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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I didnt see it coming. He just upped and left. Its been almost

Customer Question

I didn't see it coming. He just upped and left. It's been almost 2 months now.

I met him a few months after I my divorce. We locked eyes in a restaurant, and it was instant attraction. Someone in his table knew me by name and the next day he requested me as a friend on fb, we started chatting and we met up. The following week we had a one night stand kinda thing....but it really felt more than that for both of us. We were attracted to each other, had a lot in common, moving too fast too soon, long story short two months later from spending two nights a week at my place, he was there 4 nights a week and then before we both knew what was happening we were living together.

The first year was bliss, while I acknowledged the fact that he was not earning as much as I did and had much financial issues, it was not a problem for me. I was guarded with my money but I was not fussy when he did not share the load with rent and bills and stuff....since he more than made up for it by doing all the household cleaning and treating me like an absolute princess with so much respect. I was still guarded and sceptical but slowly in the second year started to fall deeply in love with him. He brought me to see his family, who loved me much and things were absolutely perfect. surprisingly they had no issues that I was a divorcee.

Evryone knew i was finally happy, happier than when i was married to someone who couldnt be loyal. everyone said we looked perfect together and he was so in love with me....he declared his love of me to EVERYONE....and I thought he was it. He overpromised me a lot of things...marriage after 2 yrs, help with the bills etc and he said he was confident he can do it.....he promised and assured me many times throughout the years but could not deliver - repeatedly he gave me excuses.

as time passed on the financial issues cropped up....his situation seemed stagnant and we couldnt take any vacations or go out much...hed always want to stay in....and even if i offered to pay he would not always want it that way and rather stayed in. We did go out occasionally. He had an inferiority complex and was always insecure....about himself and about me being with him.

he felt he wasnt good enough....eventhough i said he was ok and we can work through the challenges. He wasnt doing anything extra either to correct his financial situation....and his family hd the same issues....they were all living off his sisters husband...parents unemployed 40 yr old brothers and the parents said nothing...it was ok to them.

and by this time he still hadnt been able to help pay for anything let alone...suport himself properly. he was borrowing money to pay for basic stuff of his like car insurance he even borrowed from his mother. But he was still kind and loving and treated me well. However i was getting frustrated and he could see it too....then we started having little fights mst initiated by me....and sometimes i would be a little rough with my words....and he is very overemotional and sensitive, and being had a big ego....couldnt take it or ustand that it was actually me being frustrated at our situation and we had stuff we needed to fix...i noticed he was slowly being distant in the last few weeks...and one day after an argument, he packed his stuff and just left. I called him back apologising, begging doing everything that this forum says a girl should not....but he wouldnt budge. He just told me this: I dont love you anymore. its over. i think you should move on.just like that.

He kept repeating it to me and everyone who asked him y we brokeup and he was so overconfident and firm. And he walked away just like that, leaving me in a big emotional mess.....the month that followed....I did everything I shouldnt.....i think you would all know. the house was full of memories and it hurt wherever i looked...But he didnt budge. totally ignored me. I tried NC and failed many times. in in a last ditch attempt i got angry.... I just couldnt come to terms that my wonderful loving bf turned into a cold hearted monster after that. Even when he wanted to take his stuff, he sent a third party to do so as he said he didnt want to see my face anymore. later that day i saw a picture of him hvg a drink with his friends in a pub looking very happy.

He only replied me one time after the whole months of ignoring me after the breakup. He said he is not dating anyone and hes hurt with me because of the fight and he wants me to move on and goodluck and live my life to the fullest. He said he is happy being alone and he loves himself as he is. it was firm as his breakup speech. he said i blew it. i felt deeply guilty in someway....i am now starting NC 5 days alredy...and i hope i can forget him in time. I have acknowledged i need to learn to let go

When i think back on the above, i think he had already thought about it earlier and decided he couldnt cut it with us but it hurts to know. seems unfair. nd an experts advice.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very sad and frustrating to see how this relationship started, very soon as you said, and evolved the way it did.

