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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1350
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My story is really long and complex, in short, I wasnt mentaly

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My story is really long and complex, in short, I wasn't mentaly well and I needed space. My "partner" asked me to marry him and I couldn't. I said I needed to get myself better and that I loved him but needed space. I broke him, he tried for a month and the gave up. for the past month he and I have been seeing each other and living with each other etc and then saturday night we both had too much to drink and we both said some nasty things. He's away for work and he over heard something to house mates. He didn't hear whole story but is only believing in the negatives. I love him, but now he's saying he's better off without me. I don't want to push anything on him, I don't want to lose him. He means the world to me. We have both made mistakes yet, he focuses on the mistakes I've made and dwells on them. I want to marry him, everyone can see it, just not him. I'm lost on what to do.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
Hello. I'm sorry your relationship has taken this turn, but don't lose hope. I would give him a few days to cool off from what happened this weekend. The ultimate thing I would love to see, is if you had access to a local relationship counselor in your area to go and see. I would seek a male counselor. Having an impartial person sit with you face to face would be absolutely the most valuable thing you could pursue at this time.
If this is not an option for you, you need to keep at this. You should sit and write down how you feel about him, what you have gone through personally and how you would like to see the future. ASK him his point of view and ASK him how he feels and what he wants to see from you and the relationship. Explain to him that alcohol was a bad factor in the recent events and that your relationship needs to be reviewed by both of you. Where are you at mentally? Are you both on the same page? Does one or both of you want some space? Reconnect with him on these basic levels. I say to write it down because it helps you see your thoughts on paper and gives you the chance to edit what you want to say to as close to perfection as possible.
Don't give up if you feel he is the one.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I'm trying not too lose hope. Right now we aren't considered being in a "relationship" as in it is not titled anymore, but we do not see other people. I feel as if he is the one. I don't connect on a level with anyone else that I do with him, he makes me feel as if everything will be okay. I was suicidal at the time he asked me to marry him. I'm no longer at there. I don't want to fall back into that. I have a tendency to push people away who are closest to me. I can see that he is hurting and that he doesn't trust me. We've had arguments like this before but it was when we were together (with a title). Right now I feel lost and empty. There was a month where we didn't talk and he was seeing another girl. This upset and hurt me, yet I forgive him for it, he can't see that I love him and don't care about his mistakes. I want us to move forward together, he literally is my everything. I haven't heard much from him since Monday, apart from him saying he is better off without me. Part of me believes that maybe he is, yet a massive part of me knows, that no one else will ever love him the way I do or vice versa.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
Well, you have to try. It's hard to say where he really is about all of this, if he means what he says or if he is just protecting himself from being hurt. What matters is you effort because that is really all you can control. You can't control his feelings and his actions about all of this. That is probably the hardest thing for you, but the most important thing to understand. If you know you can only control what you are doing and how you are handling this and accept it, it will make things a little less chaotic for you.
Tell him a lot of what you said here. That he is your everything. While this is important, you need to realize that no one can make you 100% happy other than yourself. You HAVE to be happy with yourself before you can add another person to that mix. You can't rely on him for happiness. Two people can be happy together and should be, but he shouldn't be your SOLE source of it.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I understand, I do. I know that he can't make me 100% happy, but it is pretty close :)


Yes, I can control his actions or his emotions, and he isn't the biggest or best communicator either. Which does frustrate me, as I push him away when I need him closer. Which is my downfall and I need to learn not to do this. We have had an argument like this before, and it took roughly a week of not talking before we spoke about it. I over analyse things dramatically and read into everything way to much. Which I guess is never a good thing. He still wears necklace I bought him and still lets me do things for him, I just feel as if my mistakes are being tallied up against me...he has stated before that he doesn't trust me right now, so trying to rebuild trust then having a massive fight puts it all back to square one.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
It does put it back to square one, but if that' what you have to do, it's what you have to do. Relationships are work and even though you don't consider yourself in one, you are on some level.
You can see and admit your weaknesses which is a good thing. Tell this to him. Some of that is being a woman ! We tend to over analyze and look for meanings in things, while men tend to be more straight forward.
There are no perfect relationships. You guys need to hash this all out and find common ground. Find what you need to work on and try to start again.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Thank you. I find it hard to open up to him, as I'm afraid he will 'judge' me or leave like he did once before. As yes, on some level we are, we aren't seeing anyone else, and still in same house and same bed. I need help on not pushing him away, and to not be so scared to tell him important things, or how I'm feeling or how he makes me feel. I can tell him positive things that he does for me, but find it hard when he's upsetting me or hurting me, I tend to "fly off" at him, or just walk away-which makes things worse. I've always been told to "grow up and get over it" and that's why I push him away. I figure if my parents tell me that why would he care kinda thing - i know not healthy, but I don't know how to change that.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
Learning how to communicate is the #1 issue in marriages and relationships in general. You should both learn how to talk to each other. You also both need to understand the differences between men and women and how both sexes communicate, because there is a HUGE difference.
Right now, you need to get back on talking terms and you both have to decide you WANT to work on this to make it right. Once you establish that common ground, then you can work on the details.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Okay. Unfortunately, our biggest down fall is that we are both as stubborn as each other. He has stated before that he wants me to hurt as much as he is...it's petty I know, and yet, he also knows that I wont go anywhere. He gets back from being away for work on Friday. A few text messages have been exchanged but not been the friendliest of messages. No name calling on my part, but on his yes. I've come to realise that he tends to hold a grudge a lot longer than what I do. Which in turn I seem to "nag" more.


Wasn't that long ago that he wanted to marry me, I'm hoping that, that hasn't completely gone away, and that it still all means something..

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
I think it does. I think he just is putting up a front to protect his feelings and his own hurt. He is reacting to that. Both of you need to stop pointing fingers at each other and start working as a team to tackle problems that arise together instead of you vs him. easier said than done, I know. But these are the things you have to work on.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I don't want it to be a me vs him, I want it to be an us vs the world kinda thing. I feel as if every time I suggest us moving forward together I get the same response "riteo, or too late" and then we act like a couple, and it doesn't get brought up again until an argument comes up.


 


I told him I loved him couple weeks ago, and he replied with "don't tell me you love me" yet when I see him, it's all "normalish" again.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
He is definitely hurting. You need to ask him what you can do to help aleviate some of this hurt. Even if you aren't to bale for everything or even half of it, reaching out this way can help open him up to a different kind of communication other than arguements. Right now, it is a you vs him because of the tension. You need to BOTH work on changing that. Like I said, get to a talking point again with him and then don't avoid the conflict, address it and get on your way to fixing it. Ask a lot of questions. Make him feel like his feelings matter to you.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

When I ask questions, he tells me it "doesn't matter" or its "oh well". This frustrates me as it does matter and it's not oh well. These are the things I used to say, and it would annoy hell out of him. Especially when I was in my whole (world would be better off without me, I'm a burden on people).

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
This is not good. He needs to change this. You need to say it does so matter. It isn't Oh Well, this is important to our relationship. You want to be open with him on your end but you also can't allow him to blow this stuff off.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

It's as if he is in a rut, and I can't help him out of it. I tell him how I feel, and how he matters not only to me but to others, and he says he knows he matters, but he doesn't believe the positive words that I say. He says he doesn't know that I love him and that actions speak louder than words. Yet, he's admit that his pain (if he hurts himself) or when he's sick it doesn't matter. That no one really cares.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
He is obviously having rejection and self esteem issues. Do some nice things for him. If he is crabby about it, so what?
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I've come to realize that I'm afraid to do anything in case it makes him crabby, as I don't want an argument. I do the usual, pack his bag for him for when he goes away for work, washing, making sure he has enough pain killers as he has neck issues, that he has his medication, things that a necessary but also something that stresses him out. He hate's money being spent on him as he thinks that people are trying to "buy their way in"

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
You need to not be afraid of these things. He needs to learn how to communicate better with you. It sounds as though he has a lot of issues that he has to fix and you can't do it for him. Don't walk on egg shells. Learn HOW to handle issues that come up.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Thank you. Me walking on egg shells and going quiet is making it worse isn't it?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
Yes. You can't avoid issues, they will only grow. Pick your battles though. Know what things effect your relationship and what you can and should let go.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I find it hard to be sure of my self and believing that I'm doing right thing for me and him. I tend to take things to personally, and seriously instead of as a joke, when he means it as a joke. I just retract into a shell and try and hide...

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
And that is what you need to work on. You both need to work on things. You both need to admit it and help each other.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Admitting anything to him seems to be my hardest thing. I seem to be able to say it to anyone else, but him, all because I'm afraid to hurt him, yet, all it does is hurt him more.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
That is HIS issue and how he looks at things, it isn't reality. Just like some of your issues aren't taking place in reality. You both need to work on this.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

So all in all, we need to 1. get back on speaking terms, 2. communicate better, and I actually need to make him believe that I do care and I do love him, and that he matters? And I need to stop over analyzing things....


 


I can't and wont give up on him, I just hope that it still all matters to him...

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
Yes, but try not to rely heavily on making him believe you care. He is going to have to take over some of that responsibility and open up to that.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I don't want to push him away, so I know it's going to take "baby steps" I have to learn to be patient, I'm just not exactly the most patient person around....

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
You do what you have to to make the relationship work. With the turmoil you both have been through, this is what you need to do.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Yea, I'd go to end of the earth for him. Without a doubt, I'd do anything and everything I could for him. I know in heart and within myself that he's the one I want to be with for rest of life. Just hope that it's not all lost...

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
I do too. I think with the baby step approach and getting him to open up, it will be a rocky road, but hopefully one that will work out for both of you.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Thank you so much for helping me see that we can be okay, it's just going to take time. Right now I feel lost and not sure as to what to do. I'm hurting and I hate that I've hurt him so much. He's always loved me, and now it feels like he doesn't. I'm finding it hard to focus on the positives that are happening, all I can think of is that he asked me to marry him, and I couldn't say yes right then, then he gave up. I feel like i've failed him

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 10 months ago.
Just remember that it isn't all your responsibility about how he feels. He is responsible as well. I wish you luck. Let me know how the next weeks play out.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1350
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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