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Ask Norman M. Your Own Question

Norman M.
Norman M., Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered, 10 years in relationship counselling, over 2,000 satisfied mental health customers.
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my husband i let home three weeks now what should i expect

Customer Question

my husband i let home three weeks now what should i expect from this
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Norman M. replied 3 years ago.
I need some more information, please, so that I can help you:

How long have you been together?
How long has your relationship been troubled, and what started thr trouble?
Has he beenfaithful to you during the relationship¿
What was happening between you immediately before the separation?
Did he leave of his own accord, or did you throw him out?
Has there been any physical or nmental violence in your relationship?
Why did you let him back?
Did you attach any conditions to his coming back?

All of these questions are important so that I can best help you.

Norman.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

13 years, 7 months staying out late or for days, don't know ,nothing , his own accord, no , love him and no

Expert:  Norman M. replied 3 years ago.

There are a few issues here that need to be approached.

The first of these is communication - in order for things to improve, your husband needs to understand with total clarity what his behavior is causing you to feel. No gentle hints here - right on the chin. It must NOT be done in an aggressive way, but firmly, and not in a blaming way. It's important to separate the behavior from the person. Make sure he understands that while you love him, his recent actions and unwillingness to talk about your issues is very hurtful, and is putting the long term future of your relationship at risk

We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Therefore, you have to give him reason to change

Here is the clue to sorting things out. When you are faced with non-co-operation – give him choices, and make sure he understands the consequences of his choice – and always follow through. It may well be that some joint therapy would help, allowing you both to air your problems in front of someone who is outside the situation and who has no particular axe to grind. I suggest you consider this, and offer it to him as an option

I think you also need to make it very clear, and commit yourself to this, that in talking over your mutual problems, you will not let the discussion deteriorate into a blame and accusation session – that is vitally important. It is equally important that he understands why you need to talk, and that what you want is a good relationship, not just to hash over your differences.

Stay calm, remain objective and avoid drama, but stick to your guns.

As to what you can expect, this is a question we are often asked here, and which none of us can answer with any certainty, because individual responses to situations are quite unpredictable.

What I will say is this. He is probably feeling anxious and vulnerable, and what he needs right now is tough love. Love and reassurance yes, but on condition that he does his part in resolving the problems in your marriage.

Best wishes,

Norman.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

he moved outwithout us talking

Expert:  Norman M. replied 3 years ago.
He obviously has a problem, and whatever it is, you will never start to resolve it until he opens up and starts to communicate with you.

As I said before " The first of these is communication - in order for things to improve, your husband needs to understand with total clarity what his behavior is causing you to feel. No gentle hints here - right on the chin. It must NOT be done in an aggressive way, but firmly, and not in a blaming way. It's important to separate the behavior from the person. Make sure he understands that while you love him, his recent actions and unwillingness to talk about your issues is very hurtful, and is putting the long term future of your relationship at risk."

You need to get this over to him. If he wants to be with you, he needs to tell you what he feels is wrong.

Very often, men do not want either to acknowledge that they have a problem, or to talk about it. Often they see those things as a weakness, something that takes away from their masculinity.

Reassure him that it takes courage, it takes a real man to face up to problems and talk about them.

Getting him to open up is the key to the whole situation.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

my husband seent me divorce papers what do i do

Expert:  Norman M. replied 3 years ago.
Immedayely get legal advice as to what your options are. Additionally, if you want him back, try to get in touch and re-establish communication. Sadly, however, it looks as if his mind is made up

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