to inherit the small acreage that my MIL had left, where we lived, after she already gave my BIL a larger piece of land when the dad died.

We were told at the time she would "just let everyone fight it out" when she passed, but several years later, she snuck around and ended up giving this place to the BIL anyway.

Naturally, I made my husband buy a place of our own, although the BIL still let us use this acreage for our farm business, because my husband looked in on their mom 2x a day so she could continue to live there.

This worked okay until last year, this BIL underhandedly bought out another piece of land from us, that we rented from family.

That was the last straw for me, so when I had the opportunity to rent some land he leases, I did it myself, thinking this BIL would not find out until sometime next year, which I could care less if he did anyway, as I already knew it would only be a matter of time when it would be convenient for him to kick us off the MIL's place anyway.Pay back does suck.

Well, the BIL found out last week and jumped my husband about this, telling him to MAKE me cancel my lease or he would kick us off the MIL's if I did not let him have his way.

This does not bother me, although it does make things less convenient for our business. I don't live there, and I was expecting this happen, just wished it was a little later. My husband, he is panicked although I already know this doesn't make a whole lot of difference to our business dollar wise.

Am I wrong to draw a line in the sand right here and now and say no more having your way BIL?

This BIL has shown repeatedly he can't be trusted, so what would guarantee he wouldn't kick us off anyway, once I caved in? Nothing I know, but I just thought I would ask a disinterested 3rd party to see what they said.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this concerning and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The story you depict and the conclusion you arrived from it make perfect sense. Reality has shown you that this person does not even respect you, that he is not reliable, then expecting he would radically change for good or trsnform himself would be unrealistic

Customer:

No brainer, I don't expect any transformation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need and deserve to take good care of yourselves and business, and do not need to expose yourself to such an unhealthy situation now, neither to make yourselves vulnerable of any future abuse.

Customer:

What I want to know is if I am being unreasonable considering the situation

Customer:

Rafeal, I am a pysch nurse and have been for many years and I already know this is unhealthy so youll have to do better than just that

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This person has shown his ways and I do not see how could things change for better taking into account what you have already experienced in the past to the present from him.

Customer:

So like I already pointed out to my husband, even IF I caved, the minute he got his hands on this lease, if he could again, he would just do like he already was going to do anyway, which makes no sense to cave into him then

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Nothing could guaranty that he would not be abusive in the future too, I just fully agree with your fears, since it is a matter of common sense and being realistic.

Customer:

Leopard doesnt change his spots, but trying to convince my husband that his brother will kick us off anyway, especially now to show his "power" is hard to do

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right. Much better for you too face reality and confront his abusive ways now setting healthy boundaries in order not to have to afford further future uncomfortable and abusive situations.

Customer:

Abusers and bullies hate to be thwarted

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet they do, and if you show passivity or fear, they would feel empowered to perpetuate their abuse as much as possible.

Customer:

So basically your just affirming that my decision to not give on this issue is correct, as at least I possibly gain this lease in the end, if the BIL can not figure out a way around it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many times people afraid of conflict take a passive approach, avoiding confrontation, and they end enabling further abuse and manipulation.

Customer:

I already know that when something, human or animal senses fear, they press their advantage, and that is why BIL is focusing on his brother, and not me, because he already knows I don't fear him or what he can do, much like a small child throwing a tantrum to get his way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support your decision to confront his abusive and manipulative ways right away, for you to be able to liberate yourselves from his negative influence undermining your lives-business.

Customer:

Passive and avoidant personalities think they help themselves by not making waves, and yes this does perpetrate the abuse cycle. But it still does not solve whether or not this is the right thing to do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Exactly, that's why you need to support your husband to work on himself, on becoming more assertive, proactive, and to reassess what is truly the best for you and your lives.

Customer:

Was i wrong to take steps to try to maintain a land base, considering this BIL caused us to be short in the first place? I need a certain land base, and it was tight this year. What does not really make sense though, is that if BIL would not makes waves over this, I would get along and let things be as they are, but I think this is exactly what he does not want me to have control over

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You acknowledge your choices and actions, taking full responsibility for them, in that way nobody could use nor abuse you. This could be the best chance to break this vicious circle and set a stop to this person's manipulative and abusive ways.

Customer:

Supporting husband to be assertive is a joke, all he will do is try to pus hme and my beliefs down, and I am a little tired of having to shoulder the consequences

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would never suggest anybody in your shoes to be codependent with a husband nor to allow an abusive person to feel more empowered. It's obvious to me that you have much work to do around your husband not playing this passive codependent role any more.

Customer:

I agree about putting limits on the BIL, and know this is the final limit I will tolerate from him. The only thing that I worry about, but not all that much, is that he will in turn go out of his way to aggravate us just top show his "power"

Customer:

No brainer, but have been unable to break codependent cycle, or even substitute with me over past 20 years

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When I talk about support, I do not mean enabling what is dysfunctional but promoting what is health and acceptable, even if that creates conflict, since it would be a necessary and constructive one.

Customer:

Getting my husband to buy in to this has not gone well, and although I know it is hard, I do realize that this separation that will occur after this will eventually be healthy. I just hope the cost is not too high for me to pay.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why counseling and psychotherapy exist for people to develop better coping skills, assertiveness, to work on chronic issues and making real changes. It's obvious the codependency issue is undermining many things here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, you need to reassess the pros and cons of your core options and mindfully choose what you are truly willing and feel able to afford, now and in the long run.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's clear you do not feel happy with the way things have been for this long, that's why better to address them as soon as possible, it would not be easy, it'd be tough but necessary and worthy.

Customer:

There is no way to feel happy with any of this, and I just gave you the sanitary version. I got cussed out when I called the BIL this morning asking why he had not shown up at the neutral place I chose to discuss this. Anyway, I know that this line needs set and it is time. So have a great day!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach