I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.
It is very sad and frustrating to see how this relationship started, very soon as you said, and evolved the way it did.
is this a chat?
Yes, it is
th the last time i submitted a question to justanswer i received my reply via an email/answer
wil i be charged additional for this
If you do not feel comfortable with it, no problem, I opt out
no i am checking if there are additional charges.
No, there is no additional charge for chat
well what do you think really happened? I am confused and feel i am to blame
however theres also a part of me wondering how he could just leave and never look back
not even replying one word or text
do men ever feel remorse or pain
or eventually would they realise
he walked out on a 2 year ive in relationship
while ive known him to be a very responsible person
From the very beginning the differences and some limitations were obvious, but the intensity of your connection, what you were sharing emotionally and the willingness she showed to make it work were just good enough for you to let it grow, and you were very vulnerable just having your divorce and longing for something real
furthermore we lived together...it was a sort of a marriage and we did everything together
At the same time the initial concerns around his finances, passivity to make changes and grow, codependency very present in his family life and then avoidance to share as before because of his feelings of inferiority, were all leading to the end of it, not because of any mistake in your approach or love towards him, but mostly because of his own choices and actions not o make necessary changes during the time you were together.
maybe i pushed him too much? he said i pushed him to a breaking point
by pressuring him and not ustanding his situation
Right you did, but you also acknowledged he was never truly focused on making any significant improvements in his situation in order to take better care and promote the relationship growth and mutual fulfillment, he was more like adjusting to what he had, while feeling frustrated and inferior.
he claims during the fight i was verbally abusive towards him and he was hurt
and that was what caused him to leave and not the other stuff
his sister says that her brother just doesnt want me anymore and i should live with it
she says that ... if we were married they cld advice their brother
but we just lived together so she cant do anything
and she said it was my fault in a way for not respecting myself
We are talking here about one episode were there was confrontation based on core serious issue, something that needed to change, and for a person in his shoes it justify leaving the way he did because of it, shows he was looking for it and not being a victim of abuse pushing him away from it. I think he used that episode as an excuse to leave you, blaming you for everything without taking any responsibility for the role he played in the relatiosnhip for those two years.
can i show u the email he sent me?
I have never wanted to message you nor email you ever. But since you have been bombarding me with stupid email and msgs, I think its time i speak up.
Nobody in his shoes who truly cares, respects and has real feelings for his partner leaves the way he did, and it's clear his family enables him, the same way they promote and perpetuate the codependency before anything.
that makes me think im at fault a lot
the incident in that email where hes talking bt his sis...
she called me to collect his things
and i politely said could he come get it himself
but she cld me a rude person and shouted at me...then she told him i threatened her
i tried to tell him i did not
but he wouldnt believe me
he called me a psycho who is emotionally abused
he says he left because when he asked me during the fight if i wanted him to leave and when i said 'watever'(naturally out of anger) because i was crying
but he said that meant i didnt want him to stay
he is known to do this to ppl who hurt him....just walk away...n never look bad
he had a small disagreement with a close friend n did the same...never forgave him or looked back
stimes i think i have a part to play in this...and i have learned fr my mistakes and willing to change and make it work
but he just does not want to
the sister says if i had just left him alone to cool down maybe he would have changed his mind but because i kept messagin him i drew him away and further made him stick to his decision
but isnt messaging someone after a sudden breakup a natural reaction for the dumpee
another excuse he used is that i always on my phone
which he never had an issue with previously
I agree with you, and as I said before, nobody who truly cares after a two year relationship suddenly leaves feeling fine with it the way he did.
do u think he will ever feel remorse or guilt?
is this normal?
so how does a real man leave properly in a situation like mine?
if he claims he is pushed to a breaking point?
stimes he sounds to me like a borderline narcissist...only lkg at things fr his point of view....and justifying fr his point of view.
There was no real honesty then, he was not sharing what he thought felt, wanted, but he knew very well and he was and is the only one responsible for his own feelings. In a relationship both partners are responsible for everything that happens, and in the way things ended it seems clear to me he left it that easy and instantly, showing the nature of his feelings and commitment
do you think guys like this will ever learn their lesson one day
i mean there must be some justice
i did him a lot.....bought him stuff...took care of his faily
i believed him a lot
You are right. Not every man acts this way, and it is not normal but very dysfunctional and abusive, I'd say even traumatizing, since he took that incident as the way to justify leaving that fast.
despite the flaws we bth had....seems like we hit it off to eveyrone and to us
his family jsut told me well we support out son and if he decides one day he wants u back...we will support him too
its as if im a doll to be discarded and then wanted back again
It seems you even spoiled him a lot, and he did not deserve it since he was not working on making any improvements to take good care of the relationship, but getting more distant, avoidant and resentful, feeling inferior and pushing you away.
but that was only in the final feww days
before that he behaved normal
his sister did tell me
that he had told someone earlier in the weeks that he didnt think i was the one
His actions shows a person who is very immature, neglectful, passive and codependent, enabled by a codependent family, even while already being an adult.
and he didnt think he wanted to marry after all (earlier he said he did)
if so, how can such a person be totally selfless and loving for 2 years
was it all an act?
or what he thought was a relationship to him?
by the way how much time do i have left with u? i need to break for lunch....
he spent 2 years to convince me he was not all of the above
why would he even bother
when there are others he can easily get
hes handsoe and projects an outer appearance of a well to do and matured person when in reality its not
Each person do share and experience feelings in unique ways, always filtered by their personal issues, maturity, personality, level of insight, sensitivity, assertiveness,past issues and everything experience, positive or destructive. Thus love could become a very unhealthy and dysfunctional, selfish and abusive experience depending on the person's unique path-reality.
well thank you
ineed to break for lunch
can i continue or wil there be charges later
You're very welcome
We can continue for a little more,no extra charges just be mindful of the time
ok bt i have to go now for two hours
can we continue in two hours time?
Sure , we could chat for a few minutes then
thank you very much
see u in a bit
Bye for now
i am back
how many minutes do i ahve
I could give you 5 more minutes
so you think this is not all my fault
and he has some responsibility to play in it no matter how bad the fight got in the end right
Always both partners have responsibility on what happens in a relationship, to think otherwise would be very unfair and even abusive
he did not even give me achance to hear me out
to talk about fixing it
Anybody using one fight as a good reason to end a long term relationship, is obviously manipulating-abusing the situation to justify his actions-abandonment
ive asked many people and they same the same but i wanted to convince myself by sepaking to an expert like now
ive been beating myself up unneccessarily
He is not an adolescent but acts like one, because as I said, it is unacceptable for a person to leave the way he did because of one fight
You got truly attache to this person and to the hopes and expectations you treasured about him and your relationship, but he chose to leave that easily, it's truly shocking very frustrating and overwhelming for most people in your shoes,, but it seems consistent with the personal issues and deficiencies you describe he has and the dysfunction present in his family too, specially around the codependency.
Please work on becoming truly unconditionally gentle, understanding, supportive and compassionate with yourself, for you to take good care of yourself and not to allow anybody to use, abuse, manipulate or neglect you. This is a very painful experience, but you need and can heal from it, focusing on sharing with those people how truly happen to respect you, share your core values, beliefs and life style, meeting your needs and expectations. Work on promoting truly reciprocal relationships.
I want to thank you for being this open and honest here. Thank you for trusting me.
thank you very much for your advice
i would definitely use this service again in future
You're very welcome. Take gentle care and feel free to contact me back, since I am willing to support you as possible. I am glad to hear that.
:o) Bye for now
(Please remember to rate session before leaving chat, thanks).
Remember my question above, well he returned 3 months later to ask for forgiveness. He said he was immature and willing to work things out. 7 months down the road things were ok but then soon enough he displayed the same behaviour of insecurity which cause petty fights....the financial issues were there....he jsut got a new job and he was pushing away from me mentally and physically. Finnaly during an argument i asked him if he wanted to end it and he said yes but he didnt want to look like the bad guy and end it and asked me to decide. So i ended....he left immediately saying he was sorry and he loved me a lot but i asked him to leave, and he would use his new career to get himself back on track...as he was upset and hurt...
Am confused and sad....and feeling down. I feel i drove him away at one hand another i know he waned to go as well but who cause it to deteriorate?
Yes it does, i guess i was holding on the idea of not being lonely again and I accepted him back without assurance of a commitment or plan...leaving me hurt in the end.
I realise i am not responsible for his lack of wanting to make changes or think about both of our wellbeing but he was only thinking about his. I am not responsible for his insecurity. Even when he said he does not see a future for us, I still clung on to him.
Everyone around me is telling me he will come back again someday and when that day comes I must be strong and not take him back again. Everything happens for a reason, perhaps God does not want this person to be in my life for my own good.