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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
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Hi. My girlfriend used to give oralsex to her ex everyday,

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Hi.

My girlfriend used to give oralsex to her ex everyday, she put real effort and passion into it, and made him cum everytime, always swallowed too. Sometimes she also did it on her own iniative, just starting randomly at any given time to give him a blowjob. She had deep feelings for him and loved him alot. On his part however, he was never able to give her orgasms.

Now with me, she loves me more and says that I am the love of her life. And I say that I would love to get oralsex and I am always asking for it. But when she does an attempt on it, she finds it to be boring and quits after half a minute, and just want to start f**king instead. Then she rides me and gets a bunch of orgasms (yes it is true, she is not faking it), afterwards she rolls over on her side on bed, being exhausted from all the orgasms. She then tells me to f**k her doggy, because then it is my time to cum, and then we do a quickie like that. But she dont seem to be so much into it, just ass up in the air as an attempt to satisfy her bf. Well, I get my orgasm too, but I wish it was in the way the ex got it, with oral sex and blowjobs and with she being passionate and showing how she loves doing it.

And even when they had riding, doggy or did any f**king, he always finished in her mouth. How I wish I had it like this, and I am very jealous of her ex. And this have also made me feel like she cared more about her ex and his wishes. Making me beleiving she loved him more, which is really not correct the way I see it, but it really makes me doubt sometimes, because of this sex thing.

Please help, what should I do? And what can this really mean, why does she not do it with me?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a good couple. And you both seem to really want each other's love. You both want to be in this relationship with your whole hearts. That's what it seems like from what you've shared with me. And that's so wonderful.

The problem seems to be the psychological associations (the symbolism that makes it meaningful inside) each of you has with sex and sexual enjoyment. Your symbolism is very different from hers and hers is very different from yours. This is causing you a lot of heartache and disappointment. So let's see if we can help to make it better.

You've described her ex as being very self centered. He cared about himself and not her. And this was certainly reflected in their sex. He got pleasure and that was all that mattered. Her pleasure didn't matter at all.

She seems to have tried to compensate for this. By showing more and more love and passion in her giving him enjoyment. This, in psychological terms, is very often a subconscious behavior by the other person in a relationship with a veyr self centered person. She keeps hoping subconsciously that by showing how pleasurable it is to give him what he wants, he'll do a little more of the same for her.

But it never works. The self centered person just assumes that she "gets it", that she realizes how important his pleasure is and that she is satisfied with giving him pleasure. And so he doesn't try any harder to give her pleasure. And she is more disappointed. So she learned that sex is either for his pleasure or hers.

Now she's with a boyfriend who wants to give her pleasure. And that makes her happy. She seems to be truthful when she says she's happy with you. And she's happy sexually. But she seems to still think of sex as either for her pleasure or yours. And she is very happy that you want it to be for her.

A good way to deal with this without hurting feelings is to say that you want to vary the procedure. That you want to have an orgasm first sometimes and then you'll give her an orgasm orally or manually. That is a way to introduce into the discussion that you want your orgasm to become more central to the sex between the two of you.

If she looks like that's strange, then don't get upset, just tell her you want it to be fair and to be more adventurous. And that you're not trying to replace all the sex with this, just to make it more even. That sometimes you want the focus to be your orgasm. Most of the time it can still be her orgasm.

This is how most couples do it, by the way. And she needs to know that. This is how most couples who love each other for more than just a brief encounter enjoy sex. Very, very few couples have orgasms at the same time. Therefore they share the experience of making each person's orgasm the center of the sex. Some times it will be one person's orgasm that is the center, other times it will be the other person's. So this is the normal procedure.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi.


 


I have tried to come up with compromises.


 


For example, I told her once that she needed to make me cum with oralsex before she got any. But then she did not think it was fair, because I was able to cum in many different positions in sex (like most of men easily do). She could only get orgasms with riding, and then beleived it was unfair of me to want this kind of compromise.


 


And when she attempts to give me blowjob, she is always very lazy and tired about it. I moan to make it exciting and to let her know that I like it, but it does not help. And then I always remember how she would go the distance with her ex, and keep on sucking him for long times if necessary. And even start doing it on her own iniative and really show him that she loves it etc.


 


With me, she simply do not seem to love it or care about it. And it frustrates me so much. And it makes me imagine her and her ex making sweet love with passion and treating her ex so good with blowjobs.


 


What could be wrong... When she also claims that she never loved someone as much as me. That she thinks im the greatest person and all. And for me, I think she is an amazing person too and I love her so much. But this sex issue, that she did this amazing things for her ex all the time, and not with me, HURTS. And it has been hurting everyday for over a year, since we got together. Sometimes I have no idea what I should do, because I know she loves me so much and I do the same with her. And we already broken up or had breaks and lots of drama and discussion because of this. But it never changes, she simply dont love sucking me. And it makes me question if she really loves me.


 


Let me take in additonal information. When she met her ex, they were in love for many months over the internet, had webcam sex and so on. And when they met first time at his apartment, the first thing she did was give him a blowjob, she have told me about this. When he came, she said she loved it. Many sexual things was new with this guy for her, and made things very exciting for her.


 


And I dont understand, as I said, why she is not excited at all to give me oral.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
It could be true that this was new for her at the time and now it's not. That may be the case more than that she was trying to please him exclusively.


But the main problem here is that she has an unusual sense of how "fair" works. Fair isn't about each sexual experience being "fair", meaning that each person has an orgasm.


Fair is over the long run. So sometimes she needs to be able to let you have the sexual center stage even if she doesn't have an orgasm right there that night. There's the next night or the night after that. This is how fair works in love.


