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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I just found out accidentally my fiance of 3+ years has been

Resolved Question:

I just found out accidentally my fiance of 3+ years has been cheating on me with many other women while out of town on business, claiming to be single. We have a blended family of 4 kids and the first two of our three years together was long distance, the last year we moved in together and joined families.

He tells me that it's because he doesn't know how to be/stay vulnerable and he was "running away". I knew before finding out about the cheating that he's always struggled with emotional intimacy - but he made me feel different (at first).

He claims that he wants to change, get counseling, that he can't imagine life without me. I want to believe him (I know others have fought successfully through big issues like this) but I fear he'll just keep doing it and I'll never know. Maybe not for a while, but eventually.

Does a serial cheater ever stop? Do I go forward with counseling (him alone and us together) or do I just throw away the last 3 years of my life and all I've felt for him and walk away?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming and painful reality you are facing right now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here is very serious, since it does not show an isolated episode, but a person who has been in a long term committed relationship with children, and has systematically betrayed you with several women for a long period of time. A person who cares or even respects his partner and children would not engage in such dysfunctional pattern for that long. He could be really addicted to love & sex, and that does not mean he is a victim of an addiction, but that he needs professional psychological treatment for that, and that unless he truly commits to his rehabilitation process, and works hard on it, he would not be fine but get worse with time. Trusting a person with these personality/behavioral pattern would be very naive and self-sabotaging, sine core issues they use to present include denial, justification, manipulation, avoidance, secrecy and more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you can see it is not easy but tough to be in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He would have to literally transform his self and life style in order to really rehabilitate, otherwise it woud not happen, and it would take long term, it will never happen in a couple of months for sure.

Customer:

Hi Rafael, thank you for your reply.

Customer:

There is one more thing that is weird and I cannot reconcile it...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for joining the chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What's this?

Customer:

I am 13 years younger than him - fit, intelligent & attractive. The last two years of the three years together he would only be interested in sex with me 2-3 times per month...I could never figure it out. I NEVER suspected he was cheating on me. He is turning 52 and I thought it was his changing labido - even though he takes perscription testoterone and has the T levels of a 30 year old. Now of course I understand he was getting sex everywhere else (there's 19 women I know he dated, 3 which he slept with - just in one year alone). Why am I not able to be enough for him - even though I was the one he lives with, takes to work functions (he's a high level VP for AT&T) and actually wanted to marry? Should I just assume I was "camouflage" for him? I feel his love for me and I think in some way he thinks I'm different from these other girls...but he seems to have no desire for me - even now when he's trying to "win" me back. I'm so confused.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry, it is tough to be in your shoes and only you know how it feels, but what you describe here shoes this person is truly a love and sex addict, who has been using and neglecting you for this long, and his ways of doing doings are obviously abusive, since disregard every basic respect a person would-should have towards another. Now you need to assess what you are truly willing to afford here. Some women in your shoes feel they want to keep in the relationship because of the positive things they find in it. Some would give one of several chances since feeling very attached to them and hopeless without their partner regardless of the neglect and lack of fulfillment. Some women would not feel able to forgive and leave. Other would try hard and forgive until they find out things remain the same. Unhappily many who push themselves to trust end self-sabotaging.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many do try to forgive and trust, and even when after years of real changes are obvious, they find that within themselves they cannot really love that person no matter how hard they try. Only you know what you are willing to afford, but please be very realistic since this is not going to change in a coupe of moths if it changes at all.

Customer:

That's good advice Rafael and I needed the clarity from a professional.

Customer:

BTW I did leave...I'm living with family and looking for work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do not trust nice words at all. Focus on concrete behaviors, since only they show much more about reality, much harder to manipulate in the long run.

Customer:

ahh true

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I congratulate and support your decision!

Customer:

well i'm on my own, but it's silly that knowing all i know it's still hard to tell him the final goodbye.

Customer:

that's why i needed your help :)

Customer:

thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your first right, need and responsibility is to respect, supprot , love and take good care of yourself, from there you would be able to take good care of those you love who depend on you, and not to allow anybody to use, abuse, manipulate or neglect you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for being this honest here and for trusting me.

Customer:

I've rated you excellent :) take care!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is tough, but necessary and worthy for sure. This is why you need all the help you could get from your "healthy" support system, and ideally from individual counseling.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You too. Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX now :o)

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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