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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3022
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband wants a divorce but he said that if I gave him a

Resolved Question:

My husband wants a divorce but he said that if I gave him a couple of solutions to save our marriage and give him reasons why he should trust me again because am changing for the best, XXXXX XXXXX ask for a divorce and give me another chance. Please help.. I feel like dying.
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 7 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this truly overwhelming situation you are facing.

Customer:

What should i do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please tell me what have been the core issues in your past leading to present crisis, and what is your husband expecting you to do now, has he been more specific about it?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Has he given you other chances in the past for these same issues?

Customer:

I have a past as a player, I've lied to him until we married because I don't want him to see the real me. While were having our first days as married couple he found some old pictures of me

Customer:

And he realised that I lied about everything

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best way to approach a situation like this is by directly asking your husband to tell you about his core needs and expectations, for you to be clear about that and do your best taking consistent action, not on what you imagine but on what would truly work for him.

Customer:

I tried to tell him that that's my ugly past that I wanna hide

Customer:

But he doesn't trust me anymore

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long have you been married?

Customer:

Unless I give him some solutions to gain his trust and see me as the faithful wife

Customer:

Almost a year

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Haven't you been a faithful wife since the moment you get committed and got married?

Customer:

I was faithful but the pictures he found made him suspect everything even my love for him in this whole year

Customer:

I was kinda stupid for not changing my number too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

First it is necessary to be very clear about what he wants and expects from you. Expecting you to give "solutions" to your past mistakes, would be helpless and hopeless if focused on behaviors and choices from your past, impossible to change.

Customer:

The problem is that he said that he has no solution and he gave me a lot of chances and now it's my turn to give a solution

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you got rid of all those pictures? You need to be %100 consistent with the love, respect, caring and dedication you state you feel towards him.

Customer:

What can I do then?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Which are those chances that he has given you?

Customer:

I changed my number and closed my social media accounts and got rid of every single thing about my past even my friends

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you clarify this. You said that he is willing to give you another chance, and that he has given you other chances, which were those chances?

Customer:

He gave me two chances before but I forgot about the pictures.. so now I have no chance to prove to him that am not a cheater. I lied to hide my past... but hour finds that hard to believe.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But at the same time he says there is no solution, for you to create one.It seems contradictory, since on one hand he says it's hopeless, that nothing will satisfy him, while on the other hand asks you to find a solution.

Customer:

That is what I wanna tell you... it is impossible to find a solution. I don't know how to gain his trust again

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I see is that you have done apparently everything in your power to shoe him you have changed your ways, that there is nothing more you can do now about it, and that it mostly depend on him if he truly wants to work on healing and rebuilding the marriage or not.

Customer:

Please think of something.. give me anything to try with him any kind of solutions

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see you are already doing everything in your power to show full consistency with your affection, respect and commitment to him. There is no way anybody could change the past, but each of you need to take full responsibility for your present, from choices, to words, feelings and actions, and if he chooses not to work on it regardless your total transformation then it would be impossible for the marriage to heal, not because of you but because of his own choices.

Customer:

Okay, but how can I approach him now? How can I do something to prove that I will not be the same?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take full responsibility for your own feelings, words, actions and choices, remind him that this is not about nice words, but that you have already done everything in your power to work with him on healing and rebuilding trust and your marriage, that now it is up to him if he really wants to make this happen or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being %100 honest, respectful, consistent with your words and actions, taking responsibility for them, the same way he needs to take responsibility for his own choices and actions about this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For a person in his shoes to keep pushing you to do something impossible to do becomes unrealistic and abusive, not mature, responsible nor acceptable, and he is the only one with the power, and with he responsibility to choose what he wants o do. if he chooses not to allow your marriage to heal from this, no matter what you do about it, then he is the one choosing that, and it'd not be your fault, since you are already doing your best.

Customer:

I talked with him few hours ago and he just want a proof that I won't lie again. I can't find a solution for this. I wanna do an action to prove how much am serious about this. I'm so confused because I want him so bad I feel like killing myself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he happens to be really reasonable, honest and wanting to work on healing your marriage, he would not continue to refuse and deny all of your changes, which are not just "simple acts", but it is about everything in your power to proof how much you care and that there is no exception nor inconsistency in the role you play in your marriage. Now it is not about you any longer, it is him who chooses to fuel this issue, impossible to resolve, and to keep it that way.

Customer:

There must be something please

Customer:

Should I tell him to leave me for a while and then talk to me?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, if you feel that way, call 911 or go to the closest hospital and get necessary medical support. Talk to a close family member and asks for support to calm down, since this is a tough situation, and you need support. I believe that if you tell him you would start with individual psychotherapy to truly commit to work on yourself and commit to it, to make sure those past mistakes never happen again, that would be the best way to take good care of yourself, and the last thing you could do to proof him you are totally serious about it.

Customer:

So you believe that my situation is hopeless now?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he is this unwilling to forgive you and to allow you to work as a team healing and rebuilding your marriage now because of feeling hurt, then such would be a possible help for him to calm down, reassess his position and then better support himself and the relationship.

Customer:

Okay so that's a solution to let things calm down between us

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Marriage counseling would be necessary for sure, since the professional would support him to come to terms with reality and have a healthy and supportive approach instead of a destructive one about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe there is hope as long as he comes to term with the fact that now he is the only one with the power to choose if he wants to work on it or not, that you are already doing everything to make things work, that there is nothing more you can do about it but to commit to psychotherapy-counseling and to offer him to do the same as a couple, to get the best professional support available, so to ensure you know how to effectively cope and grow from it, since now each of you feel overwhelmed by this painful situation.

Customer:

Okay thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is now reacting in a very emotional and impulsive way, once he clams down and reflects on things with a clear mind, he would assess reality and more objectively see that all of your actions are showing you truly care and have been doing your best as possible to give yourselves another chance. Look for professional psychotherapy and commit to it, that's the best last thing you could do to show him you are doing everything in your power for your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome!

Customer:

Yes it does and I hope it works

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do look for all the support you could get from caring and healthy family members, and get professional counseling/psychotherapeutic support. If you feel like hurting yourself, immediately go to the nearest clinic or hospital and request support for you to be safe, supported and to get the help you need and deserve, OK?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. thank you for trusting me!

Customer:

Thanks a lot for helping. Pray for me... for my marriage

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to contact me back to follow up, since I am willing to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure I will.

Customer:

Good bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye for now

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3022
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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