Customer:

is this a chat?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, it is

Customer:

th the last time i submitted a question to justanswer i received my reply via an email/answer

Customer:

wil i be charged additional for this

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you do not feel comfortable with it, no problem, I opt out

Customer:

no i am checking if there are additional charges.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, there is no additional charge for chat

Customer:

ok thanks

Customer:

well what do you think really happened? I am confused and feel i am to blame

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem

Customer:

however theres also a part of me wondering how he could just leave and never look back

Customer:

not even replying one word or text

Customer:

do men ever feel remorse or pain

Customer:

or eventually would they realise

Customer:

he walked out on a 2 year ive in relationship

Customer:

while ive known him to be a very responsible person

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From the very beginning the differences and some limitations were obvious, but the intensity of your connection, what you were sharing emotionally and the willingness she showed to make it work were just good enough for you to let it grow, and you were very vulnerable just having your divorce and longing for something real

Customer:

furthermore we lived together...it was a sort of a marriage and we did everything together

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

At the same time the initial concerns around his finances, passivity to make changes and grow, codependency very present in his family life and then avoidance to share as before because of his feelings of inferiority, were all leading to the end of it, not because of any mistake in your approach or love towards him, but mostly because of his own choices and actions not o make necessary changes during the time you were together.

Customer:

maybe i pushed him too much? he said i pushed him to a breaking point

Customer:

by pressuring him and not ustanding his situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right you did, but you also acknowledged he was never truly focused on making any significant improvements in his situation in order to take better care and promote the relationship growth and mutual fulfillment, he was more like adjusting to what he had, while feeling frustrated and inferior.

Customer:

he claims during the fight i was verbally abusive towards him and he was hurt

Customer:

and that was what caused him to leave and not the other stuff

Customer:

his sister says that her brother just doesnt want me anymore and i should live with it

Customer:

she says that ... if we were married they cld advice their brother

Customer:

but we just lived together so she cant do anything

Customer:

and she said it was my fault in a way for not respecting myself

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

We are talking here about one episode were there was confrontation based on core serious issue, something that needed to change, and for a person in his shoes it justify leaving the way he did because of it, shows he was looking for it and not being a victim of abuse pushing him away from it. I think he used that episode as an excuse to leave you, blaming you for everything without taking any responsibility for the role he played in the relatiosnhip for those two years.

Customer:

can i show u the email he sent me?

Customer:

I have never wanted to message you nor email you ever. But since you have been bombarding me with stupid email and msgs, I think its time i speak up.


The only reason i never wanted to reply you because i didnt want to make it worst. Anyways thats out of the door because of your stupidity. I have always said to you before if we fight and break im going to go and never turn back nor msg you. I told you i would dissapear. The day i left, i asked you many times and even said that im not happy to go. And what did you do?? Just stare at your phone. Even that day i said sorry and you went all goo goo gaa gaa and said thats all you wanted and happy that all is resolved. You are just f**ked up. I knew that wouldnt be the last of you.

Have you thought about it once why i left. Nope. The only dumbass thing you could do was to read some shit on the internet and post it to me and say some crap bout how lucky you found out what kind of person i was.

FYI, im not the one who always cause unnecessary problems and stuck up on the corner of the chair and faced the shit ass phone. I gave you utmost respect and showed you love. Even at times you said the most nastiest things.

Even then i always forgave and forgot about the problems we had and started new. Every single bloody time. you have got an attitude problem that you can never change even if you wished. I could care less about how you feel right now.

Another thing, i didnt ask my sister to go and get anything from you. I merely told her about the passport and how was i gona take it back from you. You and her shared some conversation after the break up which i didnt know about. She treated you nicely and she did wat she think is right which is why ask other ppl to collect it and hurt you so she decided she collect and see you one shot. TO SEE HOW WERE YOU DOING.

And how did you treat her?? check your msgs before asking others to do so. You have got an emotional problem that i believe will never go away.

