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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC , Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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i have been married a long time, however, our 41 yr old tries

Customer Question

i have been married a long time, however, our 41 yr old tries to control how i think and act and do and my husband never takes up for me in front of our son.... is that normai and am i too sensitive... i literally dont know how to change myself? dont go with husband and son at same time... this situation has very much upset me to the max because it is ongoing and i feel betrayed by my husband cuz he wont back me up when son does this
I need to know if my thinking is off base, too sensitive, ... i have many years of therapy but this one thing throws me so far off that i am depressed and want to get away from then... please honest thoughts
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist : Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Rafael M.T.Therapist : I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : What you describe in your question is very sad and frustrating, since it shows, how your adult son and husband do not respect you but, present abusive behaviors, and these are not normal nor acceptable behaviors at all. They show lack of maturity, respect, caring and sensitivity; and whenever it is about any form of abuse or neglect, it is always unacceptable.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You would need to set clear and consistent boundaries and limits to your son and husband, for them to know that it is unacceptable to try to control, manipulate or disrespect you under any circumstance.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : it is not "too sensitive" to feel hurt and sad when your own adult son and husband neglect , manipulate or abuse you in subtle or obvious way. the only mistake I can see here in you would be about allowing them to be this way against you. You do not need nor deserve such mistreatment. Meditation, counseling, praying, talking are all necessary and positive if well approached, but without consistent actions around setting good boundaries and limits, confronting unacceptable behaviors and taking good care of yourself, they would become useless.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : You suffer of depression, which is a tough mental health condition, and your husband and adult children are supposed to be the very core of your support system and not the root f dysfunction, manipulation and abuse in your life. Anybody in your shoes would feel depressed and hopeless.

my husband says he does not want to get involved with anything to do with our son and me..... he wants to stay neutral... and my son continues to always get irritated about something with me.. i never know when he will pop the statement.... i have tried many times to explain to my husband i just need your support and he says he can not give it.... i have been attacked by my sons wife that i live with alcholics and i should just except these things..... i am very strong in my faithand many years of therapy... this one i need an answer what to do... boundaries dont seem to work


can i compare answers with another therapist?

Rafael M.T.Therapist : Codependency is the addition distorting how people share, attach and develop relationship/ Whenever an adult allow other people yo use, abuse, manipulate or neglect her, this happens because love and commitment have got distorted, and the person believes that allowing the abuse, equals being a good mother and spouse, while in reality it only enables further abuse, dysfunction and unhealthy patterns in those people involved.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Boundaries do not work if they are not assertive or consistently implemented. Unless a person physically forces you, you always have the right, power and responsibility to set boundaries in order not to allow any further manipulation, control or abuse.
Rafael M.T.Therapist : Sure.

my husband really believes he should not be involved..... and my son will spurt out things and then come say he is sorry but this is ongoing and to the point i do not want to be around them together... i have worked long and hard to build my self esteem and around them i feel like the guilty, wrong, stupid one.... i just want to run away in all honesty...


im waiting for more replies.... i dont see how my husband is being abusive or manipulating but my son yes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

You have come up with the solution yourself, if you are strong enough to do it. You said you want to run away.

Run if you can and live on your own. Your husband and son are destroying your life and you would be happier alone than to continue like this,

You just have to work out the logistics and be brave.

Please write back for more details.

I shall be happy to continue to help.

Warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

running away is really not the solution.................what other suggestions?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear friend,

If you cannot leave then you have to learn to cope with yoiur situation or bring your husband and son (either or preferably both) to a family therapist and begin working on solutions for all of you.

They are destroying you emotionally. It is your husband who has to learn to support you. He must change his behavior, and you must change how you respond to them.

If they will not change, and you cannot leave (which would be the ideal solution, even if for awhile), then you will have to learn to cope.

I urge you to purchase and use the following workbook that will help you deal with the stress generated by your life situation:

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Martha Davis, Elizabeth Robbins Eshelman and Matthew McKay

You will also find this next book very helpful in establishing safe emotional space for yourself. You can only change you and learn how to survive in this environment and that will require action.

Setting Boundaries® with Difficult People: Six Steps to SANITY for Challenging Relationships by Allison Bottke

I wish you great success and if I can be of further assistance, don't hesitate to get back to me.

Warm regards,


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