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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi I have been married for 6 years recently i have noticed

Resolved Question:

Hi I have been married for 6 years recently i have noticed a big change in my husbands behavior toward me. He doesn't seem to want me to be around a certain group of his friends which are much younger than him and he goes to lots of parties with the, He also goes to the gym for hours on end with out contacting me or making time for family. He stays up late at night to play play station games and I have caught him having unfaithful conversations with a girl on line. When i asked him about it over and over again he lied to me. got angry and smashed the game. I told him to move out and he did he said he didn't want to come back because i don't show him enough love and nag to much about him and his friends about the drinking and about the gym. He ended up coming back and i loved him without saying a thing. but then his friends invited me to a party with them i wanted to go but he told me i wouldn't like it and that i should stay home. when he got back i tried to talk about it making me unhappy and he got really mad and said he should't have taken me back....whats going on here
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly serious situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily everything you describe in your message shows a very dysfunctional, neglectful and abusive husband, not even respecting you,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It also shows that you have tolerated too much from him, to the point of even enabling his abuse and neglect since afraid of him leaving again, what has just led him to become more abusive and neglectful.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When a person present these serious issues, it is vr sad and frustrating, but it becomes impossible for a marriage to heal and grow strong and fulfilling, since its very core is distorted by the abuse and neglect imposed by the spouse.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His behaviors show a very immature and selfish person, unable to respect pr care about your needs and feelings, who lives like a single person, with no much responsibility at all, but spending a lot of time socializing, playing games, drinking, and sharing with other women online too. This is all unacceptable for adult married man regardless his culture, and it seems you have not agreed any of this in your marriage, right?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
9:29 AM
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly serious situation.
9:31 AM
Unhappily everything you describe in your message shows a very dysfunctional, neglectful and abusive husband, not even respecting you,
9:32 AM
It also shows that you have tolerated too much from him, to the point of even enabling his abuse and neglect since afraid of him leaving again, what has just led him to become more abusive and neglectful.
9:34 AM
When a person present these serious issues, it is very sad and frustrating, but it becomes impossible for a marriage to heal and grow strong and fulfilling, since its very core is distorted by the abuse and neglect imposed by the spouse.
9:37 AM
His behaviors show a very immature and selfish person, unable to respect pr care about your needs and feelings, who lives like a single person, with no much responsibility at all, but spending a lot of time socializing, playing games, drinking, and sharing with other women online too. This is all unacceptable for adult married man regardless his culture, and it seems you have not agreed any of this in your marriage, right?

* Hello

I changed from chat to posting since I was able to see you were online and even joined the chat but apparently were not able to read or reply. The chat interface has many technical problems, many times limiting the communication between customers and experts. This is why I decided to change to postings in order to make sure we could dialogue about your situation. Thank you for your patience.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

When he first got caught out and smashed the game and lied about it all- he did say he loved me, and that peoples marriages go through things and that we can work through this...at the same time he allowed me to believe I was wrong and going paranoid in the head...he then told me he realized that he needed to drink less but that he hated me saying I didn't like his young friends and that he would be friends with who ever he likes! however he was still saying this all on top of a lye. when he was finally walking out the door three days later because i told him to go because i continued u to tell him i knew he was lying he ended up saying fine- you are right I f**ked up and Im sorry. But then when i cried he showed me no affection and left. days later when i poured my heart out to him saying that what he did hurt me but knowing he was gone hurt even more - he once again showed no affection saying he didnt know when he'd come back and that he might move away to another country for a while and that if i didnt want him to go i shouldnt have told him to go in the first place- i then explained the only reason i told him to go was because he kept on lying to me and i wanted him to know that lying is worse and disrespectful to me. later that night he text asking if i wanted to him to come home- i said yes and i without saying a word let him back and loved him fully. we acted like new lovers again for a few days but then when i asked to talk about what happened- his reply was its in the passed we have talked about it enough lets not bring it up....i accepted that and he was happy- but then when he wouldnt let me go to his friends party and i got annoyed with him telling him i didnt like it he js called me a nagger and other horrible things and said we had talked about it all enough and that he shouldnt have come back, then the next day acted like nothing ever happened and tried to carry on all lovey dovey......its all very confusing....should i js leave it and carry on showing him love- forgive forget keep it in the past- hope he has learnt his lesson and will make the changes i would like- or do i ask again for clarity for truth to see what we can do for each other differently so it doesn't happen again...knowing that with this question he will probably get agitated at me

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
I am very sorry, this is very frustrating and concerning, since his actions do show from lack of respect, to manipulation and lack of caring. The last thing I would recommend a person in your shoes is to deny reality, or avoid facing it, staying passive hoping everything would be fine with time, because in real life that does not use to happen at all, but things use to get worse with time, more dysfunctional, abusive, so hurtful.

No doubt that pleasing him, doing whatever he wants you to do, without having any real expectation respected nor supported, would make his ego happy, and create the impression of a harmonious conflict free relationship. But the price you would have to afford is getting every time more neglected, manipulated and abused too. It would be a very codependent approach , always leading to more dysfunction and extra pain in the long run.

This is why I continue to support you taking an assertive approach and working on it as good as you can, and hoping he would do the same. Then depending not on words but on his actions, you would know if he is truly honest, capable and willing to respect, love and support you as you need and deserve.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

So is it fair of me then to ask him to explain what happened fully?or is that something men will never do? or do i lay down what i need him to do from now on in order to make me happy and see by his actions if he wants to make me happy and just never know the full truth of what happened or what led it to happen?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
It is fair and necessary for you to talk about it, for you to ask him to be honest and for him to agree to work on it.Men and women, should be always accountable for their choices and actions, specially if into committed relationships, they need to be truly honest, otherwise they would be building dysfunctional lives that could never flourish as healthy and fulfilling experiences.

You need to make it clear what you need and expect from him, to dialogue a bout it being respectful but very clear about it, for him to know. Then it will be his actions what will show you if he really cares, respects and wants to play a healthy and fulfilling role in your life or not.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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