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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5220
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hi im Chris. im in a love triangle. this woman alyssa I dated

Customer Question

Hi im Chris. im in a love triangle. this woman alyssa I dated for almost 2 years we broke up in june cause I told I had feelings for someone else and her name is XXXXX XXXXX told her I didn't know what I wanted, but over the summer we still hanged out. This other girl I have feelings for I was hanging with her too and i told her we were still hanging out and she said it was fine. about a week and a half ago I said something about my ex and she got a attitude and I didn't realize it then. we talked a little over the week but she gave me the silent treatment for the most part. and during that week and a half I still chilled with my ex who still wants to be with me. but I realized how much I loved and missed amber that whole time. I text amber last night telling her how I feel and she thinks im still in love with Alyssa and we are dating cause shes heard from numerous people we are dating but we are not. I told I was wrong for hanging out with Alyssa all the time and told her if it was bothering her that much I wish she would told me. should I cut my ties with Alyssa? can she forgive me? is there anything I can do that can help my chances of getting with amber? I know shes hurt but I didn't lie to her. I just want another chance. any advice?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.

Dr. Mark :

How hurt is Amber? And what have people told her about you and Alyssa?

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

well lastnite she told me shes hurt. and I guess people have said they saw us together and we are dating. I guess amber asked Alyssas brother if we are dating and he said yea. but we aren't but that's what people think. Alyssa wants to get back together but ever since this whole silent treatment went down with amber I realized how much I love her and miss her. I poured my heart out to her yesterday telling her everything that's on my mind, and she told me shes stick of going through the stress and she thinks we are better off being friends.

Dr. Mark :

It sounds old fashioned but I have to tell you: sending her flowers and then

Dr. Mark :

timing it with an email or text from you is a great way to follow up telling her last night. You're trying to make a case for her

Dr. Mark :

because she's backed away and is protecting herself,

Dr. Mark :

that's what it means when she says she's sick of the stress and wants to just be friends, so

Dr. Mark :

you need to start being more romantic and win her back.

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

i was talking to a friend and i asked her what if i do break things off with Alyssa completely and i go over and talk to her mom while shes at work and let her mom know how sorry i am and tell her how much she means to me. and i was gonna ask her mom if she could help with the flowers. i want to get her lots of flowers, like 500 dollar's worth set them up in the apartment then when she comes home and see them..hopefully i can win her heart back. but i know her mom is upset with me too so its hard to say if it would go down that way as much as i want it too

Dr. Mark :

That's too much and too extreme. You want to not try to use a blitz on her. She's already stressed, so

Dr. Mark :

you want to take this in steps and be more gentle.

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

i told amber a lot yesterday, listed off all the things we did. should i wait for her to txt me or should i txt her? i know she was proply thinking about what i said to her today.

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

i was thinking of giving her space but its hard to tell

Dr. Mark :

Here's the strategy I'm thinking of:

Dr. Mark :

First, you're on the right track for taking a deep breath and realizing she may need space, but again, don't try to make this an all or nothing situation.

Dr. Mark :

Space doesn't mean that you disappear, no communication. Rather, it can mean and here it should mean that you slow it down. She's a woman, and you need to do this with finesse, so here's the next part:

Dr. Mark :

Send Amber the flowers. If it's through her mom giving them to her, fine. Or if it's through the florist sending them to her, fine as well. A bouquet, perhaps roses. Her favorite color, for example.

Dr. Mark :

Then, you make sure the florist or her mom is in contact with you, meaning they let you know when the flowers are delivered so you can take the next step.

Dr. Mark :

Which is that you text her then. Have some thoughts prepared for the text. Again, don't be overwhelming with your words. Amber has already said this is a lot for her to handle. So some words telling her that what you said last night (the other night by then, perhaps) is true and you are reaffirming it.

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

ok. but before i do this i should proply break it off with alyssa

Dr. Mark :

Yes. I would say definitely. Your instincts are good here. Let me explain.

Dr. Mark :

Amber will interpret, if you don't break off with Alyssa, that you're hedging your bets. This will be a total turn off for her. She will be angry.

Dr. Mark :

So you're right and I'm glad you realize it.

Dr. Mark :

Communicate this through her mom. That would be best, so she hears it from someone else other than you and then you can confirm it as a way to say how much you believe in her.

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

ok its gonna be hard cause i still care for Alyssa, i never did this before. before i talked to you about this i thought of txting her in a day or 2 and asking her if i was to cut things off w Alyssa completely would i have a chance? but that's proply not a good idea

Dr. Mark :

You have good gut instincts about relationships

Dr. Mark :

and you're right, it would be interpreted by Amber as a slap in her face

Dr. Mark :

a lack of commitment to her

Dr. Mark :

and you're also right. In giving your heart in a relationship,

Dr. Mark :

it's hard because you've got to take a chance on someone.

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

do you think she still thinks about me? and i that's what im afraid of if this chance doesn't work

Dr. Mark :

What is your gut sense from last night?

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

its hard to say im thinking i got a 50 50 chance she said she loves me and she want to still be friends

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

im on a timed computer i got 2 min left

Dr. Mark :

Those are good odds! And do you want this to work with your whole heart? If Alyssa wasn't in the picture, would you hesitate to take this risk with Amber?

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

yes

JACUSTOMER-p3vssmjp- :

i mean no

Dr. Mark :

Life is like this, you make choices and you have no guarantees. You use your best judgment. And your best judgment in relationships is in your gut instincts, I see. What does your gut instinct tell you?

Dr. Mark :

Hi, You've stepped out of the chat and are offline. If the chat closes before you get back, then I'll continue in the question/answer format, okay?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Hi Chris. The chat ended so I'll finish off here in the question/answer format.


I think that you need to put your heart into this relationship with Amber. You have realized that this might be the right woman for you, that you really care about her deeply and in a significant way. Your gut instinct is telling you that you have a good chance with her.


You're right that it will mean taking a chance, cutting off from Alyssa. Yes, that's taking a chance. But Amber is worth it. And if you base her being worth it only on statistical odds, you'll never make the moves to actually win her. That's why I'm saying you will be taking a chance, but she's worth taking a chance on.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, Dr. Mark

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 2 years ago.
Hi, Chris. Has anything new developed with Amber?


Dr. Mark

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