Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.
Yes, this is so often a frustration: you want to use an activity as a way to build closeness and love and he is thinking of just sport and entertainment.
Are there other things you two do to build closeness in the relationship?
Okay. This is all good news. Let me explain
I see you're typing, so I'll wait...
My biggest concern was that he was treating the relationship as a "given". Sometimes men treat a relationship as something you have. It just is until there's a problem. They don't treat it as something that has to be tended to and paid attention to and cared about in positive ways to make it grow. So your words that he cares and he makes efforts are really so encouraging, and
it means that your relationship is moving in a good direction but that you have this irritant that's bothering you.
So, that means we can work on the golf issue and not on a deeper relationship issue.
At least it's not football! (I hope that made you smile)
Ah, but be careful here. This man is not your husband, and if you typecast him because of the golf, there will be resentments down the road. Note that you've got a man who cares about his love and also has a clear passion for this sport. But this doesn't equate him with your husband. So that needs to be something you're careful about. Okay? then,
Wow, he is a sports fanatic!
Let me get to what I wanted to recommend: tell him you recognize that his golfing with his buddies is more being in the "sport" than golfing with you, but that you would enjoy having some of his "golf time" for you.
Make it a sport thing. Her's what I mean
Make it that you want to enjoy golf and to see what it's like "on the next level". And you know that doing that will help you see more what he's about and what he as a guy is like.
In other words, you are saying you want to get closer to him, not that you're asking him to get closer to you.
With this positive tone, do you think he would make time to golf with you?
Well, right. Tell him that's not fair! You want a real round of golf with him. What would he say?"
I see. Okay, it sounds as though he wants golf to be his thing. He's not looking for it to be part of the relationship. Is this true with bowling and sports in general?
And are you willing to make the tv watching something you do together with a warm blanket, tea/hot chocolate and snacks?
Okay, good. So sports is not the way to get that. Let's recap: your relationship is a good one: he dotes, cooks, etc.
You are jealous of his sports passion
Your gut is still traumatized by your marriage... but
let's agree that the trouble here is that you are not his exclusive passion. And you don't know how to rate it. He has a passion for you and he has a passion for sports. So,
you're trying to rate it by time devoted to each.
The first way is that you treasure what he does for you and not discount it. What do you think about this?
Good. That's a positive. Now,
Remember my question: The first way is that you treasure what he does for you and not discount it. What do you think about this?
You know, some smart wives do small things to not feel so left out with TV sports: they do something they like in the same room that he's watching the game in. My point:
small things are what communication is built on, sometimes communication with him, and sometimes more importantly: communication with yourself, that is
letting yourself know that you're in a good relationship. He's not perfect, but neither am I, and
so I am accepting this and I'm trying to find ways to give him room to be himself and still be myself. And myself means
that I need to be with him sometimes when he's in his sports passion mode even though I couldn't care less about sports. Or it means that I need to go out to dinner with him after he's been at the T V with sports, so I invite him on a date after the game.
Would you consider taking what I'm saying to therapy with you to discuss there?
Yes, I sensed that, and that's why I asked if you could discuss this in therapy? Because so much of this is your not feeling safe.
Yes, I wish he wasn't that booked up as well. Do you need to try to find someone else who can see you sooner?
Here also is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (they show you a photo of the therapist!) http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/
Be of good cheer: you have a man who dotes on you and cooks.
You can find a good therapist in your area!
You're so welcome.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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