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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have been dating a divorced man (divorced 5 years), age 52,

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I have been dating a divorced man (divorced 5 years), age 52, for a year and a half. He has 50% custody of 2 boys ages 13 and 10. I have been divorced for 14 months and the 24 year marriage (I am 51) had been dead for many years. My daughters met him after dating 2 months (they are 22 and 19). They like him, respect him and wish us to be together for life. His boys know of me. They have seen pictures of me, hear about me and have taken care of my dog for me (with him, at his house) when I went on a vacation. His mother knows about me, his exwife knows about me (and has looked me up on linkedin.com). He says he loves me and early on said he had never expected that he could meet someone so special in his life. He does things that are very generous to me and also to my daughters. He sleeps here the days he is not with his children. He texts me often the days we are apart. I have been to his house 3 times. 15 monthes ago. His children were not there and I did not spend the night. My girls are on their own now and live away from home. I was comfortable with our relationship as it is until about 10 months ago. I am concerned that he has not set up a meeting with me and his boys and I am concerned that we do not spend time at his house. I have brought this up about every 2 months for about 10 months. The last time, at the end of June, he promised to set up a meeting right away. He apologized and said it was long past due. It is now almost a year and a half since we met. I have it in my mind that at that point, the end of September, if I was important to him and going to be a part of the rest of his life, that I should have met his children. At my age, I don't think delivering an ultimatum is appropriate. It is either meant to be, or it isn't. Will you please give me some insight, guidance and clear direction of how to handle this? I am hurt and want to know if I should force the issue or move on now. Thank you. Betsy
Hello. I know this sounds simple, but have you asked him for an explanation? I know you said you have brought it up and he apologized, but have you ever asked him to tell you why? Even though all of the circumstances that you described seem positive, he may be holding on to some kind of uncomfortable feeling about his children judging him for moving on with his life. There may be something going on that you aren't aware of which is causing him stress. Maybe his ex is talking to his kids and at that sensitive age, he may be worried about what they might think. I'm just guessing of course, but that's what it sounds like to me. Men tend to be embarrassed by things like this because they are supposed to be strong and unmoved by emotional issues and when one comes up, they aren't sure how to handle it. He may want to have things appear ok on the outside as much as possible, but may be dealing with conflict of some sort with his ex or children.
AS far as what you should do about forcing the issue, it depends how you feel about him and how much more of it you can take. You said an ultimatum isn't in your interest, however being able to communicate both ways is a very important aspect to any relationship and you need to be able to get him to open up to you. Perhaps an ultimatum regarding the reasons would be more acceptable than the ultimatum of forcing the meeting. Just a thought.
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