But I did tell him that if he ever found that he had feelings for me and wanted to talk that he knew where he could find me. He was a temporary resident of the nursing home where I work. He was there recovering from hip surgery and that is how I got to know him. So I did let him know how to get in touch with me. He did stop in there a few times after he was discharged just to visit with some of the other residents (this was before I sent him the letter) so I don't think anyone would have thought it was too unusual if he had stopped in there to see me because people knew we were friendly because we both played piano and shared a love of music-I used to visit with him when I got off of work and listen to him play piano. One of the last times I saw him he was playing piano and we were just making general conversation and he said kind of quietly that he needed to get his life back to normal and he wanted to buy a house and find someone to be with because he was tired of being alone. He didn't look at me when he said this and then he changed the subject quickly. I have often thought since that was he trying to give me an opportunity to tell him how I felt? I wish to God now that I had told him then how I felt but I was too scared so I didn't say anything. This may seem odd to you but I have never been in love before and I guess I have a hard time understanding that you can feel this way about someone and they don't feel the same way. My feelings for him are so intense-I thought I had found my soul mate-to use that corny term. All the feelings that I have had hidden inside me my whole life came out when I met him and it's hard to face the fact that he wasn't feeling all the same things I was. As far as writing him again I don't want him to think that I'm some kind of stalker or some deranged woman that's going to keep harassing him. I told him if we saw each other somewhere I would never do or say anything to make him uncomfortable. So I guess I have done all I can do. I try to get over this but I just don't know how.
Well, thank you for your thoughts but I still feel like it is up to him to make the next move. I told him in the letter very clearly how I felt and that my feelings for him made me realize what has been missing in my life. So I really think if he had the same kind of feelings that I do he would not have been able to stay away. I think his health could be a factor because he was still on crutches the last time I saw him and I know he was supposed to have his other hip replaced but he went through so much hell with the first replacement that he was probably scared to have the other one done. So I don't know how he is doing physically. Also this is a small rural area and meeting someone in secret anywhere is practically impossible. I guess I just don't want him to think that I am not going to leave him alone and keep bothering him. He knows where to find me. I just keep hoping that maybe some day I will run into him somewhere and be able to talk a little. I guess until that happens I can't give up hope completely. I read somewhere that the first step in getting over someone is that you have to hear it directly from them that they don't feel the same way otherwise you keep false hope in your heart and I guess that is what my problem is. I need to hear from him that he doesn't feel the same way. Thanks for listening. I only have one friend that knows about all this and I stopped talking to her about it because I'm sure she is sick of hearing about it so sometimes I just need to be able to tell someone how I am feeling.