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I'm trying not too lose hope. Right now we aren't considered being in a "relationship" as in it is not titled anymore, but we do not see other people. I feel as if he is the one. I don't connect on a level with anyone else that I do with him, he makes me feel as if everything will be okay. I was suicidal at the time he asked me to marry him. I'm no longer at there. I don't want to fall back into that. I have a tendency to push people away who are closest to me. I can see that he is hurting and that he doesn't trust me. We've had arguments like this before but it was when we were together (with a title). Right now I feel lost and empty. There was a month where we didn't talk and he was seeing another girl. This upset and hurt me, yet I forgive him for it, he can't see that I love him and don't care about his mistakes. I want us to move forward together, he literally is my everything. I haven't heard much from him since Monday, apart from him saying he is better off without me. Part of me believes that maybe he is, yet a massive part of me knows, that no one else will ever love him the way I do or vice versa.
I understand, I do. I know that he can't make me 100% happy, but it is pretty close :)
Yes, I can control his actions or his emotions, and he isn't the biggest or best communicator either. Which does frustrate me, as I push him away when I need him closer. Which is my downfall and I need to learn not to do this. We have had an argument like this before, and it took roughly a week of not talking before we spoke about it. I over analyse things dramatically and read into everything way to much. Which I guess is never a good thing. He still wears necklace I bought him and still lets me do things for him, I just feel as if my mistakes are being tallied up against me...he has stated before that he doesn't trust me right now, so trying to rebuild trust then having a massive fight puts it all back to square one.
Thank you. I find it hard to open up to him, as I'm afraid he will 'judge' me or leave like he did once before. As yes, on some level we are, we aren't seeing anyone else, and still in same house and same bed. I need help on not pushing him away, and to not be so scared to tell him important things, or how I'm feeling or how he makes me feel. I can tell him positive things that he does for me, but find it hard when he's upsetting me or hurting me, I tend to "fly off" at him, or just walk away-which makes things worse. I've always been told to "grow up and get over it" and that's why I push him away. I figure if my parents tell me that why would he care kinda thing - i know not healthy, but I don't know how to change that.
Okay. Unfortunately, our biggest down fall is that we are both as stubborn as each other. He has stated before that he wants me to hurt as much as he is...it's petty I know, and yet, he also knows that I wont go anywhere. He gets back from being away for work on Friday. A few text messages have been exchanged but not been the friendliest of messages. No name calling on my part, but on his yes. I've come to realise that he tends to hold a grudge a lot longer than what I do. Which in turn I seem to "nag" more.
Wasn't that long ago that he wanted to marry me, I'm hoping that, that hasn't completely gone away, and that it still all means something..
I don't want it to be a me vs him, I want it to be an us vs the world kinda thing. I feel as if every time I suggest us moving forward together I get the same response "riteo, or too late" and then we act like a couple, and it doesn't get brought up again until an argument comes up.
I told him I loved him couple weeks ago, and he replied with "don't tell me you love me" yet when I see him, it's all "normalish" again.
When I ask questions, he tells me it "doesn't matter" or its "oh well". This frustrates me as it does matter and it's not oh well. These are the things I used to say, and it would annoy hell out of him. Especially when I was in my whole (world would be better off without me, I'm a burden on people).
It's as if he is in a rut, and I can't help him out of it. I tell him how I feel, and how he matters not only to me but to others, and he says he knows he matters, but he doesn't believe the positive words that I say. He says he doesn't know that I love him and that actions speak louder than words. Yet, he's admit that his pain (if he hurts himself) or when he's sick it doesn't matter. That no one really cares.
I've come to realize that I'm afraid to do anything in case it makes him crabby, as I don't want an argument. I do the usual, pack his bag for him for when he goes away for work, washing, making sure he has enough pain killers as he has neck issues, that he has his medication, things that a necessary but also something that stresses him out. He hate's money being spent on him as he thinks that people are trying to "buy their way in"
Thank you. Me walking on egg shells and going quiet is making it worse isn't it?
I find it hard to be sure of my self and believing that I'm doing right thing for me and him. I tend to take things to personally, and seriously instead of as a joke, when he means it as a joke. I just retract into a shell and try and hide...
Admitting anything to him seems to be my hardest thing. I seem to be able to say it to anyone else, but him, all because I'm afraid to hurt him, yet, all it does is hurt him more.
So all in all, we need to 1. get back on speaking terms, 2. communicate better, and I actually need to make him believe that I do care and I do love him, and that he matters? And I need to stop over analyzing things....
I can't and wont give up on him, I just hope that it still all matters to him...
I don't want to push him away, so I know it's going to take "baby steps" I have to learn to be patient, I'm just not exactly the most patient person around....
Yea, I'd go to end of the earth for him. Without a doubt, I'd do anything and everything I could for him. I know in heart and within myself that he's the one I want to be with for rest of life. Just hope that it's not all lost...
Thank you so much for helping me see that we can be okay, it's just going to take time. Right now I feel lost and not sure as to what to do. I'm hurting and I hate that I've hurt him so much. He's always loved me, and now it feels like he doesn't. I'm finding it hard to focus on the positives that are happening, all I can think of is that he asked me to marry him, and I couldn't say yes right then, then he gave up. I feel like i've failed him