I tell you now, I am not gonna msg or email you after this as i believe thats a stupid thing to do. Seeing how you behaved and said things the way you did, i believe i made the right choice. Whether you read or not i am not bothered.

Good Bye.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Nobody in his shoes who truly cares, respects and has real feelings for his partner leaves the way he did, and it's clear his family enables him, the same way they promote and perpetuate the codependency before anything.

Customer:

that makes me think im at fault a lot

Customer:

the incident in that email where hes talking bt his sis...

Customer:

she called me to collect his things

Customer:

and i politely said could he come get it himself

Customer:

but she cld me a rude person and shouted at me...then she told him i threatened her

Customer:

i tried to tell him i did not

Customer:

but he wouldnt believe me

Customer:

he called me a psycho who is emotionally abused

Customer:

he says he left because when he asked me during the fight if i wanted him to leave and when i said 'watever'(naturally out of anger) because i was crying

Customer:

but he said that meant i didnt want him to stay

Customer:

he is known to do this to ppl who hurt him....just walk away...n never look bad

Customer:

he had a small disagreement with a close friend n did the same...never forgave him or looked back

Customer:

stimes i think i have a part to play in this...and i have learned fr my mistakes and willing to change and make it work

Customer:

but he just does not want to

Customer:

the sister says if i had just left him alone to cool down maybe he would have changed his mind but because i kept messagin him i drew him away and further made him stick to his decision

Customer:

but isnt messaging someone after a sudden breakup a natural reaction for the dumpee

Customer:

another excuse he used is that i always on my phone

Customer:

which he never had an issue with previously

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you, and as I said before, nobody who truly cares after a two year relationship suddenly leaves feeling fine with it the way he did.

Customer:

do u think he will ever feel remorse or guilt?

Customer:

is this normal?

Customer:

so how does a real man leave properly in a situation like mine?

Customer:

if he claims he is pushed to a breaking point?

Customer:

stimes he sounds to me like a borderline narcissist...only lkg at things fr his point of view....and justifying fr his point of view.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There was no real honesty then, he was not sharing what he thought felt, wanted, but he knew very well and he was and is the only one responsible for his own feelings. In a relationship both partners are responsible for everything that happens, and in the way things ended it seems clear to me he left it that easy and instantly, showing the nature of his feelings and commitment

Customer:

do you think guys like this will ever learn their lesson one day

Customer:

i mean there must be some justice

Customer:

in life

Customer:

i did him a lot.....bought him stuff...took care of his faily

Customer:

family

Customer:

i believed him a lot

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are right. Not every man acts this way, and it is not normal but very dysfunctional and abusive, I'd say even traumatizing, since he took that incident as the way to justify leaving that fast.

Customer:

despite the flaws we bth had....seems like we hit it off to eveyrone and to us

Customer:

his family jsut told me well we support out son and if he decides one day he wants u back...we will support him too

Customer:

its as if im a doll to be discarded and then wanted back again

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It seems you even spoiled him a lot, and he did not deserve it since he was not working on making any improvements to take good care of the relationship, but getting more distant, avoidant and resentful, feeling inferior and pushing you away.

Customer:

but that was only in the final feww days

Customer:

before that he behaved normal

Customer:

on hindsight

Customer:

his sister did tell me

Customer:

that he had told someone earlier in the weeks that he didnt think i was the one

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His actions shows a person who is very immature, neglectful, passive and codependent, enabled by a codependent family, even while already being an adult.

Customer:

and he didnt think he wanted to marry after all (earlier he said he did)

Customer:

if so, how can such a person be totally selfless and loving for 2 years

Customer:

was it all an act?

Customer:

or what he thought was a relationship to him?

Customer:

by the way how much time do i have left with u? i need to break for lunch....

Customer:

he spent 2 years to convince me he was not all of the above

Customer:

why would he even bother

Customer:

when there are others he can easily get

Customer:

hes handsoe and projects an outer appearance of a well to do and matured person when in reality its not

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each person do share and experience feelings in unique ways, always filtered by their personal issues, maturity, personality, level of insight, sensitivity, assertiveness,past issues and everything experience, positive or destructive. Thus love could become a very unhealthy and dysfunctional, selfish and abusive experience depending on the person's unique path-reality.

Customer:

i see

Customer:

well thank you

Customer:

ineed to break for lunch

Customer:

can i continue or wil there be charges later

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

We can continue for a little more,no extra charges just be mindful of the time

Customer:

ok bt i have to go now for two hours

Customer:

can we continue in two hours time?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure , we could chat for a few minutes then

Customer:

thank you very much

Customer:

see u in a bit

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now

Customer:

hello

Customer:

i am back

Customer:

how many minutes do i ahve

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I could give you 5 more minutes

Customer:

thats great

Customer:

thank you

Customer:

so you think this is not all my fault

Customer:

and he has some responsibility to play in it no matter how bad the fight got in the end right

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Always both partners have responsibility on what happens in a relationship, to think otherwise would be very unfair and even abusive

Customer:

he did not even give me achance to hear me out

Customer:

to talk about fixing it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Anybody using one fight as a good reason to end a long term relationship, is obviously manipulating-abusing the situation to justify his actions-abandonment

Customer:

ive asked many people and they same the same but i wanted to convince myself by sepaking to an expert like now

Customer:

ive been beating myself up unneccessarily

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is not an adolescent but acts like one, because as I said, it is unacceptable for a person to leave the way he did because of one fight

Customer:

i see

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You got truly attache to this person and to the hopes and expectations you treasured about him and your relationship, but he chose to leave that easily, it's truly shocking very frustrating and overwhelming for most people in your shoes,, but it seems consistent with the personal issues and deficiencies you describe he has and the dysfunction present in his family too, specially around the codependency.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please work on becoming truly unconditionally gentle, understanding, supportive and compassionate with yourself, for you to take good care of yourself and not to allow anybody to use, abuse, manipulate or neglect you. This is a very painful experience, but you need and can heal from it, focusing on sharing with those people how truly happen to respect you, share your core values, beliefs and life style, meeting your needs and expectations. Work on promoting truly reciprocal relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I want to thank you for being this open and honest here. Thank you for trusting me.

Customer:

thank you very much for your advice

Customer:

:)

Customer:

i would definitely use this service again in future

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Take gentle care and feel free to contact me back, since I am willing to support you as possible. I am glad to hear that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

:o) Bye for now

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Please remember to rate session before leaving chat, thanks).

Customer:

okay

Customer:

:)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks, bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 5 months ago.

Hello Rafael,


 


Remember my question above, well he returned 3 months later to ask for forgiveness. He said he was immature and willing to work things out. 7 months down the road things were ok but then soon enough he displayed the same behaviour of insecurity which cause petty fights....the financial issues were there....he jsut got a new job and he was pushing away from me mentally and physically. Finnaly during an argument i asked him if he wanted to end it and he said yes but he didnt want to look like the bad guy and end it and asked me to decide. So i ended....he left immediately saying he was sorry and he loved me a lot but i asked him to leave, and he would use his new career to get himself back on track...as he was upset and hurt...


 


Am confused and sad....and feeling down. I feel i drove him away at one hand another i know he waned to go as well but who cause it to deteriorate?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 5 months ago.
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Customer: replied 4 months ago.

Yes it does, i guess i was holding on the idea of not being lonely again and I accepted him back without assurance of a commitment or plan...leaving me hurt in the end.


 


I realise i am not responsible for his lack of wanting to make changes or think about both of our wellbeing but he was only thinking about his. I am not responsible for his insecurity. Even when he said he does not see a future for us, I still clung on to him.


 


Everyone around me is telling me he will come back again someday and when that day comes I must be strong and not take him back again. Everything happens for a reason, perhaps God does not want this person to be in my life for my own good.


 


Thank you.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 4 months ago.
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