Therefore, I would like you to have her read my answer and discuss this together. That being fair means each person gives pleasure to the other the way the person likes it. And that an important way she would show love to you is to want to give you the pleasure you would enjoy, not just any old orgasm.


I'd like her to read that and discuss it with you, that this is how giving works in a relationship. She loves you and we believe that. But she needs to show that love in ways that are important to you. And this is important to you.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I am really so depressed of this. I have struggled emotionally alot, and sometimes it is so strong, that I said I brake up because of it. Which makes her supersad and I am also very sad. And then taking her back, because I love her deeply and she is the love of my life. This is really a serious problem.


 


I have tried many times to fix my toughts, to try to understand why she gave him all this good things in sex, and not with me. Even mentioned it to her many times, and then saying I should stop talking about her past, saying that it hurts to be reminded of what she did with him. Because in the end, she found out he was no good. And was bad and selfish with her.


 


Sometimes I have been forcing myself and trying to not care about this at all, but till no use. Some time passes, and I remember and get images in my head again, because I feel they had something more together, some more love and passion. Even if I find it hard to be true, but it always makes me confused.


 


The funny thing is that my gf is a very understanding and smart person, and to me, she really knows what it means to be fair. And there was a time I was angry and telling her how bad I felt. And then she said that she realizes that she have been behaving like her ex, and being selfish and not satisfying me. And she said sorry and wanted to do something about it. But it was just back to the same. Asking to get blowjob and she seems bored about it, want to do it fast, are tired, and quits after a very short time, and says "is it enough now?", like she did not even enjoy it or feel nothing about it. Quite the contrary with her ex, which she LOVED giving oralsex too.


 


Can I go on being hurt like this? Will it ever change? I have run out of options, I feel I have tried everything. I love her so much, and feel desperate.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
You know, this seems very sad. I can see that you are hurting very much about this. And I'm sorry.


Because she made a very big mistake, she's right: she should never have told you about her past. You're a sensitive guy and it was a mistake to do this.


And she's also right about her acting like her boyfriend: being selfish. It is strange that she would be that way, especially given that she recognizes that she is acting in a selfish way. This takes us back to what I said at the very beginning: that she seems to associate psychologically oral sex with her ex and that it really turns her off. This really seems to be the situation here. Because she's smart and she recognizes that she should be nice about it. But something is making her not want to have oral sex. So, it really seems as if she is turned off by it because of her ex.


But she's the love of your life. So you need to come up with an alternative. Oral sex may have to be something you give up. But she needs to still make your having an orgasm more the center of the sex some of the time. That should still be something that you can ask from her. So, many men have to give up on oral sex because their partners don't like it for one reason or another. But focus instead on your orgasm being the focus of some of the sexual encounters between you. Then, maybe after some time, she'll be less extreme about oral sex. Because she'll be more even in caring about your pleasure as much as hers.




I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I will tell something that could be a cause of all this.


 


A bit over a year ago, was the time we first met. We talked on the net before, and she knew I would like oralsex. And she told me that she loved doing it.


 


So when we met, she was so excited to give me blowjob, and she showed me alot of passion and effort and literally being crazy to do it on me. This is something I never forget, because after the incident which I am about to explain, I never saw her like that ever again! Which is of course, also very sad.


 


I have to mention that I have never gotten a blowjob before in my life, as I had only one serious relationship before her. Therefore I did something very stupid, I waited some weeks without ejaculating. Hoping it would make me more sensitive and able to cum, because she said she would love that.


 


What happened after some sucking is a explosion of an orgasm. But it was unfortunately so much cum that it got very unpleasant and some of it got stuck in her throat. Some of it was old, bad tasty cum too. In other words, I gave her the worst oralsex experience in her life, it was a mess, it was terrible.


 


We hanged out some days. And met again in some months time. When she tried doing it then, she bleated (I dont know if it is the right word), something you do right before puking. And when I said I was about to cum... she got this bad reaction like she was about to puke and we had to stop. She needed a full week each time before she wanted to try again.


 


It has really been a mess. And it seems like a bad start with me made it a habit of not loving to do it with me. And with the ex, it was supergreat from the start, right from the start, the first second and every moment in beginning, sexually was just perfect. And he was also a much much more sexually experienced person than me. He knew how to get what he want, I guess... With this new young innocent girl he got. Which I guess, got blown away at that time by his confidence in sex, and everything seemed to work. Even if he was selfish and she did not get any orgasms, like she always gets with me.


 


But how to fix this? How to make her love giving me oral? I want that girl back... the girl I saw before the incident. She had fire in her eyes... And then the fire in her eyes unfortunately dissapeared, I have never seen that fire again ever, and the burning desire she had to give me oralsex.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Wow! That is an amazing story. I'm glad you finally shared it. The whole situation makes a little more sense, especially that you say she's smart, etc. This really does make a difference here.


You're right. This really was a traumatic event and it changed everything. And so you're going to have to now take a whole different approach.


You're going to have to move slowly and gradually. You're trying to get her to just enjoy it again. That's not going to happen. You have to do this gradually.


You have to even introduce the idea gradually. Here's what I mean.


You'll introduce oral sex gradually. When you two do have oral sex, you need to have her just do it for a little bit to stimulate you. The agreement is that you will not come. She needs to trust you about that. This will give her time to slowly enjoy it again. And you won't do it every time to stimulate you, every so often. And you will assure her that it's just as foreplay. Eventually you two will try to have her be able to tolerate having you in her mouth for longer amounts of time, more stimulation. Again, very slow progress, then eventually to see if she can accept your coming, perhaps as a second orgasm in a day when your sperm production won't be so much.


This is the program you will need to follow, a little at a time, okay?


I'm very glad you finally shared this because it is the key to this being resolved between the two of you, though it will take time.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5154
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this and thank you for your positive rating. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark

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