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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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Hi there, Im 37 year old woman with no children. I have a

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Hi there, I'm 37 year old woman with no children. I have a wonderful partner, he is 44, who has two children from a previous relationship. He has had a vasectomy and does not want any other children.
Seeing him interact with his children and the fact that I get along so well with his children has made me want a child of my own.
I cannot see myself having children with any other man but my current partner makes me feel these deep feelings.
When we see his kids school friends or attend birthday parties and I hear kids call out to their mothers I just want to cry.
I feel so rejected by him because he does not feel the same way as I do, as he does not want to have children at his age, and he understands the cost of having a child, etc
Now, I have told him I cannot see him and will date other men to start a family of my own, but like I said I know I won't feel the same way ...
What to do? Any thoughts to help me understand why I'm feeling this way?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 10 months ago.

Jean :

Hello, I am available to assist you- Welcome!

Jean :

What you feel is not right or wrong, it's normal to what you are dealing with. We have an inborn instinct to want to have a baby.

Jean :

May I ask how long you've been with this man?

Jean :

You are at that age where the "clock ticks loud" for a baby; as we near the "40's". However, many women have babies beyond 40.

Customer:

We have only been together since January 2013.

Customer:

We did agree to live together for 12 months to see if there is any change in his attitude however he has said he's scared if he doesn't change his mind that I will miss out on my opportunity.

Jean :

I see- I wonder if with time he would have a change of heart?? If he is really committed to the relationship and you- his thoughts may change about this.

Customer:

We did agree to live together for 12 months to see if there is any change in his attitude however he has said he's scared if he doesn't change his mind that I will miss out on my opportunity.

Jean :

Did I understand correctly that you told him you can not see him?

Customer:

I was meant to move in with him on Wednesday, but after we talked we agreed to remain friends. He wants me to help him look for new furniture tomorrow. And he has asked me to go away with him for a week with his kids interstate for a holiday which I declined. He wants me in his life and continues to try to include me in everything ... but I just feel so sad ...

Jean :

He's not saying a for sure "no", he's saying he's afraid and concerned for you- that's a good sign. A separation would certainly give him time to consider what he's at risk of losing- forever- you! Of course you feel sad- the idea of not having a baby with him is a loss- grief.

Jean :

Even though you are so sad, it sounds like you are doing what you believe is necessary- making it clear to him you want a baby.

Customer:

I am doing the right thing I think. He is so amazing, such a loving father and partner. I will be giving up alot to find someone to have a child with ... and that may never happen. Do you think it will be healthy for us to remain close friends?

Jean :

Is it just too painful to be with him right now- having doubts he will change his mind about this? I think remaining friends, in contact- will give you more time to observe, watch. It's real possible the love for you deepens and it could lead to a change of mind. The biggie I hear from you is you care a lot for this "amazing man"- that's a tough one to give up.

Jean :

It's also okay to pull a way for a bit- to give him that sense of missing you, feeling the void.

Customer:

ok, that may be what I need to do, I know he's feeling it at the moment because he's not sleeping very well. I just think it will hurt so much when he meets someone his own age who does not want children. That thought really hurts me and I feel very hurt by that ...

Jean :

Yes, it's very hurtful, and painful, but like you said it may be the best for now- trust if there is a future, and maybe a baby with him, you will find out through this separation. Let him lose sleep over this- you are so worth it!!

Customer:

Thank you :)

Jean :

You are welcome! None of us knows what the future holds- hard to really know how to plan- sometimes trusting your gut, your heart, with a bit of wise mind too.

Jean :

Allow him to miss you- realize what he'd be losing. I'm sure he'd also miss you as a great lady for his kids- he must see that you are a "natural" mother.

Customer:

He does, he sees how wonderful I am with his kids and he's even agreed I'd make a great mother. That's why I feel rejected by him. He says that, but still does not wish to move forward with me in that way ... I also feel rejected by him because it was ok for his ex, but not for me :(

Jean :

44 is still young- it's all a matter of mind right! Yes that is very hurtful- to realize right now he's leaning towards not having a baby. Babies are made out of love- if the love between you is strong- it's a good "recipe".

Jean :

It's also a loss for you to not see his kids- you've developed a relationship with them- they will miss you too.

Customer:

Yes, he's just loosing me, I'm loosing the three of them. I think best I just remain friends. Date other men and see what happens.

Jean :

Darn, if getting a baby were not so complicated- especially when they are so wanted!! I do understand that you are at a fork- knowing you want a baby- but hitting a wall with him- time is of the essence too.

Jean :

Yes, see what's out there!! It's difficult, but trust what is meant to be- will happen.

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
Jean and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 10 months ago.
Jodie,
I enjoyed our live chat. Let me know if I can assist you again. Have a great day!
Jean

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