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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband of 13 years is a functioning alcoholic and has controlled

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My husband of 13 years is a functioning alcoholic and has controlled all of our finances, choices, etc. for the duration of the marriage as I was a stay at home mom...
I have returned to part time work and I am doing very well in my previous career...
I filed for divorce as he was unwillingly to seek help and refused to make me feel cherished and valued as a wife...
five days ago he surprised me with our pre nup, which I was told expired after 10 years initially, and now states I get nothing...I mean nothing... this document was fixed as I remember clear as day that I had to initial each page and this one is not signed that way...I know that I can support myself and that child support for our two children will be coming...however, he is begging me to stay and made the visit to the last marriage counselor today who told him that he has control issues, especially with money...
he is so proud of himself for being able to tell me that and believes that I should put the divorce on hold and allow him to get help so he will be able to be a better husband who shares, who loves and who will cherish me...please help...there have been so many lies, so many betrayals about money, control over every aspect of my life that I am scared to give him an additional chance...tonight he told me that he cannot grant me my wish of voiding the "awful mistake" of the pre nup now...but to just come back and it will be fixed in the future...all of our problems and he will try his best to receive help with his control issues...how do I do this? I still love my husband...I don't want to be divorced and most importantly I don't want to damage my children...yet, the unhappiness over the last few years almost destroyed me and I know in my heart he is not able to show love, to share or respect me as a human being...
any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Signed,
Smart, Loving and Confused Wife
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly sad and frustrating reality you have been facing for so long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you depict in your message is very clear and shocking since it shows a very dysfunctional marriage where your husband has been and continues to be very abusive and dysfunctional. The fact that he's been able to keep his job, handle finances and make all the decisions in your lives, does not mean he is functioning well, since both, neglect and abuse have been present, serious manipulation and control issues, and he is actively worsening his addiction-s.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are very clear stating you really believe he is unable to show love and even to respect you as a human being and that is very graphic showing how distorted his personality, behaviors and ways living have got.

Customer:

Yes, I am listening...

Customer:

My problem is that I know he has the potential to receive help...just not sure if I have the ability to allow another day of my life to not be spent as a gift...

Customer:

I could say a million things against him...yet, I still love this person, believe in him and feel that I need to keep allowing him to heal...not for myself, but mostly for my children...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have given him multiple chances for several years and always regretted it, and this time is not different, it seems much worse,because he is literally threatening you to undermine your personal life and the lives of your children financially and materially using the pre nup. agreement, and that's awful overwhelmingly abusive, so unacceptable.

Customer:

Is it unfair of me to ask him to void the pre nup if he wishes to live another day with me?

Customer:

I risked everything by signing any pre nup so long ago...why can't he risk now to be with me?

Customer:

Ok...here's the next question...

Customer:

Ok..I am understanding...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but I do not see how your "allowing" him, his abuse, neglect and manipulation even more into your lives, could help you or your children at all. i do believe here your children are the helpless victims of this serious dysfunction, of perpetuating the abuse and neglect, that to think that you protect and take good care of your children while perpetuating / enabling it is an illusion, and could only worsen his addictions-mental disorders, and undermine your personal and your children's mental health and wee-being now and in the future.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very abusive and unacceptable for him to use it as a way to manipulate and control you, for you to stay in this dysfunction, and to state at the same time that he does because he cares and he is truly caring and loves you. For you to believe that after would be very naive and obviously perpetuate self-sabotaging.

Customer:

Why is that I cannot complete the divorce? Abandoment issues possible...how do I heal from this...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Codependency, and it comes from personal issues around fear of being abandoned,unloved, alone and more, each person's experience is unique but we all share universal needs, and core issues could be very similar pushing people to become dysfunctional, enable abuse and self-sabotage.

Customer:

I can't see sharing my children half time is the best choice...shipping kids back and forth from 7 day rotations is not a childhood...I fear for their safety...yet, have not real proof of what has been happening... his family blames me...supports and enables even more than I...

Customer:

I understand...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's not about you not having love for your husband, but it is about how healthy or destructive this love happens to be, leading to a healthy, harmonious, fulfilling personal, marital and family live, or to the opposite.

Customer:

I am making excuses...no more...I know in my heart what must be done...I know I am deserving of love that has no conditions...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is the way he is and will continue the same and get worse as long as he gets people in his life enabling and allowing his abuse and dysfunctional ways.

Customer:

Counseling for the kids...yes...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Healthy and fulfilling love is based on "mutual" respect, understanding, support, affection, boundaries, compassion, and full accountability, incompatible with any form of manipulation, abuse or neglect.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, they need and deserve to heal and to truly enjoy their lives.

Customer:

how in the hell did I end up here...well educated, kind, smart, compassionate person...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not fair for them either, but reality should not be denied but faced, and do everything in your power to reduce the pain and further wounding, while supporting and protecting them as a healthy and responsible parent.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX for your help...you are very good at what you do! :)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Personal unresolved issues, fueling fears, codependency leading to allow and enable so much and chronic serious abuse and neglect for so long. This is why only be fully facing reality, and taking total responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions, you would be able o take good care of yourself and children and allow him to do the same if he chooses to,, but at least you would not be enabling his dysfunctional and abusive ways against you any longer, and that would help a lot for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I am glad to know it's been this helpful. Please take gentle care and consistent action!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Feel free to contact me back for any further support. I'd like to follow up and support you as much as possible.

Customer:

Yes. Do I keep your name and reference it when I return for future help?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, just make sure you direct your questions to me (Rafael), and I will know you want me to respond.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the link to my profile here: http://www.justanswer.com/mental-health/expert-rafael-morales-toia/

Customer:

Thank you, Rafael. You helped me so much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. but there is a new program, pearl.etherapi.com, where we can speak confidentially, over a secure network. It is still in Beta phase, but you could consider trying it in case you want to receive confidential counseling services. I am there https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164


and willing to support you as a client too. Thank you again for your trust,and please do not forget to rate support. Bye for now.

Customer:

Great. Thank you. I will. :)

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach