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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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ive created a situation where because of my not handling a

Customer Question

ive created a situation where because of my not handling a situation because i was under stress i have hurt my lady and sge has run. how do i retrieve the situation. we have been together 8 mths and its only the last two weeks that i have dropped the ball so to speak. i feel gutted that she feels i have turned her back into a door mat and trying to control her
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help with this situation.

I understand how devesated you must feel having mishandled a situation and lost the woman you love.

Sometimes when we are under stress, or triggered, we fail to act with restraint, or say things that we later regret.

Trying to control others is something that some people, men or women do. Sometimes if teels more important to control a situation and dominate the other person and the other person feels trapped, as if they are losing their independence.

Perhaps you have a tendency to do this. Some people do.

Perhaps it was a momentary thing caused by stress, as you said.

Since you have been dating for about 8 months, she surely has gotten to know you. If this had been a one time occurrence she would not have given you such a hard time and left.

It it possibole that this has been brewing for some time and she reached her limit of tolerance and left.

If she leaves you no choice then you will have to accept the unhappy truth that she has left you and doesn't want to get back with you.

Ask her gently again to try and see what she says. This was not easy for her I'm sure and some enthusiasm from you might change her mind.

It is worth a try.

Be gentle and straightforward, and pehrpas she might give you another chance.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you. We are both widowed she lost. Her husband 3.5 yrs ago I lost my wife 10 mths ago. We have been friends for approx 20 mths. She had a bad experience way back where she was treated like a doormat and got divorced and after two yrs she bounced back and swore that would never happen again. She did remarry her husband after 9 yrs apart but on different ground rules so to speak.she is a wonderful and independent woman. I on the other hand got stuck in. 42 year marriage that over the. Last twenty odd years was bad and I could not get out of it for many reasons. I was mentally bashed andtheonly way icopedwasto fight fire with fire. After my wife died I was full of relief and when I started into this serious relationship I was delighted but worked way to hard to enjoy it. I have a slight problem with not being able to cope with separation and back around Easter wasalittletahtbway audit adhere uneasy. Since then I have been pretty good and we have a very communicative and loving relationship. Until two to three weeks ago when I came under a lt of external stress that de focussed me from us. She had an opportunity to have approx a weeks holiday with friends of ours and as I could not participate and it would cut across our weekends together I got a bit silly about it and did not handle the situation at all well. She went as I wanted her to but because I was grumpy she did not enjoy and .. As al the other stresses became too much I let it affect me and I acted way to me orientated etc. so she had five days to stew on it and has decided she can't continue. This is despite 8 wonderful mths, heaps in common etc. I have hurt her and I am remorseful. I still believe there is a chance but not 100 percent sure how to handle things.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

Thanks for explainin your situation more thoroughly. It seems that you have developed great fear of abandonment. You did not say if you are merely grumpy or get angry as well.

She has sworn she will never be treated that way again, and evidently you have in a certain way acted in a manner that recalled her failed marriage.

You did say that you have learned to fight fire with fire, and this type of response may have come out in your relationship with her.

You are both very touchy because of past experiences, and you have both experienced a certain sense of release at the death of you respective previous partners. It a sense it was a taste of freedom and independence for both of you.

It is natural that she would be on the alert and have little tolerance for what she considered a replay of the past.

I agree that there is a chance, but you will have to gently convince her to see a marriage and family therapist with you. Being aware of what you have done, and having remorse is essential but you also have to learn to never repeat this behavior, whether or not she takes you back.

Finally, you must coax her to see a therapist with you. Find someone that she will like, line it up, and then make an appointment and see if she will go with you. If not, go by yourself and then report to her on the progress made and gently urge her to join you at the next session.

This is not impossible to turn around, although she may have had a change of heart and no longer want to be in a relationship with anyone. Be gently and cautiously persistent without become annoying, and perhaps she will have a change of heart in your favor.

I shall keep you both in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you again. No I never got angry, we have never had an argument or angry word. We have always been able to openly communicate. No I just got grumpy with all the other stuff but made a bad decision re her holiday. It was dumb basically. I have had a session with my counsellor and I know what my issue is. I have the strategies in place and will continue to work with them so that I become a better person. Iambasically a good decent man but the experiences of my past have not helped. I know I will never repeat the problem I know what to do to work alongside her and not to dominate. Just need the chance. By the way I do work in the health field. When I say fight fire with fire that was with my wife never in this relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

I could readily tell that you are a good and decent man. You have already started the healing process.

I did understand that fighting fire with fire referred to your previous relationship but I just wanted to know if any of that quick reaction carried over. Surely, after years of abuse, you may have become a bit hypervigilant, and so has your current (hopefully) partner.

She has to realize that you are not the same and that you do not pose the same threat to her independence as her former husband did. You likewise have to keep your own insecurities in check and hide your negative reactions until counselling teaches you have to let those reactions.

I believe that you both have a great chance to make thiis work wonderfully. As we get on in years we become less tolerant but are really also more in need of a lifetime partner that we can count on.

You can make this work. I tell lots of people just the opposite, but in your situation I see that you can make this happen with some work and patience.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you again. Yes I believe we can, I just need to get her to the start line. So many conflicting advice about how to handle. I like your idea of going together to a counsellor. She. Used one in the past with her husband who she trusts. I would be willing to go if she thought that was a good idea. What would you advise
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Talk to her about the counsellor that she used and trusted. Tell her that you believe that you two should be together as you go into your later years to support each other.

Tell her that you are asking for one more chance to make this work, with guidance and with determination not to fail. Tell her that you will stand by her and not hurt her again, that there is so much more to gain by making this work than be throwing it away and leaving both of you alone.

She has little to lose by trying and a lot more to lose by not trying.

Give her hope and gentle reassurance, and convince her that it is a good idea.

Think through carefully what you are going to say because this could be one of the most crucial talks you will have in your life. Remember to be genle and patient and optimistic.

I pray that it works.

If you get back to me you may not get a quick response as it is almost 3AM here and I am no longer able to stay awake. They will unchain me from my computer, let me have some bread and water, and a wee bit of sleep, but I shall be back the morning.


Blessings,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much, your thoughts and advice have buoyed me. Enjo your sleep. God bless
Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
God bless you too, Robin. I am so glad to help, and I believe in your quest.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Elliot,
I just thought I would let you know how I have gone since we last spoke. I appreciated you input. After much thought I decided to follow my gut feel. I decided I needed to try and get in front of her and pose the suggestion you made of having joint help. I have come to understand how she thinks as we have spent 8 mths talking and we have an intimate understanding of each other. Because I know her past and her values I know she has gone back into her cave and a dark space . Anyway I made contact by phone and asked if a friend could see her way clear allow me to come by for a cup of tea and share some exciting news with her. She said ok so I did. I approached it from the view point that it wasn't about me but us.

I made sure I was open and honest so first I let her know that I understood why we were having a time out and although I didn't enjoy it I accepted it and would cope with it. Next I apologised and said sorry for acting so badly and hurting her with my behaviour and that I was deeply sorry for putting her back where she did not want to be. That it was not intentional.

Then I asked her how she would feel about the idea of having a joint therapy session with someone she felt comfortable with. She looked at me and said no, that she could not go there at this time whilst she was in this head space and that if we did it would only make it worse. She says she needs to focus on herself and get better before she could think about WE.

I told that was ok with me and I accepted her decision but she needed to know I loved her and that all I want is for her to get better. That I felt responsible for the situation and would love to correct it but realised that was up to her, that I was here for her and I can wait.

I shared some other good news and we talked and I felt comfortable that there is a real hope for us. She has been given the same advice re contact as she is seeing a therapist and I got the understanding that the first thing he will,do,when she sees him next mins ask if she has spoken to or seen me. She will not lie but I think that may be positive as she said her would advise her when he felt she could. I felt bad that I had put her in a position of compromise but she said she was just as much at fault as she allowed me to come by.

I left feeling quite buoyed, she has no problem with me communications if I wish but I promised I would not over do it nd give her spec.

It's hard not to as I so want to get things going again and heal the issuemndmbe happy together, patience is difficult.

How much should I do?

Cheers

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Robin,

I was delighted to hear what you have accomplished. You could not have done better. You should feel quite buoyed. I do as a distant observer. I love to hear success stories like this.

You are still in the "war" to reconquer her heart and this relationship, and you have definitely won this battle with no casualties.

It is hard to know when to time this next communication. Let it sink in. After a week she may start to wonder when you will contact her next. If she is looking forward to it, and she may very well be, give her a few more days, perhaps a second week. I'm sure you will choose a good day and time for logistics and weather (sunny day better).

If you do as well next time you will be even closer to your goal.

I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Elliot, thank you for your response it is most appreciated.just received this email from you and as I am having a bit of trouble getting to sleep thought I would respond.

It has been an interesting time since I was able to speak with her. She has responded to gentle email contact, I use related interests that we have to initiate and that has been ok except I have a tendency to want o do it more frequent and although she indicated contact was ok she did ask me to stop daily ones so I said ok and will not do so.

It is very difficult for me as I so desperately want to get the healing process underway but desperately trying to remain patient. Picking the right timing seems difficult as well. We will be at a function tomorrow night that we both attend the opening of ourbLawn Bowls club. Hopefully it won't be too awkward and will see how it unfolds.

I think I would like to try and initiate contact my asking if she wants to play a game of golf, which we both enjoy or even bowls. It's all so stressful not quite knowing. Hopefully the answers will come to me.

Again I appreciate your input

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Robin,

It sounds so much as if the healing process is underway and that you are making real progress.

Whilst everyday contact overwhelms her, she needs and wants to hear from you. Don't contact her before the Lawn Bowl Club meeting, but do not hesitate to greet her warmly when you see her. Don't delay so as not to promote any discomfort.

Try to get as close to her as you feel you can without breaching her comfort zone, but don't be too distant either. Find the balance. Perhaps she will even give you a hug but don't scare her off by too much or too little.

If it seems right, ask her to golf or bowls, and if she says no, don't show her your negative reaction in body language. She will appreciate that.

I wish you continued success. You are doing well.

Warm regards,

Ellioltt

PS - we will soon expand JA services to include more direct contact. Stay tuned for details.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Elliot, ok I need support here. Went to our bowls evening which went well. Bev turned up and I did approach it how you suggested and that was fine,unfortunately she had just come from the hospital where she had been al with her mother(89) who has had a fall earlier that morning and has a broken hip and shoulder. Not a great situation and she is distressed about that. I love her mum as well so obviously I showed concern etc. anyway she stayed for about 1.5 hrs then left. I spoke briefly with her gave her a hug and told her I was thinking about her.

Later when I got home I just felt I had to send an email expressing my own distress for he at this time and that she knew how I felt and that as much as I would love to be able to support her physically I knew because I was desperately trying to honour my committtment to give her space that was impossible. That I was there in spirit and I would think of her and her mum and prayer for them.

I asked her to keep me informed and she did respond to my email and promises to do so. I guess there is no more I can do or say but I am hurting so much with all,this in any case and now to see this as well,just about kills me.

I know if we could just break through we could be each others total support that we both desperately need.

Damn this is tuff. Makes trying to sleep extremely difficult.

Thanks for listening

Robin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
hi Elliot,
Just wondering if you got my last email

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 12 months ago.
Dear Robin,

I was away and did not qet your last email until now.

I appreciate your situation and it seems that in times of trial and tribulation, great healing can take place.

I think that at a time of need for mutual support, that support is more important than an arbitrarily imposed no contact rule.

That is my professional opinion and you can quote me on that.

This is a time where you should be supporting her and she should be allowing her. These times are when friendships prove themselves.

You cannot impose your will on her but you can tell her your thoughts. When you love someone as you lover her and her mother, you have a strong need to be there and lend whatever hand you can.

This is an opportunity not just to help and feel good about it, but a chance to restore and even further your relationship.

Times like these test our friendships and restore our souls. I will keep you in my prayers for being able to turn her towards what is right for all concerned.

I believe that in her vulnerable state, she will turn to the one that she knows in her heart she can trust and rely on.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 12 months ago.
Hi Elliot

Thank you, appreciate your response. Yes I agree 100 percent with you. I would give my life to be able to do just that. All I get from others is leave her be, give her space don't appear needy, you will just push her away and that's the last thing I want to do. It is confusing all I would like is a little confirmation there is a future. I can work with that.

As her mother is in hospital I plan to send her flowers, can't do that till tomorrow as it is Sunday here. Hopefully , and I am doing this with sincerity, she will see how caring I am. I feel she will make contact to say thank you, should I try and initiate say having coffee or should I still try and wait longer?

I also have to initiate some contact re Bowls as I coordinate a group of which we are members. I'm desperate not to mess this up

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 12 months ago.
Dear Robin,

This isn't a game. You ARE needy. I'm sure it is not a game with her either. What could be more appealing than someone who loves you AND needs you.

