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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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christain counselor my question is posted

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my question is posted
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 10 months ago.

Dear XXXXX :

Hello and how are you today? I am here to answer all your questions. I do not see your question posted and if you could post it again. I will gladly help you.

Customer:

i have been married for over 40 yrs.... my 40 yr old son controls what i do and say, etc and husband does not stand up for me in front of him.. my husband refuses to get involved.... i feel out of place with them and extremely heartbroken and devastated... please give me your thoughts as i am totally lost as how to handle this..

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question.

Dear XXXXX :

This web site is about how to handle a controlling person I feel you will find it helpful http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Handle-a-Controlling-Person

Dear XXXXX :

Your husband does not want to get involved and I feel he should.

Dear XXXXX :

He needs to explain too him that their is no need for him to tell you what to do.

Dear XXXXX :

It sounds like your son feels like he needs to take care of you and doesn't see that you can take care of yourself.

Customer:

what do i do? i am soo lost and this is an ongoing problem

Customer:

debra; did you get my question?

Dear XXXXX :

Yes, I did and thank you. I want you to take a look at this web site. It shows how to handle a controlling person. http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Handle-a-Controlling-Person

Customer:

my son is constantly irritated with me about one thing or another....

Customer:

so if my husband is unwilling to be involved with this situation with our son what am i to think? or do?

Dear XXXXX :

It sounds like your son feels like he needs to take care of you, but he needs to understand that you can take care of yourself.

Customer:

also my sons wife has now gotten involved so it is all 3 against me.... i just feel like i dont belong there and have no understanding or validation at all.

Dear XXXXX :

Your son's wife should not be getting involved. You have your own life and you should not have to feel out of place in your own family.

Customer:

we are in our vacation home and i just want to go home..... is that running away?

Dear XXXXX :

No, that is not running away. You need to take control back and make the decision not to stand for this anymore. If they think they can control situation they will continue to do it.

Dear XXXXX :

If you tell them this is it your done and this is not going to happen anymore.

Dear XXXXX :

You going home is something if you feel you need to go home, you go home.

Dear XXXXX :

It is not running away.

Dear XXXXX :

It is doing what you want to do. Not what everyone else wants you to do.

Customer:

i keep thinking in the back of my mind I'm making a big deal out of this...... i feel separated from my husband as he can't be there for me completely only when it does not cause conflict for him

Dear XXXXX :

You want to be able to be at your vacation home and be relaxed and comfortable.

Dear XXXXX :

I would tell your husband how you feel. You do not want to feel separated from your husband. You want him to stand up for you and I do not feel like you are making a big deal out of this, I feel that when you feel like they are controlling you do not respond. If you do not respond and do what you want then they will catch on that you will no longer be controlled by them.

Customer:

we have had many problems over the years and he has come a long way on working in himself.... i love him very much and don't want to be apart but do not know any other solution.

Customer:

my husband truly believes he should stay out of anything with my son and me....

Dear XXXXX :

Your husband feels that this needs to be worked out between you and your son. I think he feels he will makes things worse. You love your husband and it seems he does not want to be in-between both of you. He does not want to take sides.

Customer:

so is that normal for my husband to feel this way? should i accept this?

Dear XXXXX :

I feel the solution is talking to your son and tell him how you feel and explain you feel it is causing a problem with in the family. Your son has to take under consideration how you feel.

Dear XXXXX :

Yes, this is very normal. I feel that he doesn't want to take sides. I think he feels if he says something it might cause a problem with his relationship. I don't think he wants anyone to not get along. He just wants everything to be ok and work things out itself.

Customer:

but i feel betrayed by him

Dear XXXXX :

You want him to stand up for you and I do believe he should, but he is backing away and not getting involved. I want you to explain your feelings to your husband and your son.

Dear XXXXX :

Even if you have to write them each a letter explaining who you feel.

Dear XXXXX :

*how you feel.

Dear XXXXX :

It is important that they know hoe you feel.

Customer:

i just had a huge bad chat with my daughter in law and have been in so much pain but feel unsafe to tell my husband as i will be pushed away.. should marriage look like this?

Customer:

i have many times and they think I'm ridiculous

Dear XXXXX :

You should be able to talk with your husband he should be there for you. Even if he does not agree with the situation he should let you talk, voice your opinion and give you his opinion on the subject.

Dear XXXXX :

He should not push you away and they should take you serious. They are not listening to your feelings.

Customer:

you r right... they don't care about my feelings.... that is the real truth

Customer:

my husband will listen and feels my pain but nothing changes

Dear XXXXX :

This is why when they try to control your life and tell you what to do and say, you simply answer that this is your life and though you understand how they feel, they need to understand how you feel.

Customer:

so i need to accept my husband where he is at? not getting involved with son stuff?

Dear XXXXX :

I want you to put yourself in his shoes so that you can understand how he feels. He just does not want to cause any problems. But he also needs consider your feelings and put himself in your shoes.

Dear XXXXX :

He also needs to accept how you feel as well.

Customer:

he accepts how i feel but it does not soothe me at all

Customer:

so what are we accomplishing here....I accept how he feels and vice versa?

Dear XXXXX :

That is the first step that he accepts how you feel. I feel that he should explain why he is not getting involved. You should know why.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel he should get involved and tell your son how you feel.

Customer:

i do know why.... he does not want any conflict with our son.... so he just says nothing and sits there and lets our son talk to me however he wants

Dear XXXXX :

I want you to tell your son that this is causing a huge problem in your family. He does not seem to understand how his action are causing problems.

Dear XXXXX :

I want you to tell your son that you will no longer talk too me this way. I feel he knows that no one is going to get involved so he just doesn't stop.

Dear XXXXX :

If someone said something too him, he would stop.

Dear XXXXX :

I want you to explain to your husband that you feel if he got involved things would change for the better.

Customer:

you have no idea how many times i have tried to explain this to my husband in counseling, and repeatedly to him.... it flat does not work.... so the next step..... how should i take care of myself?

Customer:

he has been willing to work in other areas but not this.... i dont know about you but if there is one area i dont feel supported in i feel my relationship with him is not complete.

Dear XXXXX :

You want to stand up for yourself and take control back of your life. There is a saying that if you let someone control your life they will. so you need to put your foot down and say this will happen no more. Your husband is willing to work in some areas so he is trying to change certain things and I feel that he is working on things one thing at a time. This does not mean he will not work on this issue in time.

Dear XXXXX :

He might decide that he needs to support you on this issue.

Dear XXXXX :

This is why you should keep telling him how you feel. I think he is going to realize that you need his support.

Customer:

thank you so much for all your help.... if i want to get hold of you again is there a way to do so?

Dear XXXXX :

You welcome. Yes you can get a hold of me again. When you ask a question you just put Dear XXXXX in front of the question. This way I will see it and answer your question.

Customer:

ok great~~~~ i need to be in prayer....

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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