I agree, Elliott. He says he can't fire her because she has no other source of income. Well, she had no income before she met him. (former teacher who had some tragic life events...husbands death, etc...not very stable). She rented a house on some land we bought and she never paid any rent (did do a few odd jobs and then he hired her for his business!). She was working off the rent for the other owner, also. He says that now she is the most reliable one he has on staff (small business of only 6 people). Pretty scary! He is a great liar about all of this and often lies to me when he just doesn't want to discuss something. Everyone thinks he is the greatest of the great. Before this, so did I. He says he had no idea they were talking so much on the phone.....that he didn't time it!!! They would talk for 3 or 4 hours at a time when he was traveling, sometimes in to the early hours of the morning. And this happened many, many times for all these years. Even when in town....his job is 40 minutes away from where we live......he still talked to her daily when she/he wasn't at the office. and of course, they were together part of every day.
He now says that he is no longer talking to her on the phone.....and our phone bill doesn't show that they are talking much anymore, but they could have other phones......and rarely sees her at the office. He says their contact is very limited now. He says when he realized how unhappy all of this made me that he cut it all out. I find it very hard to believe that after the close relationship, the infatuation, that they seemed to have had all these years that it just ended, almost immediately, when I got so upset about it, when I discovered it. I really can't see that happening. Our relationship had improved, but I still can't imagine that he ended it with her. When I asked what she thought about no more mega-long conversations, he said she asked why he wasn't calling anymore. I doubt that would have been the entire conversation considering the relationship they had. So who knows what is happening now......same old thing, I imagine.
He says we would be fine if I could just move on from this......although there has been very little conversation about it. He thinks I am obsessing about it.....I am!!! He assures me there was no affair! Only a close friendship.....HA. And he says he loves me, not her......what else would he say! And he refuses to move out like I asked him to do. So, I am not sure what to do next. I don't know whether to demand that he fire her if he wants to stay married to me......don't know if he would even do that. Don't think I could ever trust him again. HATE it that I still love him. Guess I should just file for divorce.....hate that too!!!
Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(DSM IV - TR)
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Narcissists are sociopaths, meaning they cannot feel empathy. Your husband is not capable of feeling you pain and suffering. It cannot touch him. He cannot imagine it just as a blind man cannot see.
Get the books. Splitting will help you get to and through a divorce.
I am sorry, but this will be a new day and new life for you.
I shall keep you in my prayers. I am here if you need me.