All of us (just about) need someone in our loves who loves and cares about us and will be there.

You have shown this in your actions, and I am sure in your body language as well.

Something small, even meeting at the hospital and having a coffee there is a way of spending some time together and looking at each other in the eyes. You don't have to say anything yet, but that time will be well spent.

I don't agree with your well-intentioned friends. Honest people must act honestly and not play manipulative games.

Use the bowls angle and whatever else you can to keep up contact and to support her mother. Perseverance is the best approach, done gently and with subtlety.

I wish you continued blessings. You seem to be moving in the right direction.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 12 months ago.
Hi Elliot.
Again thank you, you give me hope and I appreciate your common sense approach. I will take it gently, honesty is paramount.
Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 12 months ago.
Thank you, and may God bless you.

Elliott
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Hi Elliot

Been a little since I wrote you, I wish I could say it is all fine, sadly at present it's not. Bottom line is I hit rock bottom last weekend. A man could not get any lower on any front. I have taken the softly approach but unfortunately it appears she has gone way deep in her cave for safety and at present tells me there is no us. I managed to get in front of her last Sunday nite as I wanted to know the reasons. She did explain to me that it was mainly my inability to cope away from her that had pushed it. Back at Easter when it first surfaced we got through that and I promised to improve . I did and our last trip to Australia July/August I was heaps better. Unfortunately the way I handled her going to Fiji is what did it and she felt she was a door mat again and doesn't want any of that. I can see it all so clearly now and I just wish we had this conversation a couple of mths ago.

Unfortunately I have allowed all the stress of my wife and her will that left everything to our son to come over the top like a Tsunami. I thought common sense would prevail and it would all work out. Sadly form about July onwards the stress over all that started to overwhelm me and I dropped the ball in my relationship.

So at present I am picking myself up off the canvas, hopefully I have an agreement with my son that is satisfactory so I can put that to bed and move on. My health is a little shaky but other than losing weight, not a bad thing, BP is a little up so we are going to sort that out ASAP , need more sleep etc.

I still believe there is something there in our relationship. I am not going to give up but realise I need to move and act positive and carefully. I will need to appeal to her emotions and see what unfolds.

Hope I'm doing the right thing. Nice to chat again

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Robin,

You are correct. You must appeal to her emotions but not be emotional, if that makes sense. She wants to see you grounded and solid and easy to talk to. Seeing you putting out a good faith effort and being positive will move her more than anything to see that you have real substance and hopefully she will recognize the fact that you may, after all, be the man she has always wanted you to be.

Sometimes just a small change will make a large difference in perception.

I shall continue to keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Dear Elliot

Thank you, I always feel better after communicating with you. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I feel better and stronger by the day, yes must keep the emotional stuff out of it. Finding it easier every day when I discuss stuff.

I will see her at bowls in two weeks and then be playing alongside her in a team in three weeks. By then I will more than be back to my happy, confident self.

Again thanks

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Robin,

Thank you so much for that affirmation. Keep healing and prepare yourself to be in top form by game time.

My prayers are with you.

Elliott
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Dear Elliot

Sorry to bug you but I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

I spent some time with a colleague today and she said a prayer for my, it was comforting to see someone care so much.

I also saw my lady today at bowls, the first time in 14 days, on one hand she was a happy person but underneath I can tell she is hurting. We had a short conversation but mostly around bowls. I talked with her for a couple of minutes about her mother who is still in hospital at 89 trying to recover from a broken hip and shoulder. It's obviously very hard on my lady, Bev is her name. That distresses me but there's nothing I can do.

Obviously she has a lot on her plate so can't see her wanting to spend time with me. I was going to send her a short hand written note just acknowledging what happened two weeks ago accepting the situation and also to apologise for my behaviour that over rode our relationship and caused her to go into herself. On analysing the baggage I was dealing with I don't blame her.

I was then going to suggest maybe we could catch up for a coffee so I could share good news. First that I have she'd the baggage that was the issue between my son and I over my wife's will etc. that is all sorted. Also I have found an apartment that I will rent for a year and give me my own space to grow and be happy and if things work out a proper place to have a relationship. There is a couple of minor issues that I have cleared so I am just about back to my cheerful self that she met and fell in love with. I so much want to tell her but am a bit worried it could be too soon and might put her off.

We are due to play more bowls next week, should I wait or should I send the note I have written before I saw her today.

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Dear Robin,

It is nice to hear from you. You are not bugging me, although it always help me make a living when I get positive feedback and JA compensates me.

It seems that you are making progress in restoring your position of favour with Bev.

Clearing out the "debris" always helps.

She scares easily, or so it appears.

You must walk the fine line between going slowly and and going too slowly. I would call it a restrained eagerness.

Do not give her any doubts that you are still interested in her, but let your note and approach be undestated to show that you are being respectfully cautious in your enthusiasm. Send your not if it is not making any demands, and let it do its work on her.


I wish you great fortune.

Elliott
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Hi Elliot

Than you, yes she does scare easily so it might take awhile for her to emerge from her cave. For me I feel it's worth the wait but very hard.

All I can do is show her how I've gotten rid of the baggage and I'm there.

I will go softly.

Robin
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Elliot


 


Its been a couple of months since I last wrote. Sadly I would love to say the outcome of all this was a success and I was back with my lady. Its not. She has made her mind up and it looks like it was made up pretty early and I was clinging to hope based on how I thought I knew her and our wonderful relationship. Never mind I have to come to grips with it and move on,


 


It hurts like hell and me thinks it will be sometime before the hurt heels. Its tough but no other way around it.


 


Thanks for your input


 


Robin

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
Dear Robin,

It hurts me to hear of your pain. I am a very empathetic person and I truly feel your pain at this moment.

I have taken a deep breath and said a prayer for you. I wish you a healing and a new beginning with a happier chapter in your life.

My best wishes for this coming year. May God bless you.

Elliott
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Hi Eliot

Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayer, it is much appreciated.

I have gone back and reread all our correspondence from the beginning. On reflection I was so confused and misguided , there is no way I handled any of it correctly. It is so clear to me now what went wrong and the mistakes I made.

It is truly only now in the last 3 weeks that I now am understanding things, eventually I knew I was getting out of control and needed professional help, I was guided on referral to a clinical psychologist , someone totally disassociated with me. She has refocused me, shown me how negative thoughts create the negative emotions that create the adverse chemical responses that affect my well being etc, the stress cycle. I am now aware and rebuilding my self worth and confidence. I have always known this through the work I do but I had let it all override my rational thinking.

I believe I knew Bev, and I believe we actually loved each other and were well suited. My mistake is I got to far ahead if myself, after coming off such a ghastly last twenty years of marriage I could not believe how good it was, I over end ogled and scared her off. Oh how I wish I could wind back the clock 4 mths. I would love to have the opportunity to sit and truly discuss with her as I now can see what she wanted and wants but I have blower it and don't believe that will happen. So I have to accept, no choice, that I can intellectualise but turning off my heart and my head is another matter.

Everyone says time will heal, maybe that's true but time is infinite for she but we only have a finite time on this planet so we don't gave time to waste on negative soul destroying behaviour.

I'm gutted I messed up, it's also cut across my resolving the other issue over my wife's will etc. until now I have feared things, I can't allow that anymore so I have to summon the courage to believe in me, my self worth and my passion for life. Would I love to do that alongside Bev, absolutely, but it won't happen now. I won't forget her but I will move on and god willing will find that happiness again.

I appreciate your listening and thoughts

God bless

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
Dear Robin,

This was not all in vain. You are a stronger, wiser person, much less likely to repeat your former mistakes.

You will heal. It does not take forever to heal, and one day you will find someone who suits you as much or more. Yes, it is possible.

You may not forget her, but she will lose the presence and impact she still has on you. It WILL fade.

Remove the mementos, follow this therapist, and you will get your life back and will be better prepared to succeed. Of this I am certain.

You remain in my prayers for victorious success.

Warmest regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Hi Elliot


 


All you say I know to be true, one hell of a lesson thats for sure. I will remain positive and I will let you know one day how it has all worked out.


 


Robin

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
I hope to hear the positive news soon. I know it will take time, but when things do change it will seem that there was hardly a yesterday. Time is so relative in our perception, and the only real time is right now.

Blessings

Elliott
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I have for a long time tried to live by the saying " there is no such thing as the future because when you get there it's the Present!"

May 2014 be all we wish it to be.

God bless

Robin
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 8 months ago.
Here here !

Blessing,

Elliott

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