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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5133
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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I am in a fix!! I am emotionally invested in a guy who started

Customer Question

I am in a fix!! I am emotionally invested in a guy who started as a professional colleague. We were physically attracted to each other from the very beginning. we did even make out at the first office get together(but no sex). Post that we started chatting up a lot with each other and turned out we were so similar and compatible. He then got into the mode of 'best friends' though he continued his ever flirtatious behavior and I started getting emotional about him. He is getting out of a bad marriage and trying for legal separation. He is of the view that he can never be committed in a relationship again. He avoided any physical thing with me initially, as he didn’t want to ruin the friendship and complicate the matter. I was disappointed but gave up on any chance of a relationship with him. we still spent long hours on phone as we are in different cities and only meet up once in a month or two.
But about six months back during one of my official visits we ended up being together, in fact, he initiated it. for three days we were together in my hotel. He was even little upset about me leaving. After that during my next visit he offered me to stay at his place. post that there has been few more visits wherein, I stayed with him. we do things together, make long term plans and everything. He has even spoken to his siblings and closest friends about me, in fact during my last visit, his brother was also around for a couple of days. Even his brother was of the view(based on their conversation about me) that for the first time there is someone in his life who is helping him with his financial management, perusing academic goals. We even share common personal and professional goals. He is an extremely well read and self aware man. He even ensures I keep myself updated. We go onto even sharing some interesting reads. We get into long discussions about any and every topic. We even share each other’s enthusiasm about personal achievements .He is protective, caring and thoughtful when it comes to me. I am shifting country and he wants to get there too to pursue his professional goals..
After all this he still keeps saying he can’t be in a committed relationship(these are all indirect communication). I don’t know what to make of all this. he is doing everything I would expect from my guy but his says differently. Please help me get a perspective.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. You are clearly a loving and caring woman. And he is a loving and caring man. Everything is really perfect. Except that he wants to reserve the right to say he's had enough at any moment, or that he's no longer interested, or whatever else might end the relationship if he wants to end it.

This is so hard because it is clear your heart wants to reach out and embrace a real love relationship with him. And for you that means that he is important to you and you are important to him. Being important to you means that you wouldn't just leave. You are committed. And this scares him.

From what you wrote at the beginning, he still hasn't officially severed his marriage. He is still legally in that relationship. This confuses the issue even more. But his heart is with you, though he is scared to give his heart fully.

This is him. But we need to worry about you. We need to find a perspective that allows you to act based on your needs. Because he is certainly acting from his own needs. He is enjoying a beautiful love with you without sacrificing his own conviction that he will remain free to say yes or no at any time he wishes. But we need to find the way for you to act based on your needs and what's good to you.

Therefore, the correct perspective for you is not an all or nothing decision. Your needs right now are not to decide to stay or leave with him. You also are enjoying this beautiful love with him. But you know that this love needs to either become true love or you need to move on to find someone who can be a true love, not just a beautiful momentary love.

So, give yourself a timetable. And let him know that you find the relationship wonderful and satisfying but only to a point. It is not fully wonderful and satisfying; it has a part that is unfulfilled and not whole. And that part is security and trust. Any relationship of love that is whole and fulfilled requires both people to take a chance on each other and to say yes for the long term, not just the moment.

That's why, you're telling him, you're enjoying the love as he is but you are looking to see if he is willing to fully love you so you know if this is something that will continue past your timetable. Whether it's 3 months or 6 months. Because if you truly look within yourself, you tell him, you see that the real perspective is that you are seeking a full and complete love, not only a beautiful momentary love.

And then keep to your timetable. And fully enjoy this love, because you can't demand from him more than he is willing to give. But he also can't demand from you less than you need to receive.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Hi,


 


Thanks for your response. But I still need to understand what will work for me. Should I listen to him when he keeps saying he might never settle down and is not looking for a comitted relationship. But everytime I pull back he fills the gap. I am so thoroughly confused.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Yes, you must believe him. I understand how painful this is. But at least he is being honest with you.


It is true that he may change his mind in a couple of years. Men and women who are getting out of difficult relationships, like him with his wife, commit themselves often to not every committing to someone else. They are protecting themselves.


This defensiveness lasts usually at least 18 months, two years or longer. This is a long time. So, you do need to believe him. That he is filling the gap represents his own mixed emotions more than likely. He wants to love you. But he is also scared of the failure he had before.


And he will very likely not be convinced. So you need to believe him and set your own timetable. And see if your setting your timetable makes him shorten his own emotional timetable.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5133
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi. The question that I wonder if we need to take up is this: if you do believe him, if you believe him partly, what do you feel this means for you?


I mean by that, if you listen to him not that he won't be ready forever to be in a committed relationship, but that he won't be ready for more than a year, how do you feel about that?


Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

He confuses me. Let me give you a recent example. Couple of days back we were talking about my movement outside of country because of job. I am moving country in 2 months time. He was of the view that once i move things would change we may not be the same again. As per him people move on in life and priority changes. It did affect me a lot. I kind of decided to think beyond him given the statement. So the next day i decided that i needed to reduce my communication to help me get used to him not being around. so there were no morning calls or messages from me. I then get a call at 10 am from him asking as to y no calls or messages. And the entire day he kept messaging and calling. Every time he called I spoke quite normally but I did not call him. In the evening he called and thats when i told him that i did think about what he had to say about moving on and I was hurt. To which he responded that 'Its not him who would change but I would as I would be in a new place new set of friends'. He also added that If I dont change nothing changes between us and he still will be there for me.


So all this confuses me. At one time he says that its practical to move on and its fine with him but at the same time he couldnt bear the change in my approach to him.


 


Now you tell me what do I make of all this. Do Men get so emotional about their best friend or there has to be more to it than just friendship


 

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this and thank you for your positive rating. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark

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