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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Elliot-Im hoping for your opinion. I wrote to you a few months

Customer Question

Elliot-I'm hoping for your opinion. I wrote to you a few months ago saying I had fallen in love with a man and had written him a letter telling him how I felt because I thought he felt the same way but wouldn't say anything because I am living with someone else-I never heard back from him so I guess that means he didn't feel the same way but I just wanted to know how you would have felt if you got a letter like that. I can't get the idea out of my head that he did care for me, so I thought maybe you, as an older man, could tell me what he might be thinking. This man is 64 and I am 54. He does have health problems and is living with his mother right now because of that, but if he felt the same way wouldn't he still have got in touch with me? I didn't give him an address or phone number but he does know where I work because that is where I met him. I guess I just can't get over my feelings for him and am looking for some hope that he does feel the same way. Thanks for any insight you can offer me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I'm Josie and I am a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when he is back online.

If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Thank you for requesting me. I will be delighted to help you.

If I had gotten such a letter from you I would have wanted to respond. I would send you an email, or write back, or give you a call.

You didn't leave him an address or phone number, perhaps because you did't want the person you are living with to see that you were communicating on the romantic level with someone else.

If I had gotten the letter I would think that you liked me an wanted to express your feelings to me. It would make me feel very good, but I would also have felt disappointed because you did not leave a way to get back to you, and I would think that you did not want a response. I would believe that you just wanted to make a statement. I would be happy and flattered, but also disappointed.

I would not rush over to where you work - my only way or replying - beause you didn't ask me to. I would not want to embarass you or make a fool out of myself, and so I would have had to let it go, no matter what.

If you still feel the same way, then drop him another line and ask to call you (or call at work) because you would like to talk to him, or make some other arrangement with which you would feel comfortable.

Perhaps you were unconsciously afraid of rejection an so limited his ability to respond. You sabotaged yourself from the start. Make it easier this next time. He may still be hoping and waiting for you.

I shall keep you in my prayers for success.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

But I did tell him that if he ever found that he had feelings for me and wanted to talk that he knew where he could find me. He was a temporary resident of the nursing home where I work. He was there recovering from hip surgery and that is how I got to know him. So I did let him know how to get in touch with me. He did stop in there a few times after he was discharged just to visit with some of the other residents (this was before I sent him the letter) so I don't think anyone would have thought it was too unusual if he had stopped in there to see me because people knew we were friendly because we both played piano and shared a love of music-I used to visit with him when I got off of work and listen to him play piano. One of the last times I saw him he was playing piano and we were just making general conversation and he said kind of quietly that he needed to get his life back to normal and he wanted to buy a house and find someone to be with because he was tired of being alone. He didn't look at me when he said this and then he changed the subject quickly. I have often thought since that was he trying to give me an opportunity to tell him how I felt? I wish to God now that I had told him then how I felt but I was too scared so I didn't say anything. This may seem odd to you but I have never been in love before and I guess I have a hard time understanding that you can feel this way about someone and they don't feel the same way. My feelings for him are so intense-I thought I had found my soul mate-to use that corny term. All the feelings that I have had hidden inside me my whole life came out when I met him and it's hard to face the fact that he wasn't feeling all the same things I was. As far as writing him again I don't want him to think that I'm some kind of stalker or some deranged woman that's going to keep harassing him. I told him if we saw each other somewhere I would never do or say anything to make him uncomfortable. So I guess I have done all I can do. I try to get over this but I just don't know how.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear fiend

Thanks for getting back to me.

Falling in love is not something that comes easily or often for most people. You have found someone that you not only love but believe that he is your soul mate, the one man that can fill your spirit completely.

For something that profound and important, throwing up your hands and saying, "oh well" and then giving up, sounds like a failure to follow through. This may be your fortune and your future.

You are not exactly stalking him by sending him another letter and giving him an opportunity to talk to you or meet you in private where you see if these feelings are mutual.

Instead of writing another letter like you did before, why don't you ask him out for lunch or coffee and give him a phone number and time where he can definitely reach you. Your cell phone would be best, XXXXX XXXXX when you can have some privacy should be chosen.

Are you going to give up your dream of happiness because you are afraid you might make someone uncomfortable for a few seconds?

That is not the way happy endings occur. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. You will forever regret that you did not make this one small effort.

You say that you will try to get over this but don't know how.

If you make the move and he accepts you won't have to lose him and you may wind up with the man of your dreams.

If you make the move and he rejects you, then it will be easier to move on and get closure.

If you don't make the move then you don't have to face the possibility of rejection for you have already sabotaged any chances of getting together.

You don't know how he feels or will feel until you spend some time with him. I encourage you to stop living in fear of failure. You are failing by not doing ENOUGH to try to meet up with him.

I would not be surpised if he really cares for you and is just as shy as you are.

Get out of your comfort zone and live.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well, thank you for your thoughts but I still feel like it is up to him to make the next move. I told him in the letter very clearly how I felt and that my feelings for him made me realize what has been missing in my life. So I really think if he had the same kind of feelings that I do he would not have been able to stay away. I think his health could be a factor because he was still on crutches the last time I saw him and I know he was supposed to have his other hip replaced but he went through so much hell with the first replacement that he was probably scared to have the other one done. So I don't know how he is doing physically. Also this is a small rural area and meeting someone in secret anywhere is practically impossible. I guess I just don't want him to think that I am not going to leave him alone and keep bothering him. He knows where to find me. I just keep hoping that maybe some day I will run into him somewhere and be able to talk a little. I guess until that happens I can't give up hope completely. I read somewhere that the first step in getting over someone is that you have to hear it directly from them that they don't feel the same way otherwise you keep false hope in your heart and I guess that is what my problem is. I need to hear from him that he doesn't feel the same way. Thanks for listening. I only have one friend that knows about all this and I stopped talking to her about it because I'm sure she is sick of hearing about it so sometimes I just need to be able to tell someone how I am feeling.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

You are very welcome. Perhaps you will cross paths again (and perhaps you might try to hasten the process somehow).

I wish you great success and I hope that I have helped you. Please let me know.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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