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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi, i have been married with a man for almost 12 years. We

Resolved Question:

Hi, i have been married with a man for almost 12 years. We had a prenuptial agreement, no problem for me but, during all this long years my husband keep me out of everything in our marriage or any business hi starts is to his kid name, not bank joing account, not nothing whatsoever. I can't change nothing at home, even to paint a wall is a problem for his daugther. I'm in a point that I can't take anymore. I recently asked him we should get our own home and leave this one to his kids ( after all they are going to inherit it anyways)
He say not. He will inherit a very good amount of money from his very old father and I thought maybe we could do that , but his answer is a real not!! I'm sad because I feel I wasted all those years and I don't have right whatsoever in this marriage. I was married before , I have three grown kids who's are married and live away from us.
I love my my husband in spite of we had a very difficult marriage and being through a lot , I don't see any intention from him to do think if I deserve my own house, I'm not sure how right I'm on this I need some advice please. I don't have bad relationship with his kids but, they always act like not matter what do they don't put their guard on me.
I'm 52 my husband is 63
Thanks
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation.

Customer:

Thanks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Customer:

Are you a real person or a robot?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe is very concerning, since it shows that this marriage has not built based on mutual trust and caring for each other, but on very obvious limitations deeply undermining the quality of it, from how healthy it has been to the level of fulfillment is has brought into your life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am a professional psychotherapist, my name is XXXXX XXXXX you can be sure that I am not a robot or a computer program.

Customer:

Ok sorry for tithe question, I believe you now

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, problem.

Customer:

Yes I know, I consider myself a mature person that have a ideal how to find answer to my problems but right now

Customer:

I don't know what todo , I fell like I should leave my husband so he can have some reflexion about it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you do need and deserve to be considered and treated as a real life partner or spouse, instead of getting this alienated, since one thing is to have some limits and necessary boundaries in relationships, but what you described seems clearly excessive to the point of alienating you, taking away the very possibility for you to develop and enjoy a healthy, mutually respectful and fulfilling relationship. It seems like he has been protecting his personal and family property and finances from being stolen or undermined by a stranger who happens to be there.

Customer:

myismy English is my second language so maybe it doesn't sound perfect

Customer:

He went through a very hard divorce but I don't think I shoul be paying for that

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's sad and very frustrating to behold your situation, and only you know how painful it has been for you to go through it for the past 12 years. It's obvious to me that you do not feel happy, fine nor fulfilled by this reality at all. I believe you love your husband as you stated, but that you cannot deny how frustrated, alone and relegated you have felt all this long because of his ways to share and be in your marriage-life.

Customer:

yes

Customer:

is so sad and disappointed

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. I believe people get hurt and if they do not work on their own healing, on resolving their personal issues, they take them into new relationships, and could actually use, abuse, neglect and manipulate new partners-spouses; which is never acceptable, but always painful.

Customer:

I had to others hard relationships before, I got married when I got 18 with a young man

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree that if you do not feel truly respected, understood, loved and supported in your marriage after this long, it is necessary for you to take some consistent actions to see if your husband comes to terms with the fact that being this unfair and selfish is not acceptable, that it does not work for you, that you also need to feel your core needs and expectations fulfilled by being regarded as a real wife, as a number one priority in his life and not just somebody he shares with , while totally dismissing how you feel and how it affects you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then perhaps because of past neglect and abuse you underwent, you have allowed this very dysfunctional reality to be perpetuated these so many years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I truly believe you deserve to be and feel truly fulfilled and happy with your life at all levels. Yous aid this marriage has been problematic from the beginning and you have gone through a lot, but it also has been and continue to be so limited and I'd say handicapped because of his approach leaving you away this much.

Customer:

Before i got married to a pastor of a church , I was just 18 I he was a good young man who was recovered from drugs and he came back to drugs when I was pregnant of my daugther and that was a long battle until I left him be I could no deal with that any more , it last for three years

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know that. That was truly traumatic and overwhelming, even more because you were much more vulnerable because of your pregnancy. Unhappily when people have distorted, unhealthy values, any form of control, manipulation, neglect and abuse could happen, and they could feel entitle to do as they think base don such distortions. That's why you need to take full responsibility for your own choices and actions, to take good care of yourself and not to allow anybody under any circumstance to use, abuse or neglect you. You cannot control anybody, but you can and should control your own choices and actions to build the reality you long for with those people capable and willing to share this path with you.

Customer:

Then after 2 year I got married again for 10 years with another man also a very complicate man , divorced, with two kids,since I was divorced too and with my two kids I thought I was ok because we were in the same situation , but it was years of argument for your kids or my kids, plus he had a lot of affairs that I try to ignorah bec I was afraid to star over again but one day I took the decision and move with my kid and our kid

Customer:

iEmily guess in order for you to know about me I have to trellis you the story of mylife

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You really went through a lot, and all these experiences show how out of love you allowed abuse and neglect, chronic ones, and this could be rooted on codependency problems, created from longer ago and reinforced by these dysfunctional relationships.

Customer:

all that was when I 'twas living in my country of Origen Venezuela

Customer:

after 2 ore years I thought I need a change, maybe someone from other country

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I strongly suggest you to get professional individual counseling to work on processing the pain from all these overwhelming experiences, to effectively cope with present situation, and to rehabilitate from codependency and any other problem created by past abuse-neglect or trauma. Ya veo!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Por favor sientase libre de dialogar conmigo en Espanhol si asi se siente mas comoda.

Customer:

I started a long distant relationship for 4 years, I saw a lot of red lights an signals but I did not pay attention Always thinking it may works but this is my situation today

Customer:

gracias, XXXXX XXXXX que usted hablaba español por su nombre pero estaba segura

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

De nada. Vea pues

Customer:

yo entiendo que tengo la responsabilidad por mis desiciones 100% pero es duro aceptar que he estado taequivocada

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Muchas personas que son victimas de abuso y negligencia en su familia y relaciones pasadas, acaban exponiendose a nuevas situaciones de manipulacion y abuso, es triste mas pasa mucho

Customer:

si, yo crecí en un hogar decente con mis padres y muchos hermanos pero muy disfuncional

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Claro que lo es,mas es necesario, pues a partir de ese momento usted se permite a si misma comenzar su proceso de sanacion personal, de crecimiento, de transformacion, pues asume responsabilidad de usar su propia capacidad y libertad para moldear su vida de forma sabia, saludable y realmente edificante. Esto no es nada facil, mas si necesario y vale la pena y el esfuerzo sin duda alguna

Customer:

creo que es mejor hablar con alguien de esta manera por que así no me ven como estoy llorando tanto que no puedo para

Customer:

Parar

Customer:

parar

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

La entiendo y concuerdo con usted, por favor permitase a si misma desahogar, pues con ello empieza todo proceso de rehabilitacion y crecimiento verdaderos

Customer:

yot yo trato de conversar con mi esposo pero el pone muy poca atención y cuando las cosas suben un poco el volumen el se va en su carro y me deja sin escuchar

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Es necesario y justo, en lugar de reprimir, evitar o negar una realidad dolorosa. Lo bueno es que al hacerlo asi, usted comienza su proceso de cambio a mejor

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Que pena el saber que esta es una realidad, esto no muestra amor saludable, ni aunque sea respeto humano ni consideracion. Nadie merece ser mal-tratado asi.

Customer:

por otro lado yo tengo muchas razones para estar feliz como persona, yo he criado tres hijos que has hecho bien con sus vidas

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Eso explica el como ha podido seguir a pesar de tanto vacio, deprecio y pobreza en su vida conyugal. Mas es obvio que necesita, merece y anhela plenitud y felicidad en esta dimension tambien.

Customer:

si usted no miedo tan grande que empezar de nuevo, no digo con otra persona , es irme y empezar de nuevo es tan duro,pero tengo tomar una desicion

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Siempre las cosas que valen la pena cuestan mucho, mientras que lo que es facil suele ser insano o pobre en sus beneficios verdaderos tambien.

Customer:

si

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Le poyo plenamente y por ello le aconsejo que contemple la posibilidad de consejeria regular para poder trabajar en este proceso, con el mejor apoyo y las herramientas necesarias.

Customer:

si

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Usted ya hizo mucho por sus hijos, ahora es tiempo de enfocarse a cuidar realmente bien de si misma.

Customer:

cuanto tiempo tengo yo para hablar con usted o si puedo volver a hablar con usted mañana , o por cuanto tiempo puedo aprovechar antes de hacer otro pago

Customer:

Yo trabajo por mi cuenta pero en este momento mi trabajo esta un poco bajo

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Aqui en Justanswer no hay un tiempo definido para una sesion de chat. Este pagina web la han disenhado para ofrecer apoyo a travez de informacion general via pregunta-respuesta, por ello se considera que una vez contestada la pregunta el servicio acaba. Lo que personalmnete trato de hacer es ayudar a las oersonas lo mass que uedo dentro de las limitaciones de este formato, y cuidando que no se entiendan demasiado los chat pues hay otras personas deseando respuestas tambien.

Customer:

soy Esthetician y tengo una suite alquilada y trabajo haciendo faciales, masajes y waxing pero hay meses buenos y otros no tan buenos

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Acaban de crear un nuevo programa que permite ofrecer consejeria en linea. Tenga presente que este chat es totalmente publico, cualquier persona que vea esta pagina web puede leer eso que platicamos. EN cambio , este otro website pearl.etherapi es totalmnete confidencial y creado para consejeria profesional. Alli puede tener una sesion completa sin limites de tiempo.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Ya veo, la entiendo, y creo prudente cuidar bien de sus gastos, lo que puede y no puede solventar, eso es necesario y sabio hacerlo asi.

Customer:

Usted esta en esa website también?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Si, el enlace que le di, es para mi perfil alli. Esta pagina es creada por la misma empresa de JustAnswer.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

La consejeria y la psicoterapia en line ya existen ahce unos cuantos anhos, mas este programa recien ha empezado, aun esta en etapa beta, mas todo parece estar yendo bien, salvo algunos problemas tecnicos.

Customer:

Ok gracias XXXXX XXXXX encontrare de nuevo, necesito más respuestas, necesito saber si hay alguna forma de yo poder enfocar mejor mis desiciones

Customer:

Esto es muy importante para mi

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Con mucho gusto. Cuando presente son preguntas aqui, si desea que sea yo quien le conteste, asegurese de incluir mi nombre en la pregunta, senhalando que desea que "Rafael" la conteste, y lo hare lo mas pronto posible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Gracias XXXXX XXXXX confianza. Reflexione en todo esto y pase a tomar acciones concretas con tranquilidad para mejorar su calidad de vida y hacer los cambios necesarios para disfrutarla como usted lo merece.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Gracias XXXXX XXXXX estamos en contacto.

Customer:

ok muchas gracias XXXXX XXXXX tenga un buen dia

Customer:

una última pregunta porfavor

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Usted tambien. Claro

Customer:

Podría saber como es el sistema de pago en la otra website igual?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Alli el pago es por hora -60 minutos de consejeria, y usted tiene la libertad de usarlos segun mejor e convenga sacando su cita

Customer:

ok , muchas gracias

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Se puede comunicar conmigo por el sistema privado de mensajes de esa pagina, y respondere a todas sus dudas

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

De nada, hasta luego

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(no olvide valorar el servicio antes de salir del chat, gracias).

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
914 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach