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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My fiance is a as am I, we are both very religious.

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My fiance is a virgin as am I, we are both very religious. He is 29 and I'm 24. We live in separate states, but try to see each other for extended periods of time, at least once a month. Recently I discovered something, he left his phone at home by accident when he went to pick up dinner and someone texted him. I did not recognize the name, and I opened it. It seemed to be a female friend, just commenting on something that has come up recently. However their entire conversation was on there, and I was shocked to find that they are very attracted to each other and have sexted. They always seem to try and stop, but then they do it again. I could see by the texts they have never met in real life. They almost did, one time, but he backed out. He did tell her sorry over and over, and it seemed as if she was hurt too. They both said they wouldn't anymore, and then they did again.. She sent him pictures, and she is very beautiful. I'm in shock as you would never, ever guess he would do something like this. Ever. He said things to her that he has never said to me. I don't think she is religious at all. I felt like screaming and throwing the phone in the toilet, but I didn't. I controlled myself and confronted him. He didn't deny anything, said all was there. He'd never met her in person, he said he really desired to meet her when they would sext, but as soon as he finished (he masturbated with her each time) he felt guilty and then try not to think about her or talk to her. It happened three times, He said it felt out of control when it happened, and that now he would not text her anymore. I feel the trust has been broken, I never expected he was capable of this. I'm sort of in shock, and feel like I don't know him, yet I've known him for years. I don't think anyone else would ever believe he would do something like this, reading his texts it didn't even sound like him, yet it was. He has told me how much he looks forward to us making love when we get married, but he never talked sexual to me, well I didn't want to go there because I want to remain pure. I thought he did too. I don't know where to go from here. Should I forgive and forget as the Lord says? We have a lot invested together in our lives already. No one would understand if I left, and I do not want to leave. I'm just scared he may do this again. Was it cheating? Thank you.
Hello. I'm sorry he is putting you through this. This is commonly called emotional cheating and people handle it different ways. It certainly is serious enough to ruin relationships on all levels. How you respond to this should be how you feel about it honestly. How DO you feel? DO YOU want to forgive and forget? I don't think you can, no matter how hard you try. And that's ok. Do you want to confront him about it? I know by doing so, you would expose the fact you were looking at his phone, but sometimes that's what needs to happen. You said you do not want to leave, so don't. What are your choices? Stay quiet and wonder what is going on or confront him. Which of these do you want to do?
You say these are things that are surprising he has done, but we all have sides to ourselves which we keep from others to different extents. If I were you, I would be concerned enough to watch his behavior and think about confronting him at least with some questions if nothing else. Make him wonder why you are asking him things.
Think about these questions carefully. Let him know you know something but not what or how. See how he reacts to you.
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