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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Three months ago I met up (online) with an old boyfriend of

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Three months ago I met up (online) with an old boyfriend of mine from 30 years ago. We were pretty serious back then. We are both now 54 years old. We are both professional people and divorced. Me 7 years, he 2.
He was very happy to be in touch, however, all he talked about was having sex.
We dated, first Friday nights, then moved onto Sat nights. I just never felt comfortable having sex with him since he told me how he dates so many women and takes them to bed. Listening to all of that just made me more uncomfortable and so continually disappointed.
I want to feel special with this man and recently spoke to him about how I can't have casual sex with him, and why. He listened and understood that I didn't want to stand in line and be hurt. We have become basically "kissing buddies" now and we're back to Friday night dating.
I don't know what goes on in a guys head about taking a variety of women in bed, however his take is that chemistry is very important and he will not commit to anyone until he sleeps with them first. Am I being too cautious here and making too big a deal about having sex. I don't want to get hurt and because of our past history feel that maybe I shouldn't be so afraid of taking the risk. Don't know whether to just give this up or proceed. He made it clear, no sex, no chemistry, no exclusivity.
Thanks.
Lisa
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about your situation. I do not think you are "being too cautious" at all, but wise not pleasing him this easily, mostly because of how different if not incompatible it seems your value-belief system and ways to approach relationships appear to be.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your words show you do not feel it's fine nor feel comfortable for a person to keep having casual sex with different people like he does. Your first communication showed it so clearly, I'd say shockingly, how this person's first priority and main concern around relationships is having sex, no matter how the other factors could play a role in it or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe sex is a core factor in healthy and fulfilling relationships, no doubt about it, but when it becomes distorted and downgrades or dismissed the other core dimensions of adult relationships, then things could get very dysfunctional, and for sure those people in your shoes, who care about feelings, romance, respect, sensitivity, commitment and more, get very hurt if easily expose themselves to people having such approach.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is true that when there is not good sexual compatibility and fulfillment, relationships could not develop well, but this sexual fulfillment is much more than just the physical mechanic of sex, and requires a lot of empathy, personalities compatibility, mutual understanding, caring, open communication and other factors promoting real "intimacy", which is not only about coital sex, but about the whole multidimensionality of it,from feelings and romance, to feeling safe, understood, motivated and supported by the other person as a whole human being, enjoying sex for sure, but without alienating it from everything else.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see how this person, sleeping with many women would be able to actually build a whole, mature and fulfilling relationship with any of them. it much more seems like he has been using women to satisfy himself while rationalizes or justifies his behavior.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's not romantic nor respectful to start dating by talking about how many sexual partners you have been having and pushing you to get to bet as soon as possible. That is more than a red flag it is already a big fire happening in front of you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
12:18 PM
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
12:25 PM
I am very sorry to know about your situation. I do not think you are "being too cautious" at all, but wise not pleasing him this easily, mostly because of how different if not incompatible it seems your value-belief system and ways to approach relationships appear to be.
12:28 PM
Your words show you do not feel it's fine nor feel comfortable for a person to keep having casual sex with different people like he does. Your first communication showed it so clearly, I'd say shockingly, how this person's first priority and main concern around relationships is having sex, no matter how the other factors could play a role in it or not.
12:32 PM
I believe sex is a core factor in healthy and fulfilling relationships, no doubt about it, but when it becomes distorted and downgrades or dismissed the other core dimensions of adult relationships, then things could get very dysfunctional, and for sure those people in your shoes, who care about feelings, romance, respect, sensitivity, commitment and more, get very hurt if easily expose themselves to people having such approach.
12:36 PM
It is true that when there is not good sexual compatibility and fulfillment, relationships could not develop well, but this sexual fulfillment is much more than just the physical mechanic of sex, and requires a lot of empathy, personalities compatibility, mutual understanding, caring, open communication and other factors promoting real "intimacy", which is not only about coital sex, but about the whole multidimensionality of it,from feelings and romance, to feeling safe, understood, motivated and supported by the other person as a whole human being, enjoying sex for sure, but without alienating it from everything else.
12:38 PM
I do not see how this person, sleeping with many women would be able to actually build a whole, mature and fulfilling relationship with any of them. it much more seems like he has been using women to satisfy himself while rationalizes or justifies his behavior.
12:39 PM
It's not romantic nor respectful to start dating by talking about how many sexual partners you have been having and pushing you to get to bet as soon as possible. That is more than a red flag it is already a big fire happening in front of you.
12:39 PM
Does it make sense?

* I changed from chat to postings since say you online, in the chat but did not see you replying. Since this chat interface uses to have technical problems affecting communication between expert and customer, I decided to change to this format to ensure you could read my input and that we could dialogue as necessary. Thanks.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your expert advice. You have validated my core relationship values which I am proud of.
To answer your question, yes, your response makes all the sense in the world.
Have a good day.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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